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Original poster

Struggling to deal with partners past.

161 replies

Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 06:59

Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. At the beginning he was very honest about his past, I chose to stick with him as I understand everyone has one and most arent proud. My partner is a bit older than me and let's just say his past is a very colourful one when it comes to women. Hes had a LOT of one night stands but if I'm honest it's not this that bothers me. What bothers me is that they are still around.. we live in a small town and they are just everywhere, he owns a business and the other week one just popped in to have a chat. I was there and I had no idea who she was just assumed she was a friend. I questioned it as in the nearly 3 years we have been together he has never mentioned her and I've never met her before. He was honest and said hes known her and her family for years and that they did sleep together in the past. I dont know if it's my own insecurities that make these situations bother me but it really is starting to get to me. Why does he feel the need to keep people around him that hes slept with? Why are they popping up all the time? To me these are the things that happen at the start of the relationship not still 3 years down the line. I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable but he doesnt see a problem with it as there is nothing in it. In my eyes there might not be anymore but he has slept with these people, he keeps saying it's in his past but it's not the past if they are still hanging around. Am I being unreasonable to let this get to me, should I just ignore it and move on? Or am I right.. is it strange to have all these one night stands and women you have dated still in your life?

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 15/07/2019 14:24

He has a book / list of women he slept with? Did I just read that?

An actual list?

RosaWaiting · 15/07/2019 14:24

OP, yes I had a feeling you would say you found out recently and wouldn't have gone ahead with the relationship. I feel for you Flowers

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 14:25

Yeah you read it right..

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 15/07/2019 14:25

Well he isn't hanging around these women, they are hanging around him or they live in close proximity so can't really avoid each other.

I don't like the fact that he is telling you so much, I'm all for honesty but surely just saying that, as a single man he'd been around a bit, would have sufficed? Whatever happened to 'a gentleman doesn't tell'? It's not fair on the women or on you.

Everyone has a past but no one has to go into detail. Is he boasting, does he get a kick out of talking about his exploits? There's something gross about that.

Think carefully before you get too involved.

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 14:26

Worst part is I do really love him but it's as if the person I loved isnt actually who I knew. I get it's in his past but one of the women he was sleeping with he ended it the weekend before we had our first date and met so really.. it wasnt so much a past it's been his whole life

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 14:29

That's exactly it. Ir doesnt make him look good and it isnt great that hes telling me who they are as for all I know it was a mistake for them and they might not have even told anyone. Honestly I dont think he gets a kick out of it unless hes looking for a physical kick in his manhood from me. He knows I have insecurities and this just doesnt help.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/07/2019 14:37

Hes never been faithful before he has cheated on everyone he has been with apart from me

Now that would really bother me. Not the 400 women but the cheating. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man I couldn't trust.

DH and I had both had loads of partners but we did so as single people. We weren't serial cheats. He had cheated on his previous DP after she'd started cheating on him but even then he regretted it. I never have. I just like no strings sex.

nicannie · 15/07/2019 14:41

OP I really feel for you. You sound like your heads in a real pickle with this! I think your right to feel grossed out at the fact he has slept with so many people, and also kept a 'record' of it all. I'd have been out like you said, had you known that at the start.

It's difficult as it's 3 years, you have a baby with this man. But I don't like that he tells you all of this openly when you don't ask either, it makes me think, does he like to see you jealous or hurt?

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 14:42

Here is me saying hes such a lovely kind guy but I'm not making him sound it one but am I. I didnt know this until we had been together over a year. When I was 7 months pregnant his daughter also told me he slept with her teaching assistant in school and also an 8 month pregnant woman. So no its not so much numbers it's the fact that this to me is just wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 14:45

That's the hardest part. I love our family and I really do love him but I dont like the person he was. Now I feel like an arse for saying so but I cant help it. I either stick with him and just ignore it and remind myself that he isnt that man today or I end things because i dont want to be with someone that was once like this. But saying it out loud to me sounds ridiculous for ending it because of someones past they had before meeting you.

OP posts:
AllStar14 · 15/07/2019 14:52

An ex of mine had a list with ratings next to each women's name. Keeping a record is truly fucked up.

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 15:08

I feel sorry for all these women. Turning up to see him as if they are a special friend maybe even wanting more and actually they are one of 400-600.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/07/2019 15:13

Why does he tell you? I bump into people I’ve shagged reasonably often when I’m out with my DH. I can’t imagine saying ‘oh yeah, I’ve fucked him/her’ as we walk away. It’s game playing and it’s to put you on the back foot.

Plus it’s quite likely to be utter bullshit from him.

