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Original poster

Struggling to deal with partners past.

161 replies

Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 06:59

Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. At the beginning he was very honest about his past, I chose to stick with him as I understand everyone has one and most arent proud. My partner is a bit older than me and let's just say his past is a very colourful one when it comes to women. Hes had a LOT of one night stands but if I'm honest it's not this that bothers me. What bothers me is that they are still around.. we live in a small town and they are just everywhere, he owns a business and the other week one just popped in to have a chat. I was there and I had no idea who she was just assumed she was a friend. I questioned it as in the nearly 3 years we have been together he has never mentioned her and I've never met her before. He was honest and said hes known her and her family for years and that they did sleep together in the past. I dont know if it's my own insecurities that make these situations bother me but it really is starting to get to me. Why does he feel the need to keep people around him that hes slept with? Why are they popping up all the time? To me these are the things that happen at the start of the relationship not still 3 years down the line. I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable but he doesnt see a problem with it as there is nothing in it. In my eyes there might not be anymore but he has slept with these people, he keeps saying it's in his past but it's not the past if they are still hanging around. Am I being unreasonable to let this get to me, should I just ignore it and move on? Or am I right.. is it strange to have all these one night stands and women you have dated still in your life?

OP posts:
75Renarde · 15/07/2019 20:12

@SavingSpaces2019

Yes.

How's your particularly silty stream of mud?

Or shouldn't I ask?

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:16

Indigo2019 there has been times I have wondered if there is someone else. Deep down I dont think there is as most his spare time is with me so I think IF anything was going on it would be talking online or with someone through work. To be honest I feel like he has been too honest and open about his past to then hide something like that from me, I dont think he would sit and tell me things that he has done and then go do the same to me.. I dont know if that sounds stupid or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:18

Hadthesnip2 yes we haven't had sex in about a year if not just over that now

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:21

Indigo2019 I think it's an age thing I dont know i didnt reply to your question earlier on as people are going to have an opinion on my age gap and i already seem to be getting enough stick on here from some people

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/07/2019 20:23

I for have Facebook or any social media but he does as he uses his business for it and I know I saw not long ago that it is set to single. He doesnt tend to leave his phone around like he used to but I doubt myself a lot and think I'm paying way too much attention to things that dont matter.

So he's set his FB status to single, he's secretive about his phone, oh and he's stopped being intimate with you.

Dunno about his past... Sounds like you have plenty to worry about in the present. That's a lot of red flags.

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 20:27

So what’s the age gap op?

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:33

Prawnofthepatriarchy i asked about the Facebook thing and he said it's because hes just never changed it and as I dont have it I never thought much of it until I actually saw it was set as single. I know his passcode as he used to get me to make calls while he was driving and he hasnt changed it but then again he knows I would never go on it. As much as I would love to see if I'm crazy or not I dont have it in me to be sneaky and go behind his back and check it. The sex thing was a big issue as it just suddenly stopped but he works 6 days out of 7 and comes straight home after so unless he is sneaking off or going at it with someone at work then I dont see how he would have a chance to be getting it elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:37

@Indigo2019 27 years

OP posts:
drum123 · 15/07/2019 20:39

What reason has he given for not having sex with you?

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 20:41

Wow yes that is a big age gap.

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:44

Drum123 He hasnt really. Just says he doesnt 'get in the mood' at the moment and hes stressed with his business

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:46

@Indigo2019 I know. Never thought I would be with someone that much older than me and at first I thought he was ALOT younger as he looks late 30's early 40's. Obviously hes had more time to have more flings and relationships I know this but still doesnt make what I know any better.

OP posts:
HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 15/07/2019 20:49

It does seem odd that a man who has had approx 600 partners and we can only assume, a high sex drive, now doesn't want sex with his wife.

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 20:52

@HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces yep doesnt it just. I mean do all men go through dry spells? I've said that to him myself. How can you be someone who goes from non stop sex with people to then being in a relationship and not wanting to have sex anymore?

OP posts:
WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 15/07/2019 21:01

@Beckiee12 if this is for real then you have some serious issues based on your more recent posts. I know you say you love him, but seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 21:02

Are you happy with him apart from this?

Why hasn’t he settled down with any of the other 599 women?

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 21:02

I mean what is different for him this time?

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 21:10

@WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName what do you mean if this is for real? I think I've realised something now. I dont think it's the past that is the issue here, I think the current situation is what's making me think the past is a big deal. I didnt care much before even not knowing as much as I do now because we were so close. Now we seem to have drifted through no fault of my own. I am trying my best to keep him happy and help and be there I'm trying to keep the spark between us. I might sound insane but despite the past and the age gap I truly do love this man and I think the fact that we arent intimate anymore is why I'm so insecure about these women.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 21:13

@Indigo2019 I am happy with him and I do care about him a lot. If I'm honest I do feel bad coming on here and blasting him about what he has been up to. I still stand with the fact I have my opinion on it and that wont change but am I so insecure and focused on the past because things have changed? I think I just answered my own question.

OP posts:
WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 15/07/2019 22:11

@Beckiee12 I meant that your posts just keep getting worse and worse that it’s hard to imagine anyone would put up with it.

I’m sorry but you are wasting your energy trying to keep this man happy. He should be trying to keep you happy too. A relationship should be equal.

I also think I understand what you’re saying. If he could service all those women, why can’t he be intimate with you now? It’s him, not you.

How old is he? Maybe he has a medical issue and is too embarrassed to talk about it, especially given his former prowess.

Ronnie27 · 15/07/2019 22:39

I’d hate this, especially if he’s been giving his er attention to everyone and they’re all still hanging round, it’s all a bit teenage and desperate. My dh and I were probably both quite active in our youth but you move on and grow up and close those doors, I wouldn’t want any of those guys turning up now when I’m out with my family and thinking they were still in with a chance iyswim. I know the feeling you mean, it’s not jealousy exactly but even if he’s never given you any reason to doubt him the fact that his standards have previously been low and there are ex sex partners still casually popping in to see him would make me a bit uneasy - is he the sort to give these women a bit of hope for the ego boost etc and keep them dangling?

Ronnie27 · 15/07/2019 22:41

Although. If there are sexual problems perhaps it’s had an effect on his confidence and he likes these women being around as evidence to himself that he was previously all virile and manly or whatever. The plot thickens.

SavingSpaces2019 · 15/07/2019 22:48

a man raising a child he gave life to is not 'financial assistance' you weirdo
Once OP leaves him AND the town - it will be

Rachelover40 · 15/07/2019 22:48

Beckee, I do believe people who have been promiscuous can settle down and be faithful. It's just that your husband's sexual activities seem to have been far more prolific than most.

I get that you didn't know about a lot of this before you were pregnant, it must have been a big shock but by then, you'd said your vows and were committed. Plus you love the man.

What I find difficult is the fact that he has told you so much, there is something odd about that and there was no need. Also that he kept a book with the details of his exploits, told you about that too, and on his social media he is single!

The fact that he doesn't want sex with you now is worrying. It's not unusual for the fires to die down, especially as he is stretched with work, but it sounds as though they are extinguished. If there is no medical reason, why? You deserve to know the reason.

Don't worry about telling us on here, we don't know who or where you are. It's good to get it all out and you may be able to view your relationship clearly.

Just - be wary, put yourself and your child first.

SavingSpaces2019 · 15/07/2019 22:49

How's your particularly silty stream of mud?
It is neither silty nor muddy Smile

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