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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband prefers life before baby

129 replies

Thebabybadge · 13/07/2019 23:22

Name changed for this, will avoid a drip feed if possible. It is absolutely breaking me to post on here but I feel sick and don't know who to talk to.

We have a beautiful newborn baby who I love more than I can explain. Baby was planned and we TTC for a year, also had one MC.
We were originally going to wait another year or two before TTC but I was diagnosed with something that might impact my ability to have children, so we didn't. We had been together for years at this point in case anyone thinks our relationship was new.

Today DH has told me he feels trapped, claustrophobic. He can't explain why this is as I have said I am happy for him to do his own thing when he wants, within reason (e.g. social drinks, tennis, whatever) so long as it wasn't every night and I never got some me time either.

He says he feels like everything has changed, our relationship has changed, and that he doesn't feel ready to be a dad.
He would have happily waited before having children but had them for the sake of my happiness. He resents the baby because of how he is feeling.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I asked him if he wants to leave me or if it was 'us', he was very adamant this was not the case and said I am his world etc.
I asked if he resented the baby. Lots of pauses, unclear answers, references to the way things were before baby was born.

I wonder if perhaps he has paternal postnatal depression and have suggested be goes to the GP next week.

He also mentioned not feeling a rush of love for baby when they were born. I said that lots of men don't have this and the bond comes over time. He said he thinks this is getting better, he still thinks baby is brilliant, adorable, and makes him happy, but is still taking time to bond.

I feel sick. We have the perfect marriage, the life we have always talked about. But now he is saying he preferred how it was before.

I love my husband and it is breaking me to think he feels this way. It hurts me so much because of my beautiful baby. I don't know if it is just some sort of depression talking, if it is really him, or what.

He has been great with baby since birth, very doting and hands on, so this really hit me hard today.

I don't know how to feel or what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebabybadge · 14/07/2019 11:34

I feel really shit that I'm on here about this. Almost like it's not fair on him. But it is much easier talking anonymously to strangers than it is people I know.

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 14/07/2019 11:40

It’s ok for you to post anything on here, it’s your thread. Please don’t feel bad about it.

ThanosSavedMe · 14/07/2019 11:53

My initial reaction to your thread title was of course it was preferable before. More money, more freedom, more sex, more spontaneity it then I read your posts.

On the positive side he is talking to you. Not trying to be the perfect dad / husband / man. Saying that he hasn’t explained himself very well but he’s trying.

That initial rush of love doesn’t happen for everyone and the guilt you feel for that is horrendous. You feel like a failure.

Keep talking to each other, it’s great he’s willing to speak to someone, you need to carry on being open too.

It is tough being a parent in those early days / weeks / months even years. He’s right, everything has changed. At least he’s acknowledged it and isn’t pretending like it hasn’t happened

Happyornot · 14/07/2019 11:57

Really feel for you OP, but can also totally understand. We tried for over a year and wanted a baby desperately and when she was here I remember feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. All of a sudden the responsibility of looking after this tiny beautiful thing that could only communicate her needs by crying, sometimes terrified me. All the things we used to be able to do easily was a lot lot harder. I never regretted our decision to have her luckily but I think my husband got some sort of depression since her birth (she is now 5). He loves her to pieces and they have great times together, but he went a bit off the rails at times when she was much younger. The feeling of being a bit trapped. So maybe get him to talk to someone, and I do think it will get better with time, as your lives adjust to this new addition. I don’t think your DH is having an affair, I genuinely think he is just struggling and it’s good he is talking to you about it. Keep us updated on how you all get on

tatyr · 14/07/2019 12:11

www.reachingoutpmh.co.uk/

The are some online resources around that he might find more accessible

SignedUpJust4This · 14/07/2019 12:12

Whoever told him this was supposed to be the most joyous time of his life has a lot to answer for. The first year is the hardest fucking year of my life. It gets a lot more fun at 6months old. But it's still hard. You learn ways to get things done easier. The first 3-6 months is an absolute slog and his main priority here should be looking after you so you can look after baby. Tell him to keep his head down. Put the washing on. Cook the meals. Snatch a cuddle when he can. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Isleepinahedgefund · 14/07/2019 12:12

It’s a major life change and you can’t anticipate how much it is going to change your life. I don’t think he’s being selfish by being honest with you. Better that and give you the opportunity to discuss it and work through it together than to do what so many men do and just act like an arse and refuse to help with the baby they helped create.

sar302 · 14/07/2019 12:13

But you're not doing x,y and z, you're doing x,y and z with a baby - and it's not the same. And even if you haven't been out drinking til 3am on a Saturday night for 3 years, you still could have, and now you can't. And that's where the claustrophobia starts.

I know it sounds crazy. But please try and hear him. I was your husband and my husband was you. The baby fitted into his life beautifully. He loved him from the day he was born - everything he ever wanted. For a variety of reasons it took me time to get there. I didn't blame him (I will still say your husband's not being fair to do that), but we had very different experiences. And he just had to be a bit patient and wait for me to catch up.

Karwomannghia · 14/07/2019 12:21

I think it’s great he’s talking to you. Invariably the mum does the vast majority of the care at this stage, let alone the impact on your body and hormones so it’s so easy to think how on earth can he be feeling any stress, how pathetic etc and dismiss his feelings. So it’s great you’re taking it seriously, I think the blame thing on you initially was to deflect his feelings of it being his fault, or the baby’s, so it must be yours.
It’s so much for you to cope with now especially. Really hope he starts to feel better soon and that you are still able to enjoy this wonderful time.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 14/07/2019 12:33

Doesn't help calling him a man child just because he's being honest about his feelings Hmm He can't help how he feels, and it's not like he isn't pulling his weight.