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 15/07/2019 16:17

I'd be wondering why he has to tell you. Also, keeping a book of them is just grim.
I wonder if he's getting a kick out of goading you and making you feel insecure.
He clearly wasn't a very nice individual when he was being unfaithful all over the place (to be clear, I don't have a problem with the number of women, but the deceit and record keeping is the bit that i find distasteful). And now, he's taking delight in pointing out all these women.
Something doesn't add up, he really doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Can someone really change that much?
It sounds like you fell for him, when you thought he was someone different and now he's showing his true colours a bit.

I suppose, in his defence, he told you he'd slept with a lot of women and in a small town, he will be running into them frequently. If he is loyal to you now and you trust him, then perhaps you need to ask him not to tell you about any more of them, but your part of the deal is to stop asking for details.
So when he's talking to another woman, you'll have to not ask if that was another one of them and he'll have to keep quiet if it was. I'm sure he can limit himself to 'oh yes, that's Julie, she works in the newsagent' he doesn't need to add 'oh, yes, I've had her too'.

HypatiaCade · 15/07/2019 16:32

Okay, small town, 400-600 women, the chances of you meeting many women he HASN'T slept with are pretty low I would think....

I agree, it does feel a bit grim. Fair enough to say 'it's in the past' but it wasn't really if he was doing it right up until he met you. Puts a lot of pressure on you, if you're the one keeping him on 'the straight and narrow' as it were. Especially if he keeps referring to it. Does he have no filter to his brain at all? Does he have a filter between thought and action at all? I'd say not likely.

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 16:48

I know one did. She used to come into his work when I was there and would sit and talk as if they were mates but when she left he sat and would say a lot of shit about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 16:49

This is exactly what I asked and he just said because he feels like if he doesnt hes hiding something and to be quite honest I said I would rather him hide it I just dont need to know all the gory details of his one night stands

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 16:52

I agree. He wasnt a nice person at all he was the first to admit that. He had a very bad accident just before meeting me where he nearly died he said this changed him and made him realise that he didnt want to just mess about anymore he wanted to find someone he could have a real relationship with that had no lies or dishonesty which wasnt long before we met. He sounds like a horrid person I know and I agree that back then he definitely was. He does say he is ashamed of his past and when it is brought up he does shut down a bit and wont want to talk about it ( this is of course after hes told me they slept together ) sometimes I feel like bashing my head against a wall lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 17:13

From what I know he doesnt have this list anymore.. kind of not the point though, shouldn't do it in the first place.

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 15/07/2019 17:20

Sometimes, if you have too much history in a place, you end up being defined by that history, and to get beyond it you need to leave.

Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 17:25

You know I can get past the number although it's a lot. It's the people and the circumstance. It's a shame that your past can creep up on you but that's a chance he was willing to take.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckiee12 · 15/07/2019 17:31

It's not lies trust me. I'm very close to his daughter she has told me a lot about it for some reason I've also told her I would rather not know. It's at that point now where its getting ridiculous. We are registered with different doctor surgeries and I went with his for one of his appointments.. turns out he actually slept with the receptionist and has a possible child with her. Granted this was a LONG time ago the child is in her teens now. So basically I cant even go to the doctors out of the area without one of them being there

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 15/07/2019 17:36

Are you looking for excuses to leave him now that you've got a guaranteed financial assistance for the next 18 years?
Cos that's what it sounds like to me.

Why does he feel the need to keep people around him that hes slept with?
HE doesn't. Don't be so deliberately obtuse.
You already know why they cross your path - we live in a small town and they are just everywhere, he owns a business and the other week one just popped in

You CHOSE to be and have a child with a guy who'd slept with circa 600 people in his small town and who admitted cheating on his wife.
What does that say about you?

I would rather him stop telling me who he has slept with as I don't need to know
Then don't ask him! Or ask him to only tell you "it's Jane from X Street etc".
It isn't hard for you to ask he doesn't tell you the detail about having shagged them - or for him to respect that.

it's probably not my fault my opinion on people sticking their dicks in everything that breathes is pretty gross lol
Hilarious - you knowingly let him stick the same dick that's been inside circa 600 other women inside of you.......

75Renarde · 15/07/2019 17:41

Argghh! He's slept with the Drs receptionist!!!!

Change surgeries. Immediately

75Renarde · 15/07/2019 17:47

@SavingSpaces2019

Don't be so deliberately obtuse

That IS what you said? You've very possibly a very heard hearted woman or you're the OPs 'H' in disguise.

Come on now Toots. Which is it?

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