Husband prefers life before baby

[Thebabybadge]

Name changed for this, will avoid a drip feed if possible. It is absolutely breaking me to post on here but I feel sick and don't know who to talk to.

We have a beautiful newborn baby who I love more than I can explain. Baby was planned and we TTC for a year, also had one MC.
We were originally going to wait another year or two before TTC but I was diagnosed with something that might impact my ability to have children, so we didn't. We had been together for years at this point in case anyone thinks our relationship was new.

Today DH has told me he feels trapped, claustrophobic. He can't explain why this is as I have said I am happy for him to do his own thing when he wants, within reason (e.g. social drinks, tennis, whatever) so long as it wasn't every night and I never got some me time either.

He says he feels like everything has changed, our relationship has changed, and that he doesn't feel ready to be a dad.
He would have happily waited before having children but had them for the sake of my happiness. He resents the baby because of how he is feeling.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I asked him if he wants to leave me or if it was 'us', he was very adamant this was not the case and said I am his world etc.
I asked if he resented the baby. Lots of pauses, unclear answers, references to the way things were before baby was born.

I wonder if perhaps he has paternal postnatal depression and have suggested be goes to the GP next week.

He also mentioned not feeling a rush of love for baby when they were born. I said that lots of men don't have this and the bond comes over time. He said he thinks this is getting better, he still thinks baby is brilliant, adorable, and makes him happy, but is still taking time to bond.

I feel sick. We have the perfect marriage, the life we have always talked about. But now he is saying he preferred how it was before.

I love my husband and it is breaking me to think he feels this way. It hurts me so much because of my beautiful baby. I don't know if it is just some sort of depression talking, if it is really him, or what.

He has been great with baby since birth, very doting and hands on, so this really hit me hard today.

I don't know how to feel or what to do.

He’s being very honest with you and that’s good. Life might be perfect for you as this is what you wanted but he wasn’t ready but did it for you. Not the wisest decision but me many have made to keep someone else happy.

I think it’s really good he is talking to you and he did apologise for the blame part- sometimes we project difficult feelings into other people or things in order to try to feel better. Eg I am annoyed by my boss who I can’t complain to so I might engineer an argument with my husband who I can then rant at but really it’s my boss I’m annoyed at. Similarly your husband might be feeling he is struggling but know he can’t really blame anyone as he wanted this too- but it feels better to “blame” you which he then regretted and apologised for.

Honestly it is overwhelming and the responsibility often is felt keenest by men whose societal role is “main breadwinner and provider” just as many women feel guilty for not breastfeeding due to the “mother as nurturer” role foist upon them too. So he may be feeling it all weighing on him and long for those days of freedom. But it is early days and he is being a good dad and good husband really and he will get there. I hope he can keep talking and you too. Try not to be upset on the baby’s behalf as it won’t affect them at all. GP and counselling is a good idea but not essential I’d say as he is actually being pretty normal by the sounds of it. And it’s very early days yet... lots of adjustment needed to becoming parents and a family from being a couple. to you both.

Why are people calling him a Man Child? There’s no way the posters would say it to the mother who was feeling overwhelmed.

the only thing your husband has done wrong here, is blame you. The way he is feeling is very common cause and It's not unfair for him to feel this, but it is very unfair to blame you for a decision he took part in.

However, saying "nothing has changed, we just take the baby with us to the pub / hotel / out for a walk" etc. Spectacularly misses the point. Of course it's changed! It's completely changed!! It sounds like you might be struggling to acknowledge / see his point of view.

He needs to get his head around having a new baby - counselling if he needs too - and stop blaming you. You need to really hear what he's telling you, and not assume that because his experience is not the same as yours, that it's "wrong" somehow.

Surprised at the negative posts. A lot of women feel like this too, I know I did.

I respect his honesty tbh.

Keep talking to each other and both be as supportive as you can.

I felt like this exactly with my first, i was 26 and thought i was prepared. It got better from about 6 weeks once i started getting a good sleep but the adjustment was terrifying and overwhelming. I remember sitting in the middle of the night thinking why did i do this.

Its not fair that ops husband has blamed her but its natural to try and find a cause for why you are feeling bad, i think speaking to someone would be a good idea x

You dh's response is normal. What's not so normal is that he has verbalised it. Most men just chose to bury their head so he's done well to admit it. It is really early days and from what you've written both you and your dh have had very different experiences this past 5 weeks- and that's ok. You seem to have adjusted really well to this huge change and come across as having given lots of thought to the short and longer term future. In some ways you come across as down playing the huge life change that happens post Dc e.g. a birthday weekend away will be just as good as we'll just stick a cot in the corner and perhaps he feels that you don't get where he's coming from. Are there new dads groups in your area and would he be happy to go?

Don't forget that you have hormones on your side, helping you love and adore your little baby. He doesn't have that. So bonding for you is a natural and physical process, for him it's a little bit more 'forced'.