DH and I both felt this way very strongly during the first year or so - we missed our old lives intensely and felt like we'd made a horrible mistake despite DS being very much wanted. We confided in one another and it really helped that we felt the same. Personally, I found it impossible to grasp that it would ever get easier. On some level, I genuinely felt like I was doomed to look after this screaming, pooing millstone for the rest of my life.

DS did in fact get older, easier, more interesting and much more fun., and I can't now imagine how I managed without him. I think your DH will find it helpful if you show him the constructive posts on here, to let him know he's not alone. Maybe skip past the manchild bullshit though.

LettuceP · 14/07/2019 12:35

I felt exactly the same as your dh especially after my second dc. I spent the first 2 months after having my second convinced that I'd made a terrible mistake and I should never have got pregnant and life was so much better when it was just me, dh and dd in our settled little life. I didn't feel love for ds, I didn't even like him. He was just this crying little bundle that kept me up at night and had ruined my life. But my feelings soon changed and now (he's 15 months) I couldn't imagine life without him, I love him so much. Now we have a settled little life as a family of 4.

As others have said having a baby is unbelievably life changing and it takes some people time to adjust. It's completely normal to feel the way he does. When I tried to open up and tell dh how I felt about ds he did not handle it well and it absolutely destroyed me. I so desperately wanted him to listen and understand and be patient with me but he basically said I was being horrible and that we can't change it now so I needed to get a grip. He made me feel like the worst person in the world when I was just looking for a bit of support. Please be understanding.

Original poster
Thebabybadge · 14/07/2019 13:06

Whoever told him this was supposed to be the most joyous time of his life has a lot to answer for.

I completely agree with this. I think I know who has painted this picture for him and unfortunately it is somebody he is close to.

Part of me wants to show him the posts on here but I feel like I've almost betrayed him by posting on MN. But I needed to talk to people last night that would understand, and I'm glad I did, because I feel better this morning. I know that it isn't my fault/he doesn't think it's the baby's fault, and I just need to support him whilst he feels like this. I know he would do the same for me.
Funny thing is, he genuinely thought I would get PND because I have a history of anxiety issues. I don't think he stopped to think about his own feelings as much.

OP posts:
Lumene · 14/07/2019 13:22

What he is feeling is perfectly understandable. If this was a mum posting about feeling like this, many would suggest confiding in a partner for support.

I would feel glad that he feels able to discuss it with you as his partner, co-parent and best friend.

Men don’t have the same newtworks to discuss these things and work them through, or be reassured that things will change as time goes on.

SusieOwl4 · 14/07/2019 13:31

I think you should feel grateful he can talk to you and also consider going to a GP , he sounds brave - not deserving of some of the insults on here. It will just take time - there is not always an instant bond .

Lumene · 14/07/2019 17:01

I just need to support him whilst he feels like this. I know he would do the same for me.

That’s lovely OP. You sound like you have a great relationship. It does get better, just keep supporting each other and communicating.

saraclara · 14/07/2019 17:15

Honestly, I think it's fantastic that he opened up to you honestly (though of course I'm glad he backtracked on the blaming you bit)

So many men hide their feelings, and it can end up in disaster. You're clearly a strong couple. His openness to discussing things and to getting some help is another huge plus.

I know it was hard for you to hear, but his opening up and your conversations since then indicate that you have a really strong relationship. And this WILL get better. Once your baby is at the smiley interacting stage, it will become a lot easier for him to bond and feel loved as a father.

Anyone pulling the man-child thing needs to stop being so sexist. New parenthood is tough for both parents.

Original poster
Thebabybadge · 14/07/2019 17:35

Thank you.

I'm trying to work out if I should try to talk to him to keep the conversation open or just leave it so as not to smother him, at least until he has seen the GP?

OP posts:
CmdrCressidaDuck · 14/07/2019 17:40

I'd tell him that what he said was hard to hear, but that you know his feelings are common and I'd thank him for being honest with you. I'd also check whether he's planning to consult the GP and whether he'd like your support with seeking help.

Original poster
Thebabybadge · 14/07/2019 18:22

He's going to the GP, I'm not going to him with him as he would prefer to go on his own, if he needs to go to anything else I'll support him in arranging it and attending if he wants me there

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebabybadge · 14/07/2019 18:23

*To go there

OP posts:
Scorpiovenus · 16/07/2019 16:34

Yea second poster is right this is what they mean by kids ruin marriages and relationships.

Original poster
Thebabybadge · 16/07/2019 19:10

Scorpio actually in the last few days we have had lots of really open and honest conversations and now are both in a much better place, he has also realised his feelings are completely normal and that he doesn't need to question all of his responses, which I'm so pleased about.

OP posts:
OvalCanvas · 17/07/2019 01:44

@Thebabybadge I'm so glad that talking has helped you both. What a lovely update.

Original poster
Thebabybadge · 17/07/2019 03:50

Thanks Oval. We are still chatting and he has come to realise that he is just finding the responsibility a bit overwhelming, which is totally fine, and that he likely would have felt this way at any age. I also had a bit of a traumatic labour which had an effect on him as well & he needs to remember he had to see and experience that whilst obviously not going through it physically. So it's all had a knock on effect.

We are going to keep talking but I think things are going to be ok.

OP posts:
Bignicetree · 17/07/2019 07:07

Those crying man child and knob should be utterly ashamed of yourselves.

Op this is NORMAL.
Enjoy your baby x