Husband prefers life before baby

[Thebabybadge]

Name changed for this, will avoid a drip feed if possible. It is absolutely breaking me to post on here but I feel sick and don't know who to talk to.

We have a beautiful newborn baby who I love more than I can explain. Baby was planned and we TTC for a year, also had one MC.
We were originally going to wait another year or two before TTC but I was diagnosed with something that might impact my ability to have children, so we didn't. We had been together for years at this point in case anyone thinks our relationship was new.

Today DH has told me he feels trapped, claustrophobic. He can't explain why this is as I have said I am happy for him to do his own thing when he wants, within reason (e.g. social drinks, tennis, whatever) so long as it wasn't every night and I never got some me time either.

He says he feels like everything has changed, our relationship has changed, and that he doesn't feel ready to be a dad.
He would have happily waited before having children but had them for the sake of my happiness. He resents the baby because of how he is feeling.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I asked him if he wants to leave me or if it was 'us', he was very adamant this was not the case and said I am his world etc.
I asked if he resented the baby. Lots of pauses, unclear answers, references to the way things were before baby was born.

I wonder if perhaps he has paternal postnatal depression and have suggested be goes to the GP next week.

He also mentioned not feeling a rush of love for baby when they were born. I said that lots of men don't have this and the bond comes over time. He said he thinks this is getting better, he still thinks baby is brilliant, adorable, and makes him happy, but is still taking time to bond.

I feel sick. We have the perfect marriage, the life we have always talked about. But now he is saying he preferred how it was before.

I love my husband and it is breaking me to think he feels this way. It hurts me so much because of my beautiful baby. I don't know if it is just some sort of depression talking, if it is really him, or what.

He has been great with baby since birth, very doting and hands on, so this really hit me hard today.

I don't know how to feel or what to do.

I agree with most other posters that the feelings your DH is expressing are totally normal and many new parents will relate to much of what he says. I also think it's quite normal, although not particularly helpful, to look to blame the other parent for elements of the situation. We all know how exhausted parents end up competing about who is the most tired etc and I think that people often behave undesirably when placed under a lot of stress and facing massive life changes. Of course it isn't nice and should be addressed, but I do think it is quite human when people are trying to process a lot of emotions and understand why they have ended up in this situation and feel the way they do.

My advice would be to go easy on each other. It sounds like he is in emotional turmoil and has reached out to you to provide support. In lots of ways this is great as it shows that he trusts you and the lines of communication are still open. However maybe you need to accept that at the moment you aren't in a position to provide the kind of support he wants because you are also processing everything that's happened and are not in a place mentally or emotionally where you can hear the truth about how he might feel about you and the baby without it massively impacting your own emotions and mental health. He may well benefit from talking through his feelings and thoughts with a third party that's detached from the situation and can support him without feeling attacked.

At 5 weeks, honestly it’s him suddenly realising that he has a child (responsibility) for life. I felt like that too, didn’t stop me loving my baby. But I do wonder if I could have delayed having her exactly by a year or so, would my life now would be much more settled and I could have enjoyed her more. I love her and don’t regret her, but the attraction of freedom was still there in the early weeks.

Gently, I think you’re focusing on the part where he’s put the blame on you. You said he came back and apologised for that. Having a newborn massively changes your life, we all know that. It just takes some people longer to adjust than others. That’s fine. He’s not neglecting you, he’s not staying out all hours or completely ignoring the baby. He may have certain feelings and regrets, right now, but he’s not acting on them. Feelings can change.

I exclusively breastfed dd and I know there were periods where she was very attached to only me and would cry every time dh picked her up. I’m sure it made him feel a little pushed out. I know even I have felt massively overwhelmed at times.

I just think if he’s come to you with his feelings and been honest with you, you can’t now hold this against him. Whether you think his feelings are valid or not, they’re his, so you have to talk through them and go easy on each other.

Quite honestly, he needs to suck it up and get on with it.

Please stay calm and be kind to him.

He has PND - yes, fathers get it too.

Men talk about the huge rush of responsibility they feel when becoming a father - that he has to protect and provide and be responsible. And that is frightening, and it is a burden.

