Husband prefers life before baby

[Thebabybadge]

Name changed for this, will avoid a drip feed if possible. It is absolutely breaking me to post on here but I feel sick and don't know who to talk to.

We have a beautiful newborn baby who I love more than I can explain. Baby was planned and we TTC for a year, also had one MC.
We were originally going to wait another year or two before TTC but I was diagnosed with something that might impact my ability to have children, so we didn't. We had been together for years at this point in case anyone thinks our relationship was new.

Today DH has told me he feels trapped, claustrophobic. He can't explain why this is as I have said I am happy for him to do his own thing when he wants, within reason (e.g. social drinks, tennis, whatever) so long as it wasn't every night and I never got some me time either.

He says he feels like everything has changed, our relationship has changed, and that he doesn't feel ready to be a dad.
He would have happily waited before having children but had them for the sake of my happiness. He resents the baby because of how he is feeling.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I asked him if he wants to leave me or if it was 'us', he was very adamant this was not the case and said I am his world etc.
I asked if he resented the baby. Lots of pauses, unclear answers, references to the way things were before baby was born.

I wonder if perhaps he has paternal postnatal depression and have suggested be goes to the GP next week.

He also mentioned not feeling a rush of love for baby when they were born. I said that lots of men don't have this and the bond comes over time. He said he thinks this is getting better, he still thinks baby is brilliant, adorable, and makes him happy, but is still taking time to bond.

I feel sick. We have the perfect marriage, the life we have always talked about. But now he is saying he preferred how it was before.

I love my husband and it is breaking me to think he feels this way. It hurts me so much because of my beautiful baby. I don't know if it is just some sort of depression talking, if it is really him, or what.

He has been great with baby since birth, very doting and hands on, so this really hit me hard today.

I don't know how to feel or what to do.

Having a baby changes your life completely. Perhaps people don't emphasise that enough and people only realise once the baby is here. A bit too late for that though.

I think as a mother it was the biggest shock to me. Breastfeeding, changing nappies, and that's the routine all day every day. You don't get to choose when baby is hungry or needs a nappy change either.

That said, 5 years down the line and my children are my best friends, just as my DH is. There is hard work at the beginning but great, wonderful results. We have to persevere though. No wonder they say it takes a village to raise a child. But some of us don't even have family or friends nearby for help.

It probably is some form of depression. Let's not use the word depression. Life has changed completely. Of course it is going to be hard. But take one day at a time and things will get better. It's touch on relationships too but we have to get through it. It is too easy to walk away... And miss out on all the wonderful things a baby does, the joy, seeing them grow and bond with you. Even the days where you feel like you are going crazy. It is part of life. He had the baby, he needs to be there for the baby now. The innocent baby did not ask to be brought into this world or be abandoned.

My best advice is to just accept it is going to be hard but the moment they start walking it is so different. After difficulty comes easy. Breathe in, breathe out and keep going.

But it’s a logical response to having a baby. The newborn stage was awful for me. I bitterly regretted having DS — he was high-needs and cranky and never slept, i didn’t love him yet, I wasn’t able to breastfeed, I missed work, DH had had to take a job a long commute away after an unexpected redundancy, and I had no support. You can’t force the way your DH feels. As long as he’s pulling his weight with your baby, obviously. If someone had expected me to find it all rosy, I’d have wanted to strangle them.

Oops I somehow posted on the wrong topic.

But the advice still applies but needs a bit of tweaking.

I loved my baby too, still did everything for my baby but man was it hard. I feel like it is so much harder for is women though as men can up and go and do what they want whereas there I was bleeding, struggling to walk due to pain etc. He has it easier in that sense.

Life without children is much easier. Much easier. But children are a blessing. Don't think too far ahead, just try to make the best of each day with the baby and the bond will form. Trust me children and their dads is a sight to behold.

It's not that he isn't finding it all rosy, it's that he is basically saying he regrets baby being here.
I'm not expecting him to say it is perfect but have really struggled hearing him saying this about our innocent child and that he felt his hand was forced by my health issue. We have a great life and I feel like he doesn't want it.

And he isn't able to articulate why he feels trapped, which doesn't help

The fact that he is unhappy about some parts of how life has changed doesn’t worry me that much. I imagine many a knackered parent has said the same thing to another in the darkest hour of the night.

The worrying part is that he seems to be trying to blame you. I’d worry that he’s trying to create distance between you, I hate to suggest but do you think he might be having a mid life crisis/crush on someone else?

Are you able to stand up for yourself, remind him he also wanted to have a baby and that you TTC together? Or is it too difficult?

This is so breathtakingly upsetting and unfair on you, I’m so sorry he’s being a knob.

Is it worth reminding him that you can’t unhave the baby. He will always be their parent, so how does he intend to try and untangle his own angst about it ASAP?

He's probably overwhelmed. Give him time and I'm sure he'll slowly adjust.

My Dh felt nothing for our dd until she was about 6 months. He said his feelings for her were neutral. He still looked after her and spent time with her as he knew it was the right thing to do but he just didn't take to her.

She's not 17months and he absolutely dotes on her. She's a real daddy's girl and he can't get enough of her.

I think it's common for men to struggle at first but when your dc can interact more, he'll soon see a different side to parenting!