Plus your baby is very very little. A lot of men don't feel much for tiny babies, particularly if you are breastfeeding. The love and the bond has to come more slowly (going by how my ex felt about our kids). It's all still so new, it's a bit like emigrating to a country you didn't know much about - it's thrilling and exciting to plan, but the reality of trying to find the shops and bus station is much much harder.

I think time will sort this out, as your baby gets older and the change to your life beds in more.

By the way - make sure he doesn't just mean 'I missing sex being on tap and available whenever I wanted it'...

It wouldn't worry me that he's admitted this. I think it's a normal way to feel in the early days with a newborn and I felt similarly myself. It's a huge, huge responsibility and the irrevocability is hard.

Tbh I'd also be wary about accusing him of 'blaming' the OP. It seems he has said, truthfully enough, that he felt under pressure to TTC because of the OP's health issues when he didn't feel ready yet. If that is the case, how else could he say it exactly? And it undoubtedly does contribute to how he feels now. I can just imagine what responses he'd be attracting if the OP had posted saying she needed to get cracking on TTC because of her health and he said he wasn't ready.

I think this will pass. You have a good channel of communication so keep it open and try not to take how he feels too personally. If he is a good and sensible man, he will adapt and bond and life will get past the demanding, frenzied newborn days. I second giving them time together, good sized chunks if you are not BF and special roles in baby's routine if you are. Daddy's role was settling baby by walking them in the sling when both mine were small.

Regarding him feeling pressured to have the baby...we had so many long discussions about it before I actually came off contraception to me sure itis what we both wanted. That is why I'm not surenif the 'I'm not ready for this' is related to not having the immediate love. We chatted briefly at 5am and he mentioned whenbaby cries, there is no emotional thought process, just a series of steps to try and get her settled. I'm not sure what else he is expecting to feel when a baby cries. I wonder if other people have painted a different picture and he thinks he is responding wrongly to becoming a dad.
He did say this is meant to be the most joyous time of his life but it isn't right now. I told him this is normal - we aren't sleeping and our baby needs us round the clock.
BIL says he felt an immediate love for their DC so I wonder if there is pressure from that?

I suggested whilst I was pregnant that he goes to some new dad groups but he isn't keen.
Unfortunately he doesn't have many family options to talk to, and those he can talk to he is scared will share how he is feeling with everyone else.

He has his own little role of doing baby's evening wind down. He bathes baby, gives a bottle, sings songs and dresses for bed.
He is happy doing things like this, genuinely happy, which is why all this has taken me by surprise.

However, saying "nothing has changed, we just take the baby with us to the pub / hotel / out for a walk" etc. Spectacularly misses the point. Of course it's changed! It's completely changed!! It sounds like you might be struggling to acknowledge / see his point of view.

The reason I said this is he was saying we can't do things we would have otherwise done because of xyz, but actually, so far we have done everything we would have normally done. He mentioned we can't just go for a night out, but before I was pregnant if I asked him to go for a night out, he would have said no anyway because we aren't big drinkers.

We have made arrangements to go for a meal together in about a months time and DM is going to look after LO or a few hours. Maybe that will help.

And about the weekend away for his birthday...we always stay self catering and go for walks with the dog. We don't go out partying. So in that respect the weekend away will be very much the same in terms of our activities. We are always back watching tv by about 3.30! Baby will be much older than and probably able to crawl.

My DH felt like this. He didn't open up to me. I came home early one day and found a note. He was about to leave to commit suicide. This was when DS was maybe 5 months?
He felt very, very lost. Financially we were ruined and I didnt know the extent because he had had to be "a man" and "provide for his family". He took out loans to keep us afloat and we still haven't managed to climb out.
He felt disconnected from his life, he suffered from depression, but most of all, he hated himself for how he felt. He hated that he wasn't the dad he wanted to be or the dad DS deserved. He hated that he wasn't the husband he wanted to be. He hated that he couldn't get through the day without breaking down.
I fucking dare someone to tell him he needed to "man up" or "grow up" or call him a knob.
Just because he is a man doesn't mean he doesn't fucking feel things. That is toxic masculinity right there. It fucking kills.

OP, be grateful that he is opening up to you. Listen to him and make sure he knows that you will always support him. He can't leave you alone to do everything so make sure he gets the help he needs. It's like we always say to women, a baby needs a healthy mother, so take care of yourself. A relationship needs two healthy people, so take care of each other.

I felt the same when my LO was born i'm the mother, having a child changes everything, i felt trapped, isolated and a bit of a resentment toward's the LO although i did love the LO, i learned to except the life changes it took a few months though, hopefully your OH will do the same .

Bianca your poor DH. I am glad that her pulled out despite reaching the lowest point possible.

I don't know what DH said to me that made the depression flag wave in my head, but he is open to support about this. I have said he can go to the GP alone if he would prefer it or I will go to support him, and he is open to going to counselling.

I am tempted to suggest marriage counselling because I feel very hurt by some of what has been said but I don't want to load more on to his plate. It's hard knowing what is the right thing to do about that. I'll let him have his own counselling first.