You are very lucky that he trusts you and feels connected to you to risk being vulnerable with you over these 'unmanly' feelings. Pretty much every man has this panic, but battle with it on their own.

But he trusts you enough to talk about it. That is a huge gift, and please just BE THERE FOR HIM with love and comfort whilst he adjusts to his new reality.

(post natal support cap on)

I had an unplanned baby at 21. My life was pretty much over, my body was ruined. Stretch marks everywhere and spaniels ears boobs. .....at 21.
I often had days when I felt my life was over but I was a mum. I had to get my big girls pants on and bring up my child alone.
Your husband needs to understand he is a dad now and grow up. You and the baby rely on him and need him. He still has some freedom which you don't.
Yes of course his life has changed but he has a family now and has to get on with it.
Having a baby is a huge responsibility. It's OK to have some wobbles we all do but ultimately we need to step up and concentrate on raising our child.
Let's hope this is just a wobble. Try not to make him feel excluded though. It's east to push a partner right out wits a breastfeeding new baby.

Honey, it is just a period of adjustment, most parents go through it

“He needs to suck it up and get on with it”

“He needs to grow up”

Would any of these comments be said to a woman struggling after having a baby?

The positive is that he was able to tell you how he feels. A lot of men wouldn’t and would bottle up their feelings.

What he is feeling is normal and it will pass as baby gets older. Just be kind to each other, talk about fears and grow into it together. It’s very hard on couples and nobody teaches you this.

As per PP, a baby is absolutely life changing, forever.

I suspect your husband will change as your child gets older and interacts with him. I would not worry too much about it at this point.

I dont think anything prepares you for the birth of your first child.

Not everyone gets the first rush of love. The sudden sense of responsibility can feel overwhelming. The reality kicks in. This is your life.

No matter how much a baby is much wanted, planned for, the reality can be different from what was expected. It isnt that you want to do XYZ it is the realisation that you cant do XYZ.

Before the baby arrives all the attention is on the parents. Everyone asks how you are, takes an interest. Then the baby arrives. Everyone is interested in the baby, some people will ask how the mum is getting on, only a very few will ask how the dad is doing.

It is very normal and good on him for talking about it.
Go and have long walk and talk about it.
Life with a New born is tough for both if you. It will get easier. I shouted at my DH (who had an older child) "why did you let me do this it's soo fucking hard" when my ds was 6 weeks old. Sometimes you irrationally blame people.

The fact that he is telling you about how he feels etc is very positive. By the sounds of it he's not going to just throw the towel in and he knows it will get better over time as you both adjust to parenthood. I'd say keep communicating about it and make time to listen/spend a little bit of time with each other that's perhaps not baby related. Even if it's just a ten min chat about something cool, going for a coffee or watching a tv show you both enjoy. Nothing's too small and it is all quality time. X

There’s a lot of bashing of the OP’s DH here, which makes me sad. He’s not “a knob”, he is feeling overwhelmed and tried to tell OP as best he could. He obviously feels exactly the same way I did when we had our (much wanted, planned for) son. I regretted it hugely - I had no idea what REAL life with a baby was like. Everyone told me life would change but you can’t know until you live it. I missed our “old” life and felt awful because I’d been the one pushing for a child and felt I had convinced DH to go for it. I missed freedom, eating hot food, sleeping, not listening to the baby cry constantly.

I felt like this all while still being a good mum. I just ploughed through and thankfully it did get better. We got a bit of our old life back once the newborn stage was over. I love(d) my husband dearly and we just clung onto each other and rode it out.

Newborns are HARD. It will get better. It’s great that you’re communicating.

My DH was baby - pah! It can't do anything, it doesn't listen to my stories, it's dull. Then toddler- ooh it's getting interesting- it follows me, it laughs. He was then behaving like dad of the year! Perhaps he will just prefer a different stage. That's pretty normal I think.

Some vile comments here.

It's normal to feel this way and it's healthy that he's communicating that.

Keep talking op. Pull him up when he's blaming you (to be honest it sounds like he's lashing out at you because you are a 'safe' person to do that to).

It's very early days so be kind to yourselves.

