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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left DH and now OM has gone

252 replies

Betrayedandithurts · 21/07/2019 15:59

OM and I had been having an affair For past 6 years. During this time we both left partners on different occasions For each other but the timing was never right. First DH lost his job and I couldn’t leave and then OM’s wife had depression then she was sick, but wasn’t really, and he couldn’t leave and then both have had issues with children and timing wasnt right. Both DH and his wife know about us obviously.

Children now older and we decide we had to do it now and we both said we will leave together and I have and my divorce Has finally come through but now OM has disappeared off the face of the earth. I am heartbroken and don’t understand how he can do this to me.Don’t know what to do. He isn’t a nice person is he? Why would he disappear. His wife knows I am divorcing and do you think she just pulling another one of her sick stunts? Sickness, depression, or whatever other thing she has done Before to make him stay? Or is it him?

OP posts:
Senoritaforever · 21/07/2019 17:03

You say he has disappeared off the face of the earth. Surely you know where he lives and works?

MissMalone99 · 21/07/2019 17:03

I would’ve thought knowing he’d been cheating on his wife for 6 years would mean you already know he isn’t nice. I’m shocked you’re just realising this

Gustavo1 · 21/07/2019 17:04

I’m not sure “nice person” could describe anyone in your or OM’s situation.
If he can do it with you, he can do it to you. Try to make some space for yourself to find your way after the end of your marriage.

Lipz · 21/07/2019 17:05

Have your looked in McDonalds here could be there.

SunshineCake · 21/07/2019 17:06

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Sparklingbrook · 21/07/2019 17:07

I don't understand how he has 'disappeared'. Where have you looked so far?

CitadelsofScience · 21/07/2019 17:07

I'm assuming having an arranged and possibly forced marriage, living with the in-laws, you've had a fairly sheltered life so far (the affair aside).

I'd treat this as a lesson learned Op, time to pick yourself up, move along and create a stable life for you and your children as a SINGLE woman.

IAmBumblebee · 21/07/2019 17:09

Would be delicious if your DH and OM's ex wife meet and fall in love. Silver linings.

MashedSpud · 21/07/2019 17:09

He was/is probably cheating with more women than just you and fed them all the same script to get sex.

Focus on your kids and yourself and when you feel ready start dating a single man.

gingersausage · 21/07/2019 17:12

Meh I’m not remotely gullible, but even if this thread is bullshit there will be someone out there in this situation.

Forced marriage is a real thing. People have affairs. Just because it’s unpalatable doesn’t mean it’s not factual 🤷‍♀️.

feathermucker · 21/07/2019 17:13

How much sympathy did you expect? You've both betrayed your spouses for years, and you're now on the receiving end of some shitty treatment.

You reap what you sow.

bribery · 21/07/2019 17:15

Haha! Shame! 😂

Boomwhatwasthis · 21/07/2019 17:22

Oops, bad luck eh.

supersop60 · 21/07/2019 17:29

I'm not condoning this OP, but I recognise that feeling. I cheated on my long term boyfriend (not married) and decided to leave him because the OM seemed to promise so much more.
When I turned up and said "I've left him," the look on his face told me I'd been a complete idiot.
OP, you have now left your controlling husband and family. Enjoy your freedom (with your children) as a single person, and stay away from other married men.

FairyDust92 · 21/07/2019 17:30

You're heartbroken and he isn't a nice person... oh the irony 😂.
You had an affair for 6 years, he never wanted you you were a bit of fun. I mean 6 years you were at it, disgusting.
You think the wife is pulling 'sick stunts' get a grip you vile women.

Chloemol · 21/07/2019 17:34

It’s not a matter of unkind comments it’s just stating the obvious and if you don’t like that it’s your problem. The reason behind the affair is immaterial you chose to have an affair, and whether or not he was married does not matter, nor does the reason why. If you were unhappy you could have left and then met someone else. Both of you decided to cheat on your spouses for whatever reason, and I believe if you are prepared to cheat on one spouse you will do so on others. That’s probably what’s happened here. You served a purpose for him, as he did for you. Now move on

Hidingwhoiam · 21/07/2019 17:34

He promised he wouldnt lie to his wife. And you knew he was lying to her.

What made you think you were so special?

Otterhound · 21/07/2019 17:35

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CitadelsofScience · 21/07/2019 17:36

Op if this is true then some of us here will have more understanding about the culture of arranged marriage and living arrangements, so you may get a more measured response from us.

As much as you have behaved in a less than moral way, you are a human being and sometimes we make mistakes. So please try not to let the comments colour your emotional state.

I don't condone cheating at all but I'm aware that we're not perfect and sometimes we fuck up spectacularly. Just read lots of posts on here to see how great us humans are at messing up.

Whatsthatunderthebridge · 21/07/2019 17:36

do hope you all know you are making someone's day. Theyll be enjoying every 'insult' you attempt

Wind em up and watch em go

RebootYourEngine · 21/07/2019 17:37

Looks like he wanted to be married and have a mistress. It is quite common for this to happen, the thrill of the affair is more exciting than leaving their partner and being with the mistress.

You have done a horrible thing but you need to move on. Be single and learn to have a bit more respect for yourself and others.

TheQueef · 21/07/2019 17:40

Nah.
Nice drip though, forced/arranged marriage. 6/10

LuckyLou7 · 21/07/2019 17:43

You've divorced your partner , for whom you were little more than a servant. Consider yourself blessed. Move on with your life and don't look back.

bettydaviseyes1 · 21/07/2019 17:43

Waiting for this to be deleted...

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/07/2019 17:45

I'm not going to berate you either. You've brought an awful lot of unhappiness on yourself, and pain like this is not a good thing to experience. Most people know this, having experienced similar at some time in our lives.

OM isn't coming back. He's duped his wife for six years, so it really shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that he's now also duped you. Sometimes the thrill of an illicit affair is an end in itself, not a means, and the reality of a life with that person is a different proposition entirely. When you come out on the other side of that grieving process, you'll realize you have been wearing rose-tinted glasses and that this lover isn't the man you thought he was. Then you'll be able to heal.

Positives: you're out of a marriage that sounded less than ideal from the beginning. Now you can start to work on you, and to find out what it is you really want from your life. This can only come from within you: another human being can't provide that insight (and nor is this their responsibility).

Good luck to you Flowers