Struggling to deal with partners past.

[Beckiee12]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. At the beginning he was very honest about his past, I chose to stick with him as I understand everyone has one and most arent proud. My partner is a bit older than me and let's just say his past is a very colourful one when it comes to women. Hes had a LOT of one night stands but if I'm honest it's not this that bothers me. What bothers me is that they are still around.. we live in a small town and they are just everywhere, he owns a business and the other week one just popped in to have a chat. I was there and I had no idea who she was just assumed she was a friend. I questioned it as in the nearly 3 years we have been together he has never mentioned her and I've never met her before. He was honest and said hes known her and her family for years and that they did sleep together in the past. I dont know if it's my own insecurities that make these situations bother me but it really is starting to get to me. Why does he feel the need to keep people around him that hes slept with? Why are they popping up all the time? To me these are the things that happen at the start of the relationship not still 3 years down the line. I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable but he doesnt see a problem with it as there is nothing in it. In my eyes there might not be anymore but he has slept with these people, he keeps saying it's in his past but it's not the past if they are still hanging around. Am I being unreasonable to let this get to me, should I just ignore it and move on? Or am I right.. is it strange to have all these one night stands and women you have dated still in your life?

I am sorry - this reads like a bad movie or something....
Unfortunately, OP, I think the lack of sex has an easy explanation....
I am not saying that he is cheating - that part is likely but hard to tell.
What happened most likely is that despite wanting to be in a relationship - he is most likely not able to maintain sexual attraction to any one person for a long time.
Seems he gave it a good shot - you have a 3 year relationship minus 1 sexless year —— gives us a good solid 2 years with the same partner. Given his history it’s a good result.
But - he is used to having a continuous change of partners - and was living that way for years. It’s not possible to change that. It’s - if not an addiction - then a preference.

It possibly explains why he told you in the last sexless year about his stats and ‘the book’. He probably is conflicted and either wants you to leave OR wants you to not be surprised when it ends.

Good news is that you are young, and can make it on your own by your own admission. A relationship with such age gap has a natural expiration period and yours is approaching.
Sorry.

@WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName he is 51. He did mention going to the doctors when I asked why it suddenly stopped but this was a long time ago and he still hasnt been so I assume that was just to keep me quiet. Either that or he is embarrassed over it I'm not sure.

@Ronnie27 Possibly, when I've met them or been there when hes been talking to them he is a bit erm over friendly? Like he calls literally everyone babe/sweetheart/darling and I wont lie I think some of them see that as flirting or it could just be me. He says it's because he easily forgets names which is true to an extent but considering one of these women was meant to be a very close friend I dont see how you could have forgotten her name.

@SavingSpaces2019 stop being an idiot.

@Rachelover40 Well some of them have been hard to hear and move on from only because we have not been close ourselves for a while now. Since I told him that, without wanting to judge, that some of what I've been told was starting to make me see him differently it has stopped but then the last woman to pop up was only about a month ago. The thing is, since getting to know him before all this and being pregnant then having our child I grew so many feelings that sometimes it is hard to actually believe this is what he has been like, kind of as if he is talking about someone else? I understand people are friends with ex's I dont see a problem with that, it's the amount of them and the situations that have made me feel uncomfortable. I've doubted our relationship over the past few months due to the Facebook thing and the changes that seem to have been pretty sudden and still ongoing but my problem is I put them to the back of my mind and try to act like things are normal. The last thing I want is for our relationship to get to breaking point and i feel like if I'm constantly asking questions or bringing stuff up its just going to push him away. I dont think I will ever know why he doesnt want to have sex, he doesnt like to talk about it and when he says anything it's pretty short and then change of subject.

@MMmomDD honestly I think you are right. I think some people arent the type that can just commit to one person, and by his past I feel he is definitely one of those people. I do also believe people can change though, having children has definitely changed me I used to be very careless and now I'm completely the opposite. It's one I think I need to think about. I mean considering the age difference his ex wife and him divorced 15 years ago it is a very long time to hold him to what he did back then when he was having an affair. I have always believed everyone is capable of changing but maybe some people just arent or dont want to.

OP - people age capable of changes. Sure. Some/many changes are possible. One can make a conscious effort to be a nicer person, for example.
Sexual attraction and what we need/want from sexual interaction is not on that level. You CANT change what you find attractive or not.

So - he cha changed. Nearing midlife crisis he decided to try to settle down like other grownups. He even managed to have the same sexual partner for 2 years.
However, he can’t change and control the fact that sexually he needs/prefers/is used to constant stream of new sexual partners. Or sex stops being exciting for him.

