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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left DH and now OM has gone

252 replies

Betrayedandithurts · 21/07/2019 15:59

OM and I had been having an affair For past 6 years. During this time we both left partners on different occasions For each other but the timing was never right. First DH lost his job and I couldn’t leave and then OM’s wife had depression then she was sick, but wasn’t really, and he couldn’t leave and then both have had issues with children and timing wasnt right. Both DH and his wife know about us obviously.

Children now older and we decide we had to do it now and we both said we will leave together and I have and my divorce Has finally come through but now OM has disappeared off the face of the earth. I am heartbroken and don’t understand how he can do this to me.Don’t know what to do. He isn’t a nice person is he? Why would he disappear. His wife knows I am divorcing and do you think she just pulling another one of her sick stunts? Sickness, depression, or whatever other thing she has done Before to make him stay? Or is it him?

OP posts:
taylorowmu · 22/07/2019 11:22

He still is not picking up phone calls or replying to sms that I send and i feel sick.

Don't suppose the children or partners are feeling great either Hmm

SlothMama · 22/07/2019 11:27

You won't be getting much sympathy here, if your husband was so bad you should have left him before starting another relationship.

purplelass · 22/07/2019 11:29

Anyone who has an affair is classed as a bitch on MN 😐

There's good reason for that - there's no excuse for having an affair, if you're not happy in your marriage, leave. Then when you're single you can do what you like!

Why is that so hard for people to understand?!!

pepperpot99 · 22/07/2019 11:30

Oh so now "the arranged marriage was not abusive" ?

And yet yesterday you claimed "DH and his whole family treated me like there (sic) servant for the whole time"

You need to get your story straight, OP. Hmm.

anon812 · 22/07/2019 11:31

@OP I don't think people are intentionally trying to be cruel to you, it's just their reaction to your behaviour.

Your marriage was clearly not working and as you said, it's better for all parties that it has ended. You need to forget about OM. I think it's very unlikely he will reply to you in a meaningful way, and he's made it clear that your relationship with him is over and he's staying put with his family.

Have fun being single, getting into your career and making new friends. Forget this man.

fantasmasgoria1 · 22/07/2019 11:37

You were wrong to have an affair but all you can do now is move forward and forget about this man. Nobody knows what they would have done in your situation so imo cannot judge you unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. Try and look after yourself now and build on your self confidence and esteem.

pinkunicornsparkles · 22/07/2019 12:00

Each time I tried to leave in the past it was to hard to because of family pressure to stay and DH didn’t want me to either but we thought we keep on trying to not embarrass our families by divorcing but we reached a time we didn’t want to stay together anymore.

OP please be aware that this could be considered a form of domestic violence. If you still struggle with the fall out this must have caused, please ring woman's aid or consider finding a local support group who could help you to process what has been done to you.

I wonder if your strong emotions towards the OM are also manifestations of the impact of the arranged marriage.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/07/2019 21:11

There's good reason for that - there's no excuse for having an affair, if you're not happy in your marriage, leave. Then when you're single you can do what you like!

I hope one day posters like this might just fall off their high horses, when life bites them on the bum.

Talk about sanctimonious.

purplelass · 22/07/2019 22:33

I hope one day posters like this might just fall off their high horses, when life bites them on the bum.

WTAF??? Life bit me on the bum when ExH cheated thank you very much! Hence I know the damage and heartbreak that affairs cause!

So you think there is a good excuse for having an affair rather than just being honest and respectful and finishing one relationship before starting another? I'd love to hear it! Angry

Lemonlady22 · 23/07/2019 00:50

no wonder the poor woman was/is depressed with you two c@@nts messing around....i expect your ex husband and all the children involved are too....sorry/not sorry about any unkind and not nice comments but you are unkind and not nice as well....what thoroughly awful person you are and you wont get any sympathy on here you homewrecker!

bingbongnoise · 23/07/2019 00:56

@Lemonlady22

YOU GO GIRL! Grin

bingbongnoise · 23/07/2019 00:58

I don't know how the (few) people defending the OP can look at themselves in the mirror. They should be ashamed of themselves.

How ANYONE can excuse and support this OP just eludes me.

