Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

That's enough internet for me today 🤦🏻‍♀️

My parents broke up when I was 4. My mother went on to have 2 more daughters and my father a son. My siblings are 9, 10 and 13 years younger than me. So I was an only child for 9 years and then ended up with 3 siblings. This is so much not an issue to me. The minor issues I do have are related to my dad living 3 hours away from me, so I couldn't have as close a relationship with him. You're thinking of deliberately putting a second child in that position.

You say that you have been abused and depressed. I think you should go to speak to your GP and any other real people you can find e.g. Samaritans, as it seems to me you are not thinking very clearly. This is panic thinking, not reason. In the unlikely case that your son does end up an only child, he will be one of millions of only children around the world. You'll be able to spoil him rotten.

Not sure how old you are, but if you meet another partner they may want kids, you having 2 already may be a dealbreaker. I'm not judging your reasoning completely, if you are 40+ then the consideration is slightly different though I still stress you should get his consent before conceiving.

Op- I’m in a very similar situation and I sort of get what you are talking about. I have a dd and I’d like her to have a sibling. But I’m 41 and time is against me, plus I’m not happy in my marriage and I’m thinking about divorce. It may take years to find another partner and then I won’t be able to have children. My H wants another child but he’s a weirdo and an embarrassment, so I really don’t know what to do. Whether to have another child before we split or just be happy with one child and move on. How old are you?

I know it sounds ridiculous to some, hence the judgement but some people’s lives are not perfect and you are faced with tough choices.

How can anyone say whether having a sibling would have been preferable or easier? The fact is, if you don’t have siblings, you can’t know hat it’s like to have them, so you don’t know whether you would have preferred it or not.

Do you have the finances to support two children and pay the bills and childcare costs on your own, because that’s what you seem to be implying? Or will you be asking relatives to care for your children? And what if you don’t get pregnant quickly? If it’s so difficult to sleep with this man, how are you going to persevere if it takes time?

OP is 27 and this man hit her, of course it sounds ridiculous to some!

Go for it. I don't see anything wrong per se. It's just that you've got a known wife beater for a father. Not sure I'd want a second child with someone like that

I knew you would get a hard time about this post.

Personally, I see where you are coming from.

As to all the people saying that to TTC without telling him is deceitful etc - it's not that when someone posts saying they are pregnant and the father doesn't want them to have it. In those instances the vast majority of posters say "well they shouldn't have had sex without using a condom then should they."

I do take on board the comments from those saying it's deceitful, however an awful lot of marriages break up anyway. Just because you already suspect it might doesn't make a huge amount of difference in my opinion. No one knows what's just around the corner. You could get pregnant and then he could leave you, you just don't know.

Op you said you find it really difficult to have sex with your H, You don’t love him and he’s been violent towards you.

Please stop thinking about another baby and focus on getting away from this man and living a happy life with your son.

@ravenmum sorry I missed that!

At 27 I’d be running away from an abusive marriage and consider myself lucky to have only have 1 child with this man.

You are a selfish, manipulating person. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Within two weeks of marriage we got into an argument and he because physical (slapped 5x) this started to become a continuous pattern.

But

He's stopped abusing me it's not as if I get beat up everyday. I'm not in any danger and my son isnt either I would never put him in that situation

Can’t both be true. There is no way someone who has a history of a pattern of abuse just stops.

YABU to consider having another child with an abusive man, whether you intend to stay or not.

The difference is @Joinus OP is 27 to your 41, and her husband is physically abusive vs yours being "a weirdo and an embarrassment*

How dare you come on here asking for pity for having to 'force yourself to have sex with him', when there are people on here trying to deal with being forced to have sex against their will. I feel sorry for him.

Two children are significantly harder work that one 8 month old, I have 2 under 3 at the moment (with a supportive husband) and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m at breaking point. I found the baby phase a doddle but this is something else. All I’m saying is that if I were you I’d be concentrating on leaving your husband and establishing a good life for you and your baby; you could have a really good life just the two of you rather than struggling being outnumbered (sorry I’m sure my own current struggles are colouring this response)

OP - you haven’t answered the question about what you would do if it takes months or even years to conceive? How long would you give this master plan for yours? The longer you leave it the worse you will make things.

