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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling to deal with partners past.

161 replies

Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 06:59

Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. At the beginning he was very honest about his past, I chose to stick with him as I understand everyone has one and most arent proud. My partner is a bit older than me and let's just say his past is a very colourful one when it comes to women. Hes had a LOT of one night stands but if I'm honest it's not this that bothers me. What bothers me is that they are still around.. we live in a small town and they are just everywhere, he owns a business and the other week one just popped in to have a chat. I was there and I had no idea who she was just assumed she was a friend. I questioned it as in the nearly 3 years we have been together he has never mentioned her and I've never met her before. He was honest and said hes known her and her family for years and that they did sleep together in the past. I dont know if it's my own insecurities that make these situations bother me but it really is starting to get to me. Why does he feel the need to keep people around him that hes slept with? Why are they popping up all the time? To me these are the things that happen at the start of the relationship not still 3 years down the line. I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable but he doesnt see a problem with it as there is nothing in it. In my eyes there might not be anymore but he has slept with these people, he keeps saying it's in his past but it's not the past if they are still hanging around. Am I being unreasonable to let this get to me, should I just ignore it and move on? Or am I right.. is it strange to have all these one night stands and women you have dated still in your life?

OP posts:
75Renarde · 15/07/2019 17:49

@SavingSpaces2019

BTW. You've inflated 400 cunts to 600. Unless I am mistaken?

Most men rarely knock it up to double figures

#justsayin

villamariavintrapp · 15/07/2019 17:57

So he was a horrible, unpleasant man, slept with 400-600 women, cheating on everyone, may have had children with some. Then he had this accident which changed him into a wonderful man. What has he done about his potential children since?

Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 18:00

I dont need an excuse to leave anyone thanks. Also considering I coped well enough with my own finances before having a child with him I'm pretty sure I could do the same without him, thats kind of a stupid comment to make and also very off topic. We live in a small town does this mean they all need to just pop into his workplace years after talking? No I probably walk past a few a day and have no idea nor care as they dont bother sticking around. I chose to have a child with a guy who i LOVE and did this but found out DURING and AFTER my pregnancy the extent of it. I have also literally stated I told him to stop telling me as I dont need to know. Please feel free to explain what you meant by 'what does this say about you' because as far as I'm aware it isn't me that has this past and I'm sure as hell not one of the women he cheated on his wife with but thanks for the input.

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 18:03

Well from what I know the woman refused to put him on the birth certificate so apart from contacting the woman throughout the whole pregnancy and his potential daughters childhood asking for a DNA test and contact then getting in touch with the child herself there wasnt a lot he could do as he stands nowhere legally. He has been to solicitors but doesnt have the money to pay court costs for this to go further. This is what I've been told..

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 18:05

Because I didnt ask for a specific figure nor did I ask for him to sit and count everyone he has slept with. This is a rough figure he gave me. Pretty sure at this point I would be sitting there way too long and I would really rather not spend my time doing this.

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 18:06

I'm luckily at a different doctors and will just let you know I didnt even bother to ask if hes slept with any of the women who work there because I'm sure I wouldn't like to know the answer

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 18:35

@SavingSpaces2019 new to this, didnt realsie you could tag people. I'm sure you could guess which of my comments is in response to yours.

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 18:37

@villamariavintrapp I've just posted about not realising you could tag people and replied to you. 🤦‍♀️ honestly I believe anything I'm told and I can be very naive so whatever the situation I believe him I cant prove otherwise.

OP posts:
IamtheOA · 15/07/2019 18:55

OP
How much older than you is he?

SavingSpaces2019 · 15/07/2019 19:03

BTW. You've inflated 400 cunts to 600. Unless I am mistaken?
You're mistaken.
OP wrote I say 400 but he said between 400-600

SavingSpaces2019 · 15/07/2019 19:04

you've very possibly a very heard hearted woman or you're the OPs 'H' in disguise
Neither.

toffeeapple123 · 15/07/2019 19:07

Has he been tested for STIs, OP? Have you? Be careful...

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 19:07

Why does his daughter know so much about his sex life?

SavingSpaces2019 · 15/07/2019 19:11

Please feel free to explain what you meant by 'what does this say about you'
With pleasure!
You chose to have a relationship and child with this man despite knowing his history.
It was acceptable for you then.
I don't believe for a second that you were soooo naive/didn't know blah blah etc, you opened your post with Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. At the beginning he was very honest about his past.
Now you want to use the drip-feed method to change the narrative
Nice try! I don't buy it though Grin

I think you just chose to ignore/keep quiet about his past etc because you wanted something from him.
Now you have it/don't want it/whatever, you're using his past as an excuse to break up with him.

IamtheOA · 15/07/2019 19:15

Gosh...harsh savingspace!

OP said she didn't know until a year in.
She certainly wouldn't be the first to don the rose coloured specs with a new partner.

People DO change after they've had kids.

OP- WHY has he changed his ways?

Onemansoapopera · 15/07/2019 19:22

@savjngspaces what an absolute cheeky c* you are 😆 a man raising a child he gave life to is not 'financial assistance' you weirdo

BogglesGoggles · 15/07/2019 19:31

Well you are entitled to your feelings but you shouldn’t be slut shaming your boyfriend. This is no different to a man freaking out because his girlfriend had previously had a long term relationship with one person who she see from time to time because they live in the same place/shared asocial circleetc. As long as he isn’t seeing these women to sleep with them you have no right to judge. You are welcome to yourfeelings (bearing in mind that your feelings are your problem to deal with) but you have no right to judge.

hadthesnip2 · 15/07/2019 19:40

@IamtheOA. I font think he has changed. I'm surprised nobody has said it sooner. I dont believe a ma who has slept with hundreds of women suddenly stays faithful, especially as he's cheated before. Wouldnt be surprised that this women who popped into his women the other day wasn't someone he was currently shagging as well. Or lining her up.

Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 19:42

😂 savingspace you clearly arent reading anything I've put I ACCEPT people will have a past and thay DOES NOT bother me. I found out DURING and AFTER my pregnancy the extent of his past. What part do you not understand. The fact you think I'm using him for something is pretty amusing. I would have left him when I found this stuff out but chose to try ignore it as I love him and he is a brilliant partner/father. The whole point of me starting this thread was to see if I was being unreasonable by letting his past get to me..

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 19:44

Hadthesnip2 this was the first thing that I thought until I was telling myself I'm being stupid and unreasonable.

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 19:47

IamtheOA i didnt know him back then but I believe him when he says he has changed. Everyone I know that knows him well says they think he has as well so I suppose I just put my trust in him. There has been a few times I've had my doubts but then as I overthink I put them doubt to my own head. I for have Facebook or any social media but he does as he uses his business for it and I know I saw not long ago that it is set to single. He doesnt tend to leave his phone around like he used to but I doubt myself a lot and think I'm paying way too much attention to things that dont matter. Either that or I'm really dumb.

OP posts:
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 19:51

Toffeeapple I have been checked I was checked when I got pregnant and gave the all clear since then we haven't been intimate (not my choice) so I know I'm all clear

OP posts:
Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 19:54

Do you have suspicions that he is seeing other women/getting sex elsewhere?

IamtheOA · 15/07/2019 19:56

But....
Normally when people make a big change, then there is a reason. Something happens, or there is a moment of clarity...just curious really Smile

hadthesnip2 · 15/07/2019 19:57

@beckiee12. That last update is worrying. Are you saying that you haven't had sex with him in a while. Hmmm.