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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left DH and now OM has gone

252 replies

Betrayedandithurts · 21/07/2019 15:59

OM and I had been having an affair For past 6 years. During this time we both left partners on different occasions For each other but the timing was never right. First DH lost his job and I couldn’t leave and then OM’s wife had depression then she was sick, but wasn’t really, and he couldn’t leave and then both have had issues with children and timing wasnt right. Both DH and his wife know about us obviously.

Children now older and we decide we had to do it now and we both said we will leave together and I have and my divorce Has finally come through but now OM has disappeared off the face of the earth. I am heartbroken and don’t understand how he can do this to me.Don’t know what to do. He isn’t a nice person is he? Why would he disappear. His wife knows I am divorcing and do you think she just pulling another one of her sick stunts? Sickness, depression, or whatever other thing she has done Before to make him stay? Or is it him?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/07/2019 17:50

Assuming this is true then I think the only post worth anything is LuckyLou7's. Move forward, don't look back. It may be his wife knew nothing of his divorce plans. He is an accomplished liar, as are/were you. You kept your side of the bargain, he didn't. You've lost nothing even though it feels like you have lost a lot.

You have a chance to start again. Do that. Reflect on what you want and don't put yourself in harm's way again.

Hide this thread and leave the frothing posters to it. This wasn't the right board to expect support on and you haven't had it. Don't give them anymore to be gleeful about.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/07/2019 17:51

x-posted with MarielVanArkel's post which is really kind.

Lovemusic33 · 21/07/2019 17:53

Anyone who has an affair is classed as a bitch on MN 😐

Obviously lots of people do have affairs, most of them don’t work out for the simple fact the fun has gone once it’s out in the open, he probably enjoyed sneaking around behind his wife’s back, enjoyed the fear of being caught, now it’s all become serious and out in the open it probably isn’t as appealing to him.

Try and look on the plus side, you are out of your unhappy marriage, you are a free woman, this bloke obviously didn’t care about you as much as you thought he did or he would be with you now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/07/2019 17:54

I really have to change to posts on one page because there are some really supportive posts upthread. Apologies to those posters.

There are some right twats on the thread too, wetting themselves and bleating about 'karma'. How stupid.

viques · 21/07/2019 17:54

I have every sympathy for someone in an abusive arranged marriage. It must have been very hard to live in, and very brave to leave.

I can also understand how someone who offered you an escape from the marriage looked an attractive proposition.

I think it is possible that your life experience has been very limited, and that you have been unfortunate enough to come across two abusive men, though abusive and manipulative in different ways.

Not all men are like that, and I hope you find happiness with a good man one day, but until that happens you have to accept that for the next while at least you are on your own. It's not going to be easy , but you have already managed a huge step by leaving and divorcing your husband.

Try to ignore the nasty gloating remarks on here, people can be very spiteful, especially if they are insecure . I know there are organisations who help women who have left abusive arranged marriages, I am sorry I have details but I'm sure you can google them and hopefully they will offer you practical advice on your next steps towards independence.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 21/07/2019 17:56

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Lovemusic33 · 21/07/2019 17:59

Not exactly the same situation as you but it was another man that made me leave my ex, I didn’t have an affair as such but I thought about it, this was when I realised I no longer loved him. I left him and kind of went running to the other man (mainly for sex), it didn’t work out with him but I’m glad it was what made me realise I could leave my ex. My life’s been so much easier being single.

cranstonmanor · 21/07/2019 18:01

Never listen to what someone says, look at their actions. Words don't mean anything, as you've now found out in quite a painful way. His actions were cheating on his wife and not leaving her. Cheaters seldom go on to marry the other woman/man. It's best to find someone single and nice and then be faithful.

pinkunicornsparkles · 21/07/2019 18:07
Biscuit
SunshineCake · 21/07/2019 18:07

I stand by my post. Just as others have posted but theirs haven't been deleted Hmm.