Ignoring the moral issues of tricking someone into having a baby with you, when you have no intention of staying with them, I don't understand why you want your abusive husband's genes for your second child. My eldest's dad was incredibly abusive (and i've pieced together emotional abuse from his father, from what my exMIL has said), and I worry for my son. Yes, he has me bringing him up, so I know in my heart he'll be fine, but genes do come into play. How could you risk a second child.

Get a sperm donor. You've said you want to raise it yourself anyway. Don't give him ANY attachment to your second child.

I have three children from two fathers and the elder two who, don't have the same biological father, have always had an incredibly close bond.
If you want to do it alone, then bloody well do it alone.

....sorry, just saw about the physical abuse and the fact you are only 27.

I agree with pp - your little boy just needs you just now. Forget about this man and a sibling, concentrate on your son

Wow that's very devious, sneaky, selfish. Smacks me me me . Think about another human being before yourself!

I know it sounds ridiculous to some, hence the judgement but some people’s lives are not perfect and you are faced with tough choices.

Fucking hell.

You make it sound like it's a choice foisted upon her, such as already being pregnant in such bad circumstances and having to decide what to do.

It's not a tough choice to not deceive and manipulate someone into doing something life-changing which they would never dream of doing if they knew the truth.

The mind boggles at some people's reasoning.

Bit convenient that when people started disagreeing with you you started drip-feeding that he was violent. Don’t believe a word of it, There are women on here who have been through actual DV...

Regardless of any of that though, you only have to look at mn to see that most posters don’t have close relationships with their siblings, so it’s a bit of a false belief that you would be having a baby for your DS, clearly you’re having a baby for you a baby who, when it grows up, may actually resent or even hate you for having manipulated things in such a way as to use their father to conceive them and then kicking him out. And he may go on to have more children, with a loving partner, and your children may decide that they’d rather stay with him, in a full family i.e. two parents and siblings and so on than with you.

Or alternatively something could go wrong and you could have a child with serious disabilities who requires 24 hour care which you have to give up your job to provide. And your ds, you know, the one you’re doing all this for, may possibly resent you or find it difficult to live in that situation and go and live with their father instead.

Personally I think you are very brave. brave? WTAF? If this was a man pricking condoms and just waiting for his wife to be pregnant before he left her would that be ok? Would people be saying here that he was brave.

The women who applaud someone for doing this are just as despicable as the women who do it.

Dont do it OP. Unless you want to be tied to him even more. Not many men want to date a woman with a young baby, so realistically meeting and dating another man will be years away from now if you go ahead with your plan.

OP, you said you didn't have the right support before and now you have a lot of family support. Which is it? 'Cause between that and a lot of other things, it sounds like you keep spinning things trying to get people to agree with you that this plan makes any sense, practically or ethically.

5 months separated, with a tiny baby, it's not entirely surprising you're not feeling the love. Reconciliation usually needs something more active effort than just living together and having begrudging sex.

You're running a real risk on a plan that you're acting is solid when it is anything but. Secondary infertility exists. He could easily change his mind on custody. If abusive (and that wasn't spun to make people think lying to him about this could in anyway be ethical), he could do it again and many abusive partners who "would never hurt the kids" are just that way until they do. No one thought my mother would actually hurt me, not really, she's a great parent - and then she tried to kill me.

Enjoy what you and leave if that's what you really want rather than trying to enact this mess. No one needs a sibling and there is absolutely no way any of this makes you look good.

From a moral/ethical prospective I know it's wrong to bring a child into a broken home I understand, however, a lot of single women have kids via a perm donor how's that different to my situation.

Wow! As someone who has used a sperm donor I'm fuming by this comment. It's massively different!!

Firstly using a sperm donor, not one person is being deceived. Both adults consent knowing the full situation and the child should be brought up knowing this too. No lies, no deception. No broken home.

Secondly, how do you think a child will feel being rejected by their actual father who they used to have a relationship with but now wants nothing to do to them by choice? Abandoning their responsibility as a father? This is not something a child conceived via sperm donation will experience.

Jesus wept