Speaks volumes about the people sticking up for her eh? Wink

The same types do stick together. Wink

taylorowmu · 23/07/2019 01:03

I hope one day posters like this might just fall off their high horses, when life bites them on the bum

Maybe life already bit them. Lots of people on this thread are angry because they have been hurt. Hurt by lying, cheating scumbags.

Hidingwhoiam · 23/07/2019 04:52

So you know for a fact she was faking being sick, it was a really bad marriage from the start and he only went back because she faked being ill.

Yet, he chose her in the end? You need to wise up and quickly.

You are hurting now and feel shit. I imagine what this was doing to her. In the end, everything he promised you was a lie. Do you really believe he didnt lie to you about her?

AzraiL · 23/07/2019 05:04

If only there had been a sign over the last 6 years to warn you that he was an untruthful and disloyal person...

Elle2019 · 23/07/2019 05:44

Op you need to stop contacting him. It’s very clear that he isn’t going to leave his wife. Regardless of your arranged marriage you chose to have an affair with a married man. You believed his lies and now you know the truth. Except it and move on.

SerenaOverjoyed · 23/07/2019 06:43

Lots of posters are reading arranged marriage as forced marriage. These are not the same thing, there might be family or cultural pressure to go along with an arranged marriage but it's not a forced marriage.

I'd imagine if the OP honour based violence she'd have been unlikely to have engaged in a 6 year affair or have left her husband for a OM

Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/07/2019 09:09

Those defending the poor OP. Have you not seen the disgusting way she speaks about his wife?

Just shows what a twat she is.

Bellasblankexpression · 23/07/2019 09:25

You’re very naive OP if you can’t see that he’s just string you along all this time. Of course the marriage wasn’t terrible, of course the wife faked being sick - how else could he create a meaningful connection with you, someone in an unhappy marriage looking for a Prince Charming to rescue them.
People are angry because they have been cheated on and know what it feels like. It’s never the answer.
I hope you wise up and realise that this “relationship” isn’t going anywhere, for your own sake

anon812 · 23/07/2019 10:08

To do what she has done for the amount of time she has done it OP is clearly not a nice person and not someone any of us would want as a friend. Arranged marriages are not forced, and more family embarrassment will come from an illicit 6 year affair and subsequent divorce rather than amicable divorce or just not entering into the marriage in the first place. All this is very clear.

However, she has asked on an independent forum not for what we think of her but what we think she should do with regards to OM. @OP this man is unlikely to contact you again in a meaningful way. He did not consider the affair a serious relationship or something that had long term potential. He will not leave his wife and family for you and I think it's unlikely he ever considered doing so, despite what he told you. The best thing you can do now is cut him off, forget him, focus on your children, your career and your new single life.

SandyY2K · 23/07/2019 15:32

Do you have evidence that his wife knew about you? Or just his word? Because if you only have his word, I wouldn't believe him.

It could well be that the OM never thought you'd leave due to your culture and the stigma of divorce, so you were a good choice for an OW. A safe bet, until you made serious moves to leave.

I suggest you focus on raising your kids and coparenting well with your Ex.

Once you get over the OM, you can look towards your future and finding genuine happiness.

Ravingstarfish · 23/07/2019 15:35

How old are you? You sound very young and naive

Piggle23 · 23/07/2019 15:58

6 years. Ugh. How do you keep the deception up. People kill themselves over this level of deception. Truly fucking selfish.

Piggle23 · 23/07/2019 16:00

I was lied to for a few months and when it came out it made me feel suicidal. I dread to think what years does to the deceived spouses mental health. All for what? A few teenage hormones? A few snatched moments of teenage lurve bollocks?

pelirocco123 · 23/07/2019 16:04

pinkunicornsparkles Mon 22-Jul-19 12:00:09
Each time I tried to leave in the past it was to hard to because of family pressure to stay and DH didn’t want me to either but we thought we keep on trying to not embarrass our families by divorcing but we reached a time we didn’t want to stay together anymore.

OP please be aware that this could be considered a form of domestic violence. If you still struggle with the fall out this must have caused, please ring woman's aid or consider finding a local support group who could help you to process what has been done to you.

I wonder if your strong emotions towards the OM are also manifestations of the impact of the arranged marriage.

what a loud of bollox
arranged marriage , yet husband tolerated her leaving for another man , several times

The OP , like a lot of thread starters , changes their story when it becomes apparent that they aren't getting any sympathy ( or when they cant keep up with the tale they are telling ;)

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