I think what your DH is experiencing is entirely normal. Life AC is a completely different life and it’s natural to mourn for your lost life. I felt like this.

It’s good that he’s talking to you about this, rather than bottling it up. Would you rather he pretends everything is okay, just to keep you happy?

With time and support, he will get over the shock of losing his past life. I think it’s a type of bereavement for some people. Has he got family and friends to support him? It’s difficult times for you both as you adjust to parenthood. 💐

Baby is only 5 weeks! That's a hard stage and everything is so new. I was a bit like your DH after DS was born. I didn't have a 'rush of love' (long labour, EMCS, large blood loss) and for the first few weeks I honestly thought life would be fine if someone just took him away. Fast forward 2 years and everything is different. Yes, I had a night out last night and would rather lie in my bed vegetating than parent today but I think a lot of people would feel like that! Parenting is hard and it's for life. I think you'll find things will change as time goes on. Try not to worry, at least he is being honest with you.

Yes his feelings are normal. What's not normal is burdening your post natal wife with it when her life has changed much more than hers and even blaming her for something you whole heartedly took part in.

Going against the grain a little here I think it’s good he’s expressing his feelings about this - there’s so much shame about not having the perfect baby and being the perfect parent, he’s voicing his feelings to you - his partner and best friend. You say he’s hands on and it doesn’t sound like he actually wants out - EVERYONE prefers life before especially at the newborn stage. DH and I still regularly admit that life would be a gazillion times easier if we weren’t parents

Have to agree with you there . When all these celebrity women appear on TV and talk about how hard it is having children ( Giovanna Fletcher et al) no one calls them a " woman child" - instead they are praised for being brave and talking about this. Why the reversal?

It's very early days; I think many people feel like your DH. Your baby will grow and change and do more, and your DH will bond.
I felt like this with DD tbh, I just looked after her because I had to otherwise I felt bloody miserable about the life change. by the time she was about 10 weeks I loved her fiercely and couldn't believe I ever felt like that.

It's normal, he will be okay and so will you.

Could be PND but also he does kind of need to get over it and accept the new. It will settle soon.

Yes his feelings are normal. What's not normal is burdening your post natal wife with it when her life has changed much more than hers and even blaming her for something you whole heartedly took part in.
^^This. 100%
Clearly he doesn't appear to realise how hurtful this is.

I agree that counselling for him is a good idea. He needs to off load these feelings to someone outside the relationship. It’s not fair to add another job to you.

Also he doesn’t seem to be able to take responsibility for his own choice to have a baby and blames it on you, which isn’t fair and is very hurtful. It will help having an independent person point this out.

The other thing that is very important is that you BOTH get equal time away from baby. If anything he needs to spend more time with baby not less.

So if he plays tennis for two hours once a week , you also need two hours leisure. Not he goes out from work twice a week 5pm until 10pm and you get an hour to go to Asda.

Time caring for his baby will help him bond. He won’t do it if you are there too.

I felt exactly like he does with both my dc. Literally to the point with my first one particularly I wondered what the hell I had done. I really resented the whole newborn / crying / up all hours / taking over my life thing - and this was a baby I had desperately wanted! I don’t think anyone can prepare you for how overwhelming it actually is.

With my second I anticipated I would feel like that and just knowing it would pass made me feel better.

(And it did pass- mostly as dd got older and more interactive and I was able to get some of my old life back! I had my second 10 years after my first, it took me that long to forget how awful it all was!)

I do love my dc to the moon and back and have a great relationship with them both - now eldest is late teens and youngest 7. But the baby stage was utterly shit and not everyone has the same glowing “I love my baby” thing that you do, we’re all different.

If he is saying he wants to be with you and is doing the nitty gritty of caring for the baby then maybe that’s the best he can do right now. It’s hurtful of him but he’s just being honest.

Also, not sure if this is how he’s feeling but the whole unpredictability of babies crying really stressed me out. You’re saying you can just put the baby in a sling and go to the pub etc - I couldn’t cope with stuff like that, it wasn’t enjoyable to me. I’d spend the entire time being on edge wondering if the baby was suddenly going to start crying and if they did it would ruin it for me.