He thought, probably because you are so young - that it may be different. And it’d be enough. But it isn’t. Even your youth isn’t enough for him to maintain sexual attraction to one person and not crave what he actually needs.
You aren’t having sex because he is no longer attracted to you and this will NEVER change.
Me may wish to be different but he can’t change the basic physiological make up of his wiring.

It is very different to you changing and becoming a responsible parent to a baby. We are programmed to take care of offspring. We aren’t programmed to only ever find one person attractive. And he is at the extreme on that measurement.

You are 24. Enjoy your baby. Best you can hope for is good co-parenting relationship. And - hopefully - now that rose tinted glasses about this man have been broken - you’ll find strength to turn your life onto a different path

I think MMmomDD has probably hit the nail on the head.
However, he does owe you an explanation or at least the courtesy of having a conversation about it. You've only been married 3 years, so a third of your marriage has been sexless. Of course couples go through 'dry patches' and sometimes there are medical reasons for not having sex, but the most important thing is to talk about the issue. It's not fair to leave you guessing about what might be wrong. He's married to you, he should be able to talk to you about whatever the problem is. Then you will be in a position to decide what you do. At that moment he is being very unfair leaving you hanging and tormenting yourself with what might be happening.

stop being an idiot
The only idiot here is you - as evidenced from your own posts......

Saving spaces you seem very small minded and if you have nothing helpful to say then dont comment.

@MMmomDD @HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces I do know he loves me BUT I think he would be the type to benefit from finding someone willing to be in an open relationship. Now i wouldn't do that which is where we would go our seperate ways. I feel like you can love someone but not be in love with them, i think this is whats going on. I know everyone will at some point see someone who they think is an attractive person but that's where it is left but i feel him being attracted to people makes him want to persue it. Now it's clear he isnt going to mention anything to me so do I say something to him? Although I would do anything to keep our relationship and I'm willing to work on my insecurities so I stop myself causing arguments over ex relationships if he doesnt feel the same I need to know as much as i want to keep this relationship together i think maybe we are too different in what we want.

Not small minded at all - just calling out bullshit when i hear it.

So what part of what I've said is bullshit?

Absolutely fallacy that people can't change what they're sexually attracted to. . It's absolutely does change for most people over the ages or we'd all be knocking 50 and lusting over 19 year olds (a thought that turns my stomach) . Also the sex you have with one person can be light years away from the next. If he's used to being promiscuous it may be because he likes variety or indeed it may just be that he's completely emotionally unavailable which is really very common and not a fault just a fact.

Onemansoapopera I know peoples idea of what is attractive varies over the years. I never once found someone his age attractive before. I think hes afraid of commitment, as he knows that commitment is to one person. And I agree, hes always in his words been emotionally unavailable but I must be very naive to think maybe I was going to be different somehow? Now our relationship was great and in my eyes still could be. I'm not out here trying to change someone but when our relationship started I obviously thought we were both on the same page and I dont expect any of this to have happened.

I'm agreeing with you OP. My Dh has been very promiscuous in the past when travelling and also he's from one of those towns where everyone knows everyone...so I'm sure there's plenty he's been with, some I know of some I don't. He explains that finally finding someone he wanted to marry changed his life and I believe him because I was the same back in the day but would not cheat now. I see no reason why your DP shouldn't feel the same, as for the lack of sex, he's 51 with 600 different women under his belt, he may well have just run out of steam..or be struggling to link sex to love ...it could be a myriad of reasons.

I am a massive believer in people can change and I do also like to see the good in people which is a massive fault of mine. Now originally I did come on here hoping people would call me mad, some have in a way. Some days are bad.. like yesterday when i completely overthink his past because i know the details. It does sometimes make me wonder if i should leave him because I don't want to hold his past against him, it's wrong. But then a lot of the time it doesnt cross my mind. I have a problem of comparing myself to people and I constantly do this to his previous partners, wondering if they are more attractive etc than me. Writing it all down all I realise is that I'm the problem, not him. Now the age did cross my mind when it came to sex, he did have to start taking viagra. I can live without it but I suppose with knowing his past, and then him going from being sex mad with me to literally nothing, it made me wonder if I'm only seen as one of the women he was with before.

