Struggling to deal with partners past.

[Beckiee12]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. At the beginning he was very honest about his past, I chose to stick with him as I understand everyone has one and most arent proud. My partner is a bit older than me and let's just say his past is a very colourful one when it comes to women. Hes had a LOT of one night stands but if I'm honest it's not this that bothers me. What bothers me is that they are still around.. we live in a small town and they are just everywhere, he owns a business and the other week one just popped in to have a chat. I was there and I had no idea who she was just assumed she was a friend. I questioned it as in the nearly 3 years we have been together he has never mentioned her and I've never met her before. He was honest and said hes known her and her family for years and that they did sleep together in the past. I dont know if it's my own insecurities that make these situations bother me but it really is starting to get to me. Why does he feel the need to keep people around him that hes slept with? Why are they popping up all the time? To me these are the things that happen at the start of the relationship not still 3 years down the line. I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable but he doesnt see a problem with it as there is nothing in it. In my eyes there might not be anymore but he has slept with these people, he keeps saying it's in his past but it's not the past if they are still hanging around. Am I being unreasonable to let this get to me, should I just ignore it and move on? Or am I right.. is it strange to have all these one night stands and women you have dated still in your life?

If it's a small town, how do you suggest he avoids them? Move? Be rude? Ignore them when they say hello? You say you don't have a problem with his past, but want him to completely wipe it clean by never speaking to anyone he slept with before you? Doesn't sound like no problem to me.

People CAN be friends with people they slept with. So when she popped in, it was as a FRIEND. The only one thinking about the fact they slept together in the past was you.

Personally, the fact these woman want to continue being friendly shows that your partner is a nice guy.

It doesn't sound like he's purposefully contacting them, it's just that they all live in a small place so occasionally they run into each other. Try to control your jealousy unless he's given you a reason not to trust him

Both DH and I had very colourful pasts. We had a lot of good friends we'd slept with back in the day. We invited a few to the wedding.

We never worried about the past. What mattered to both of us was our relationship. We were totally committed to each other.

I think you need to put a leash on your jealousy before you drive him away. It would put me right off if I were him.

It's relating to his business and it's a small place, he's with you now. It's the past, enjoy your relationship

I think you need to feel with your insecurities because as far as I can see he's done nothing wrong. What do you want him to do....write a list of all the women he's slept with so you know their names & details.

Everyone had a past - you cant do anything about that. It might be best to let him go if you cant deal with it.

Funnily enough quite the opposite. I would rather him stop telling me who he has slept with as I dont need to know.

Then why did you "question him" about that particular woman? Don't ask questions if you might not like the answer.

It's not a jealousy thing. It's that since being together I've found out we are going into the 400 odd people here. Now everyone might be right, I am insecure due to the only ever relationships I had being ones where I got constantly lied to and cheated on so I now guess I expect it. Now it's not fair to assume hes like the rest as he is the kindest most caring person I know and maybe I'm wrong for letting his past bother me so much but I'll be honest it kind of disgusts me. So maybe people are right and I need to let him go as I dont want to be a judgemental person but in this situation that's exactly how I'm being.

As she held my newborn daughter while I was there and I would like to know who is holding her? I asked if she was a friend as I had never met her and he said yeah one that he slept with.

It might be better asking him who he hasnt slept with. Might be a shorter list....😁

Your newborn daughter? Could it be hormones? Assuming his past didn't disgust you when procreating with him.

FWIW, he cannot change his past and everyone has one. He isn't your ex, it isn't his fault you are insecure and have only had bad relationships. It also isn't his fault you live in a small place. He isn't seeking these ladies out, she popped in to his business.

Probably just relatives at this point 😂

Although I agree it's probably not my fault my opinion on people sticking their dicks in everything that breathes is pretty gross lol.

Really interesting post for me to see what everyone is saying, I was in a very similar situation to you. We have been together coming up 5 years, very small town too. My partner also runs his own business, where he does deal with people he has been with in a sexual way, or just people who I felt were his type or attractive and I used to question everything at some points.

Before I met him, he didn't really do relationships, so I can imagine he was doing similar things to your partner. As the years have went by, I have found out more and more people and things he has got up to, as I can't help myself but ask and he is far too honest, which I should appreciate, but sometimes it's best not knowing.

A year or so ago I read this book called 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck'. I don't read books usually but I can honestly say it changed my whole perspective on things. I'm also 7 weeks pregnant, with our first child. I guess I would say I'm quite a jealous person, but I've learned to deal with it really well, as otherwise he just gets pissed off and says I'm pushing him away bringing up stuff all the time and I was the only one who ended up hurt.