Xyzzzzz · 21/07/2019 18:12

@Betrayedandithurts I guess all you can do is try and move on. People have affairs you won’t be the first and won’t be the last. I don’t agree with them but it’s happened. Maybe it’s time to put yourself first and concentrate on YOU , be single, focus on your new life away from both your ex and OM. focus on your children.

Littlechocola · 21/07/2019 18:14

I bet he’s in the pub.

Chista · 21/07/2019 18:15

Surprised at some posters who are questioning whether this thread maybe real or not. Arranged marriages happen all the time, some of the abuse suffered in these arranged marriages is awful, it is not just a union of a man and wife, but one of 2 families also. It oftens means that that you can rarely rely on your own family let alone your in laws. It can be a very lonely place. That being said, its no excuse for an affair, however, there are plenty of support groups. If you PM me OP anf let me know ur area I can certainly point you in the right direction.

bingbongnoise · 21/07/2019 18:17

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Newbie1981 · 21/07/2019 18:19

HA

bingbongnoise · 21/07/2019 18:19

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lunar1 · 21/07/2019 18:20

What makes you think he would treat you well but not his wife?

EllenRipley · 21/07/2019 18:20

Yes, it is horrible for you, and mean of him. What a bastard, eh? Im sure his reasoning for treating you this way comes from the same mentality that allowed him to cheat on his wife for six years.

So now you understand the heartache that you were instrumental in causing. Learn from it.

I believe it's what they call 'karma'.

bingbongnoise · 21/07/2019 18:22

@UnaCorda

Wow. There are a lot of people on this thread who apparently believe themselves to be "without sin".

Not one person has said that OR implied it, so jog on mate..........

dottiedodah · 21/07/2019 18:22

I feel sorry for you, and I think you have been led up the Garden Path by this man.Thing is many people who have affairs ,relish the excitement of seeing someone else at their best without the warts and all problems of daily life together .The fact that he is not returning your calls ,means that he has obviously decided that he doesnt want to be with you after all .If you are now divorced, then you need to move on ,difficult though it may be .Do you have friends /family you can confide in at all?.Many people will judge you but everyone makes mistakes Im afraid

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/07/2019 18:26

OP I dont get what you hoped for from posting? The lies and hurt you both must have caused to your respective families over the years..was there really any need? Anyway whats done is done ,,,all you can do is move on,,,,

JinglingHellsBells · 21/07/2019 18:28

I'm sorry :)

I think it's all been said before, but for what it's worth..

you were taken for a ride. He never meant it. There is a theory from relationship experts that if a man says he will leave his wife for you and hasn't within a few months of the affair starting, they never will.

Clearly this man made promises to you over many years but of course something kept stopping him moving out of his home.

He's a coward. A decent man would have left his wife if the marriage was over very quickly.

Look on the bright side; you left your marriage. You are now free to start again.

But as you seem a bit gullible and maybe emotionally immature (through having had an arranged marriage and never dated on your own) you might well benefit from counselling to build your self esteem and set higher expectations of what you want from a relationship.

Forget this man. When it came to it, he was all talk. No action. I've lost count of friends and people I know who pin their hopes on men leaving and of course most never do. Some do- know a few of those- but mainly they don't.

Whatsthatunderthebridge · 21/07/2019 18:29

@chista I'm guessing you are either new to MN or naive. Noone is questioning what can happen in arranged marriages, and even non arranged. The op will love you to for picking that up though

VictoriaBun · 21/07/2019 18:30

Old saying ;

When you marry your mistress you create a vacancy

JinglingHellsBells · 21/07/2019 18:30

OP I dont get what you hoped for from posting?
She wants a bit of empathy and sympathy.

Too many posters here in their pulpits, who seem, bless them, to be stain-free, never done anything wrong in their lives ever, who are very callous. Maybe they are bit dim because it's crystal clear to me this is partly a cultural issue where someone has no real life experience of men and takes them at their word.

FWIW she said in her posts that both partners knew what was going on.

This poor woman made a mistake.