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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you think of these messages?

171 replies

WhatTheHell111 · 21/07/2019 13:31

Name Change for this.

Saw some messages pop up on my husbands phone, thought the sounded slightly flirty and I didn’t recognise the name or number. So last night I went into his phone and found this.. what do you fellow MNetters think? To me it sounds like they already been up to no good.

Also before anyone says I shouldn’t have gone into his phone I know this, but after the messages I saw prior I needed to be sure.

OP posts:
Lovethetimeyouhave · 22/07/2019 23:01

No idea how you've managed to stay!

I found more sinister messages and actually upped and left within 2 hours.

You can't put up with this!

C0untDucku1a · 22/07/2019 23:41

WELL if he had no intention of keeping his wedding vows, suggest an annulment. Catholic values from a cheat?! Hmm

VenusTiger · 23/07/2019 00:27

@WhatTheHell111 have you considered trying to contact the OW’s partner? If you’re not up to confrontation right now, let him sort it out - I’m sure he’ll be round to speak to your OH!

Elle2019 · 23/07/2019 06:00

Definitely not just flirty messages that’s a full blown affair. Why are you still there???

Original poster
WhatTheHell111 · 23/07/2019 07:19

I think I will contact OW and I will also be leaving H but just want to get all the legal advice and evidence I can.

As for his ‘values’ obviously he picks and chooses when he lives by these.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 23/07/2019 08:06

Don't bother contacting OW. Do not give her any satisfaction. Some people get off on distress.

She's irrelevant really. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

So keep her irrelevant and ignore her.

Focus your ire on your h. He's the creepy lecherous one here.

SandyY2K · 23/07/2019 08:26

I wouldn't bother contacting the OW. His intentions are very clear.

They definitely have a thing going...or she wouldn't talk the way she did in the first messages.

She now seems like she's not fussed and he's desperately after her attention... like a puppy.

Based on him not being a good dad or husband, I'd say nothing at the moment and get my ducks in a row.

ABadlyShavedYeti · 23/07/2019 12:03

WhatTheHell111, when i found out he pulled the rug from under me, i had no clue this was going to happen, i was not emotionally ready for him to leave. I did cry, daily and hourly, but if i cried in front of him he was angry - he couldnt handle the guilt.

I did tell people, family, friends etc and the support was invaluable. I would never have got through it without them.

As Rainonmyguitar said, i am working on me, starting hobbies and meeting friends, i will also be much better off financially, and in 6 months time i can see what i want as i hope to be strong enough to either carry on or leave.

Original poster
WhatTheHell111 · 23/07/2019 15:14

For me I know for certain I won’t get past this, if he so easily does this once (that I know of) how easy would it be to do it again.

@ABadlyShavedYeti, I’m happy you’re focusing on yourself. I need to do the same after I’ve dealt with this dick of a ‘Husband’.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheHell111 · 24/07/2019 14:00

I confronted him, he is trying to make out that it was and a I quote ‘just a bit of banter’, that nothing happened or was going to happen and that he is ‘sorry if it hurt me’ Hmm oh and that he should have ‘nipped it in the bud’ as if it was all her and best of all ‘when would I have time to cheat’. AngryAngry

OP posts:
Bigblue1970 · 24/07/2019 14:11

You know it's all lies, deflection and massive minimizing.

I've been where you are and believed the excuses. Three years on we are still together but I spend every day struggling with the deceit. Move on and have the life you deserve and show him that his choices have repercussions. X

Honeyroar · 24/07/2019 14:13

How insulting of him. He's a coward too. Blaming her. He should have nipped it in the bud indeed, but he didn't, he hurt his family instead.

Stay strong OP, keep focused. Tell people that love you and use their support.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/07/2019 14:14

He’s minimising it OP. My ‘now’ ex said almost exactly the same. We trudged on fir another 3 years and something g came out if the woodwork that proved it wasn’t just a few text messages, it was a full blown physical affair. I wish I’d left him when I’d first found out. Once the trust is broken, for me, there’s no putting it back in its box

Pinkmonkeybird · 24/07/2019 14:14

I confronted him, he is trying to make out that it was and a I quote ‘just a bit of banter’, that nothing happened or was going to happen and that he is ‘sorry if it hurt me’ hmm oh and that he should have ‘nipped it in the bud’ as if it was all her and best of all ‘when would I have time to cheat’.

Oh I was spun that line too, that he should have nipped it in the bud etc and no time to cheat. I'm 9 months on from LTB and life is so much better!

theworldistoosmall · 24/07/2019 14:16

That’s not banter.

user1471449295 · 24/07/2019 14:20

Full on affair. What a cock. Sorry OP.

whenyouwantalittlesomething · 24/07/2019 14:28

He's minimising it all OP.

Don't believe a word he says about 'just a bit of banter'. I know it's tempting to trust in him that it really was just 'texting' but that's not what that is.

Sending you lots of strength Thanks

ZestyMaximus · 24/07/2019 14:39

'just a bit of banter' Sooooo, if she'd said 'come on then big boy, let's do this' he'd have said no would he? Bull shit.

user1479305498 · 24/07/2019 14:53

I think the problem is OP , you have mentally now checked out because a bloke who is up for that level of ‘banter’ isn’t quite what you signed up for. It’s the same for women on here who find out about EAS or a bit of flirty overtexting etc , we then see partners in a bit of a new light.

Princessfaffalot · 24/07/2019 15:58

He’s a lying cunt. Please don’t let him treat you like this OP. Kick him out.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2019 16:35

I fucking HATE that word - BANTER!
Grrrrr.....
Well you know it's crap.
It's HIM sending all the messages, not her.
She seems quite distant.
HE is the one doing all the chasing.

And now he's treating you like you are stupid and believe all his bullshit.
How friggin' disrespectful is that!???
The least he could be is honest when caught red handed.

I HATE men!!!! (apart from my dad is totally wonderful)

Mrsmummy90 · 24/07/2019 16:41

I can't believe he actually thinks you'd be that gullible! 🙄 what an utter wank stain!

Chunkers · 24/07/2019 17:27

Does he think he’s on Love Island? ‘Banter’ indeed... tell him to crack on then as he’s been pied.

ABadlyShavedYeti · 24/07/2019 19:58

Jesus OP, that is exactly what my DP said - it’s all just banter; she is innocent, she is just a friend, he should have nipped it in the bud 🙄

Plipplopbop · 24/07/2019 20:38

I know some have said not to contact the OW but you say she has a partner. I'm always on the side of telling the other injured party, or at least what I did, made the OW tell her DH before I did.
Sorry, it's shit but you will get through it.