Okay from what you've just said I think he's just really overthinking things and feeling bullshit "pressure" to be overcome with love etc. The newborn period with your first baby is very, very often not even fucking close to the most joyous time of your life. I hated the first 12 weeks with my first and I dare say DH wasn't much better. I sure as shit didn't feel overcome with love either. I used to wish someone would take the baby away, at least for about 24 hours so I could have a sleep and breathe.

And you are kind of minimising his feelings. Things ARE different. It doesn't matter if you werent particularly rock and roll before, it still is different. You have to take a buggy and a change bag to the pub, you have to juggle baby when they cry, you have to pay for their stuff, you're looking down the barrel of 20+ years of responsibility and cost. Everything is different, even if superficially not much is.

Reassure him that his feelings are normal and many, maybe most, people really struggle with the newborn period. Accept that for him everything IS different. Give it time.

*he

My husband doted on ds1, they had a bond from day 1.

Ds2 cried whenever dh tried to settle him, he just wanted me for the first few months. Dh told me he found it really hard as ds2 "hated him", he found it hard to bond with him. However within a few months ds2 was super easy and slept well, smiled a lot.

Now they are totally besotted with each other.

I think it's hard for men as they don't build up the bond that we do carrying the babies, feeling those kicks and having 9 months with baby solely with us.

Men get a form of depression after children, it might be worth a chat to the gp.

The important thing is that he is able to chat to you and that you are able to listen without judgement.

Are you able to speak to a friend/relative for support too?

I think what hes feeling is normal, I felt it after having my ds, and so did my dh. Ds is 18mo and we have number 2 on the way and I still get that feeling of wanting to go back to the way things were sometimes. I think the people suggesting hes burdened the op with his issues are being a little unfair. As the parents of their baby they need to be a team and support each other. If one member of that team feels like they will be a burden for opening up on how they feel, however clumsily or poorly worded, then that is the route to mental health problems, resentment and relationship issues.

Yes as the mother the op has the bulk of the responsibility at the moment for nurturing the baby, but that doesn't negate his feelings or experience and telling him to suck it up and get on with it would likely do more harm than good in the long run. Are we not trying to teach our young boys to articulate and learn to cope with their emotions, that it's ok to cry, to be scared and overwhelmed? 'Deal with it' to me feels a lot like 'boys don't cry' which we know is toxic masculinity at its worst.

The man has opened up, recognised that he is struggling, and has agreed to seek help. I think that's a phenomenally good thing. And I think he and the op will both be better for his doing so.

This is so breathtakingly upsetting and unfair on you, I’m so sorry he’s being a knob.

But I don’t think he is being a knob and reactions like this are why men find it so difficult to talk about their feelings.

It is totally normal for him to feel this way- he doesn’t have the hormones that help you to bond with the baby. It’s good that he is talking to you about how he feels rather than bottling it up. It could be postnatal depression (men can get it too) or it could just be a short term reaction to the sudden change in routines.

If he were going out all the time, bottling up his feelings and not helping at all with the baby or trying to bond then yes he would be a knob. But that’s not what you have said.

I fully respect his honesty actually, it’s great he is opening up to you although obviously deeply upsetting for you to hear. Communication is key in any relationship, at least he isn’t bottling it up and quietly seething with resentment.

Counselling should help and also time. In time he will undoubtedly adjust and bond with the baby. So many women feel this way, it’s completely understandable that men do too.

Only 5 weeks, this is totally normal. Will ease up once baby more interesting!!!

Lots of people prefer life pre-baby. A little bit of forward thinking would have told him his life would completely change. How could it not. Having a baby to make someone else happy is a terrible idea. It rarely ends well.

Are you able to speak to a friend/relative for support too?
Yeah I have DM and a good friend.

I got a lie in the morning whilst he took LO downstairs. He fed her, cuddled her, and said he did enjoy it so he knows that he does want her. We spoke about it and he said perhaps he is just overwhelmed by the responsibility. He said he didn't mean it to come across like he was blaming me.

He says it's how we have been thrown in to parenthood that is hard, it's a stark contrast. I agreed and said that is fair and it will get easier, they are very needy as newborns, he needs to give himself time to adjust. He also agreed it's not that he wants to do xyz, it would just be harder to do these things if he did want to and that's why he feels trapped.

In a couple of months we might have a bit of a bedtime routine with LO which might help, as we will have a few hours to ourselves after they're in their crib (at the moment LO is just where ever we are at all times).

It sounds like he understands his thoughts more this morning, still feels 'trapped', but hopefully time and possibly medical support or counselling will help.

He also said he didn't just have the baby to make me happy and he didnt mean it to sound like that yesterday, as I can't help my health issues, he just feels like this a couple of years sooner than he would have expected to.

He acknowledged how awful it sounded saying what he said about that after consciously trying for a baby, getting me pregnant, me growing the baby, giving birth. And he did say he isn't going to just up and run from his responsibility.