Struggling to deal with partners past.

[Beckiee12]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. At the beginning he was very honest about his past, I chose to stick with him as I understand everyone has one and most arent proud. My partner is a bit older than me and let's just say his past is a very colourful one when it comes to women. Hes had a LOT of one night stands but if I'm honest it's not this that bothers me. What bothers me is that they are still around.. we live in a small town and they are just everywhere, he owns a business and the other week one just popped in to have a chat. I was there and I had no idea who she was just assumed she was a friend. I questioned it as in the nearly 3 years we have been together he has never mentioned her and I've never met her before. He was honest and said hes known her and her family for years and that they did sleep together in the past. I dont know if it's my own insecurities that make these situations bother me but it really is starting to get to me. Why does he feel the need to keep people around him that hes slept with? Why are they popping up all the time? To me these are the things that happen at the start of the relationship not still 3 years down the line. I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable but he doesnt see a problem with it as there is nothing in it. In my eyes there might not be anymore but he has slept with these people, he keeps saying it's in his past but it's not the past if they are still hanging around. Am I being unreasonable to let this get to me, should I just ignore it and move on? Or am I right.. is it strange to have all these one night stands and women you have dated still in your life?

Yeah, you are right. The last time we spoke about it was not long ago.. maybe 2 weeks? I said about it going dry and he said about the fact I was pregnant which I know is utter bullshit. After that it was me waiting to get my implant which I know was actually responsible, but I had this 6 weeks after having our daughter, then he run out of reasons and its just 'I dont know just not feeling it' said he would go to the doctors about it (I dont know why) but this didnt happen and I'm at the point where I'm fed up of asking why he doesnt want to go near me.

Has he had erectile dysfunction with you or just started to avoid sex all together? Maybe he hasn't gone to the doctor as he knows he actually doesn't have an issue. I think at best he is being very unkind to you and he isn't even trying to meet your needs, at worst he is a prolific cheat and just keeping you dangling on and expecting you to sit around forever waiting for him to show you some affection.

No Beckie12.....you just need to leave him

for one, I wouldnt believe him for a moment that hed shagged 600 people but wont shag you, and two, id dump someone that made me feel insecure by bragging about sexual conquests, or even for being so disrespectful. If he has slept with these women, then still no reason to tell everybody.
Chances are hes a a liar. Dump, move on

He's very dismissive of you, isn't he? All this "stop moaning, woman" and telling you you're being stupid. And then where is his consideration for you - affection because he knows you'll like it, rather than the selfish "I'm not feeling it." I'm not saying anyone should feel they need to have sex when they don't want to, but this seems cold and self-obsessed. Mind you, his whole life has been centred around his needs, I suppose? How does he show you he loves you?

@Branleuse I wish you were right but I know for a fact even if it's not 600, it isnt far off. I would have ended it when finding this out but gave him the benefit of the doubt as I believed he had changed.

@pudding21 Not that I know of we never had an issue when it came to that. Although maybe I've been ignoring all the red flags, he did once say a while back to actually get to that point he had to imagine me with another woman. Obviously I w as pretty upset but it seems like I ignore my feelings at this point. Maybe I need to mention having a break, maybe this will help me get my thoughts together and figure out where to go from here. Or.. it could show me hes not actually interested in his response to this.

@charlotteCollinsneeLucas A lot of the time I question if I'm being irrational. Well I mean, he doesnt really.. apart from just saying 'love you'

beckiee you sound lovely, he sounds like hes chipping away at your self esteem and will continue to do so. How is your liviing/financial situation? I think you need to ask yourself if you want to keep living like you are, you will always be wondering......especially while there is no affection at home.

Did he push for the marraige or was it mutual? How did the decision to have a baby come about? Was the baby planned?

@pudding21 Thank you, I did want to get married in fact I mentioned it a few times now I'm wondering if I may have even pushed him to do it? I never said we had to it was never a deal breaker either, but I was the only one to every really mention it and maybe he knew how much I wanted to so agreed? God this all sounds awful. I question what I write as I'm doing it because although it's all true I dont want to paint him out as such a horrid person because he isnt. Or am I really that stupid? Our daughter wasnt planned I fell pregnant due to my depo, I had my dates mixed up and thought I had a week left until it ran out but it was actually the week before, took the morning after pill but was really sick and as it was after the 3 hour point the had told me about didnt think it would have mattered. I'm glad it didnt now though, although my relationship is a mess I wouldn't be without her.

Hi OP, congratulations on your daughter. It sounds like this horrible thing with him mentioning woman he's slept to a bigger degree since you fell pregnant is partly smoke and mirrors, especially since reading that he declares himself single on FB, takes his phone everywhere and isn't being intimate with you. And I wonder if you are also focusing on that because you're not feeling loved at home, perhaps as a scapegoat. If the 400-600 number is true (although I have my doubts, how would anyone have the bloody time, does the man not work), it is incredibly high, and although I believe that people shouldn't be slut shamed at all, I know I would feel quite anxious about this.

I think you need to talk to him, to get to the root of what's going on. He continues to tell you although he knows it upsets you, like he's trying to manipulate you or Shame you into behaving a certain way, or comparing you even. He's also not having sex with you, and I think the only way for things to change is to discuss it. If things don't change, don't sacrifice your self-esteem for some guy.