Well it’s too late now isn’t it? It’s hard. It’s boring. Your relationship has changed irrevocably. He’s got to get over these regrets. He has to find a way to work through his feelings and take the positives. He’s always going to be a father now. We may all have doubts about the path taken, but living with the consequences is what being an adult is about.
How he does this is up to him. But try and make him see that your life doesn’t just revolve around your baby but the three of you together, that you also haven’t forgotten how it was just the two of you. Ask him what it is exactly that he misses? Freedom? Lack of responsibility? Is it because he now has to be the grown up?

*I’d worry that he’s trying to create distance between you, I hate to suggest but do you think he might be having a mid life crisis/crush on someone else?

Are you able to stand up for yourself, remind him he also wanted to have a baby and that you TTC together? Or is it too difficult?*

He acknowledged that he didn't want to push me away with what he was saying. I asked him if it was me, did he not to be with me, etc he said it wasn't that at all.

I think I briefly said that we were both trying for a baby and why had he waited until now to say something, but I was trying to take in everything he had said, so it's a bit of a blur. I probably focussed more on what he was saying about our baby than me.

Have you pointed out the obvious, that you can hardly shove it back up, so what is he going to do about facing up to his adult responsibilities and getting on with it?

*now

Well he feels trapped because you have a baby. That means 24/7 responsibility for someone’s life. I get it. I also think it’s good he can talk about it or acknowledge it. Too much of parenting is publicly “glossy” and then, taboo feelings can’t be spoken about. BUT most people have them... you too I imagined (or maybe they are to come). Bear with it , the feelings will be shared out/between you over time! And is he having full responsibility with baby 1-1 for days, as that will help that relationship to grow.

Sorry but he sounds like a bit of a manchild. What's done is done. It is what he wanted. He can't change his mind on this. It's not fair of him to dump this on you. He needs to sort it out - whether that's with counselling or medication or by moving out and not making your life miserable.

Go easy on him.. he sounds like a great man. I don’t think reminding him that he choose to do this or that it’s too late now is helping. It’s good he felt able to tell you how he feels instead of bottling it up.
Many women feel this way also and then we label it post natal depression. It’s a massive life change and no matter how much we try and prepare it’s still a shock. Be gentle, give it time.

Is it worth reminding him that you can’t unhave the baby

I went out for a few hours to five each other space, when we came home he did apologise for the blame on me & said he knows this isn't something he can just undo.

It breaks my heart to even type this. I love our baby so much that it really hurts.

think it's common for men to struggle at first but when your dc can interact more, he'll soon see a different side to parenting!

I am wondering if this will be the case. The newborn stage is boring for men, and also probably overwhelming. And he needs time to bond.

Ask him what it is exactly that he misses? Freedom? Lack of responsibility? Is it because he now has to be the grown up?

I've asked him this but he doesn't know. He said not having to put something else before him (cheers then!). But when I asked him to explain, he couldn't, and didn't have a reason. He mentioned being able to go out and do his own thing after work for a bit and things, but I've said many times I am ok with this.

Babies are exhausting and to be honest for me boring. Ah but when they become interactive with you that is when daddies get interested.

How old are you? I think age plays a big factor in terms of how you should deal with this. If he’s young he might genuine, if he’s older I would be questioning why he was fine up until now. It’s not unheard for men to cheat when their partner is pregnant and this is what I’d suspect, especially with his blaming you.

And is he having full responsibility with baby 1-1 for days, as that will help that relationship to grow.

No not yet, the most I have left the house for is 45 minutes on one occasion. He looks after baby when I have gone for baths and things. I just feel a bit reluctant now!

Teddybear late 20s. I don't suspect cheating at all.

Lots of parents go through this. Babies are like an earthquake hitting parents' lives.

Stop trying to analyse it. You just have to ride it out. It will get better as the baby gets bigger and the shock wears off.

Going against the grain a little here I think it’s good he’s expressing his feelings about this - there’s so much shame about not having the perfect baby and being the perfect parent, he’s voicing his feelings to you - his partner and best friend. You say he’s hands on and it doesn’t sound like he actually wants out - EVERYONE prefers life before especially at the newborn stage. DH and I still regularly admit that life would be a gazillion times easier if we weren’t parents

Honestly I’d take the opportunity to be able to talk your feelings out, by making accusations like above you will push him away and make him feel guilty for not having immediate rushes of love for the baby, which a sizeable number if parents just don’t have at first

I think it’s quite common, but people just don’t admit it because it’s seen as a heresy.
You need a lot of support, and emotions are running high, but you can all get through this. He needs to talk to someone if he can. I agree with the poster who said that your DH and the baby might benefit from some time together.
Awful though it may feel at least you are communicating with each other, which is a good basis for moving forward together.

I actually agree with @IJumpedAboardAPirateShip .

You can work through this together @Thebabybadge . Accept his feelings- accept yours too. There is no shame in either.

Keep communicating.

This is not a man child , or a selfish wanker - he's making himself vulnerable by being honest with you . Its a massive adjustment and you modt definitely need lots of compassion for each other.

Trust him with baby - give them to bond . Go out & leave them together, it will make you a better mum & him a better dad.

This will be ok

I think OP's Dh is getting a really hard time here. I think it's quite common.
I long for Dh's and my time, pre children, and we've got teenagers!!
It's totally understandable OP. Please don't fret. Your'll get through this.