Sorry this is so long winded, just wanted to share your not alone on this. Also, I read another book called 'The Retroactive Jealousy Cure', this is another good one!

Why is this scarily accurate. Are you sure we arent with the same person? (Sorry my sense of humour is not the best) I ask too much I know I wont want to know but I drive myself insane and then regret asking but like you, he just tells me way too much even without me asking although I've asked him not to as I would prefer not to know all the details. The thing is now I know it all I want to ask it just doesnt make sense. I will take a look at those books as I know how crazy I probably sound and I know its myself I need to work on not him.

Haha!! It's okay, I was going to say the same thing but really didn't know how you would have taken that comment so I'm glad you said it lol.

It does appear we were in similar boats, you just need a little bit of the help I found to get yourself into that good place where you can weigh things up and deal with it yourself, or just vent to someone who will listen and get over it. Sounds harsh, but I learned that's how I had to deal with it best!

Just tell him, for your jealous side sake, for your relationship sake, and for your own sanity, please please do not tell me anything, unless I ask. Then it's in your court, and you should try learn to really not ask! Like someone else said, it's in the past, he's now settled with you, a newborn baby. You two should be the happiest!

I agree, it's us. Not them. I am with you on that. Is he loyal? Like my partner is the most loyal you would ever find, but he just has a colourful past. But even the loyalty at one point wasn't enough for me, I've learned that that's all that matters, me and him. Not anyone from before! My past is pretty colourful as well, not as bad. But, he never ever brings it up to me. And I appreciate that, as sometimes I imagine how it would feel if roles were reversed and it would really drive me away from him!

You clearly aren't ok with his past. In fact you've just said his past disgusts you. You probably should have considered that before you spent 3 years with someone and had a child with him.

Don't question him on how he knows people if you don't want to actually hear the truth

Why do these people keep popping up?

Yes, why indeed? Good question that.

I don't eher judge numbers but I do observe that 400 is an unusually high amount.

The other thing I learned is that males DOWNPLAY the total score. You would not believe how many women sleep with someone for self esteem. Especially if they are charming and attentive.

You say maybe I'm wrong for letting his past bother me so much but I'll be honest it kind of disgusts me.

Later you were even more explicit: people sticking their dicks in everything that breathes is pretty gross lol.

For me someone finding my colourful past disgusting or gross would be a deal-breaker. I'd dump him.

Perhaps you should have dumped him when you first found out about his colourful past. Waiting three years and now with a baby makes you sound really unreasonable.

wait, he's slept with 400 women? In a small town?

I couldn't date that guy, sorry.

did I get that number right?!

@RosaWaiting - truthfully I must have skipped the 400 number! That is a lot... even in a big town. Wow.

Matter of the fact is, everyone in the world has a past. If people can't overlook this and get over whatever parts of it they don't like, then it really just can't and doesn't work.

Did you read the part where I said I knew he had a past but more and more people have come up over the 3 years? I did not know the amount of people I just knew it was a lot. Not as much as it actually is..

I feel maybe I should have gone into more detail from the get go. I knew he had slept with a lot of women.. not as many as it has turned out to be though. I didnt even ask at the beginning because I honestly didnt feel the need to know but he was the one to tell me as he said 'before someone else does' but excuse me for finding someone who sleeps with so many people gross. I'm not saying 20-50 odd now am I.. we are talking 400-600 people.

I will be honest we have spoken about this before when I told him I really would rather just not know because unfortunately it makes me see him differently to what I did before. I didnt know until about a month ago he even had a list of these women or as he said 'a book'.. so I'm wrong for finding this kind of thing a bit disgusting all because I wasnt told this ij the very beginning because trust me if he had I would have just ended it there and then.

You know the worst part is he is actually a very loyal person well he is to me. Hes never been faithful before he has cheated on everyone he has been with apart from me (from what I know) he is caring and i do truly believe he loves me. I just honestly wish he had kept his mouth shut and not told me all the details of his past because it definitely puts doubt in my mind. I say 400 but he said between 400-600 he even told me when he was married to his ex wife he was having an affair with someone 2 hours away and would go there weekends and sleep with her. Why I needed to know this I dont know but what I'm trying to get people to understand is I didnt know all this in the beginning and it's been 3 years of people randomly turning up that are on that list. If he hadnt of gone into so much detail before, then in no way would I feel like every woman he talks to hes slept with and I do not want to be added onto that list.