OP - your last post makes me both sad and angry.
You are NOT the problem. There is nothing in this scenario that points to you being the problem.
No one - not a superwoman or a supermodel - would be able to deal with a man who had slept with 600 women and lost attraction to them after 2 years.
You are very young and very naive OP. And I know you really want a fairy tale story. You want to feel special - and that you managed to change him.
There isn’t a miracle here, unfortunately.

Of course it is possible to go from a promiscuous youth to a more monogamous middle age, settle down and find family life with one person fulfilling.
Except it’s not what happened here. The extent of his needs can be possibly called a sex addiction - even though I don’t normally like or believe in that term. But his need for variety in sexual partners is just very extreme.
He had lived most this way until way into middle age. And he did try to change for you.
It just didn’t work.

He started taking viagra BECAUSE he lost attraction to you, in all likelihood. And - for a kicker in the teeth - this is how viagra works:
The person needs to actually be attracted to their partner for Viagra to have effect. It doesn’t just give a spontaneous erection.
So - it is clear he tried to fix his lack of attraction to you with medication - and even that didn’t work.

It is, of course, possible for the two of you to live as co-parents and not as sexual partners. You can even convince yourself that he has ‘run out of steam’..... although highly sexually driven men still have plenty of sex at 51, but you are too young to know this and won’t believe me.

Only hope for you to have a normal life and relationship one day is to realise that you matter. And that a relationship needs to he on a more level basis. This one has so many things wrong with it.

@MMmomDD I really appreciate your honesty here, even though that was hard to swallow I can only assume you are right because it all makes sense. I've tried my best to not let myself go during and after having my daughter. This is a hard one, I think I'm best ending this before I possibly get hurt.. even though just the thought of doing this hurts already. I am naive i know I still hang on to the hope I'm wrong about all this even though it's all clearly facts. The worst part is I really did fall for him before all this, i never wanted to get married and genuinely thought I would with him. It's probably hard to understand because it all sounds so chaotic yet I'm still sat here wondering if theres a chance of it working. But one thing I do know is I dont want to risk being one of these women who ends up just another relationship hes had, or possibly cheated on.

How often were you having sex when your relationship was good? Has he continued to be intimidate with you (not penetration) since then. Was it a gradual decline / erection fail over time? Or did he just stop - not even try?

He sounds like a sex addict to me.

It’s not just the amount of sex he is having (that would just be a high sex drive) but the numbers of partners and the fact that many didn’t sound single (the lying and cheating) - the risk, secrecy and chase sounds like where he found the thrill (the book to keep on track of something “out of control”?).

How often did he sleep with each of these women?

He is only telling you about his past now so that YOU will bin him - he is a coward looking for a way out.

I can’t see any medical reason relating to age to stop dead with sex at 50 from someone who has had such a high sex drive. There is also viagra.

I believe he still was (and is) having sex with multiple partners since you got pregnant. I believe he targeted you as you are young and naive and he could hide behind that.

He had a very bad accident just before meeting me where he nearly died he said this changed him and made him realise that he didnt want to just mess about anymore he wanted to find someone he could have a real relationship with that had no lies or dishonesty which wasnt long before we met
...... but he was still “seeing” other women the weekend that you met - doesn’t add up.

You don’t have to catch him (although it will all be there digitally I expect if you can be bothered to rummage - messaging on FB, insta, LinkedIn, dating / hook up apps, another phone etc).

You can just decide that you are not compatible and leave.

Because he was not transparent about his past for 2 1/2 years - until you were trapped vulnerable and pregnant.

Because he is not intimate with you.

Because he continues to give you info about women when you have asked that he doesn’t.

So you were 21 when you met him and he was 48 - and then you were pregnant at 23?

What was your relationship history before meeting him at aged 21?

How old is his daughter who has the low down in the ins and outs of her Dads sex life?

Another20 intimacy is just not there in general, barely hug or kiss unless it's a peck goodbye. You know what I never even thought about the fact he was still sleeping with people after his accident.. how I missed it I dont know. I had one previous relationship I was with the guy since I was 15 and we were together 5 1/2 years so I met my current partner just under 6 months of that relationship ending. His daughter is 2 years younger than me, I know she hates him for it as it was her mum he cheated on when married to. But I suppose she looks past it.

hes always in his words been emotionally unavailable

That’s a nice convenient line to put you behind.

Are you married? Do you have family and friends in RL who can support you? What do they think of him?

We married when I was 7 months pregnant so only been married 7 months at this point. I dont have friends and I am not close to my family at all so a lot of the time I'm on my own the only person I am close to is his daughter.