Husband prefers life before baby

[Thebabybadge]

Name changed for this, will avoid a drip feed if possible. It is absolutely breaking me to post on here but I feel sick and don't know who to talk to.

We have a beautiful newborn baby who I love more than I can explain. Baby was planned and we TTC for a year, also had one MC.
We were originally going to wait another year or two before TTC but I was diagnosed with something that might impact my ability to have children, so we didn't. We had been together for years at this point in case anyone thinks our relationship was new.

Today DH has told me he feels trapped, claustrophobic. He can't explain why this is as I have said I am happy for him to do his own thing when he wants, within reason (e.g. social drinks, tennis, whatever) so long as it wasn't every night and I never got some me time either.

He says he feels like everything has changed, our relationship has changed, and that he doesn't feel ready to be a dad.
He would have happily waited before having children but had them for the sake of my happiness. He resents the baby because of how he is feeling.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I asked him if he wants to leave me or if it was 'us', he was very adamant this was not the case and said I am his world etc.
I asked if he resented the baby. Lots of pauses, unclear answers, references to the way things were before baby was born.

I wonder if perhaps he has paternal postnatal depression and have suggested be goes to the GP next week.

He also mentioned not feeling a rush of love for baby when they were born. I said that lots of men don't have this and the bond comes over time. He said he thinks this is getting better, he still thinks baby is brilliant, adorable, and makes him happy, but is still taking time to bond.

I feel sick. We have the perfect marriage, the life we have always talked about. But now he is saying he preferred how it was before.

I love my husband and it is breaking me to think he feels this way. It hurts me so much because of my beautiful baby. I don't know if it is just some sort of depression talking, if it is really him, or what.

He has been great with baby since birth, very doting and hands on, so this really hit me hard today.

I don't know how to feel or what to do.

The traumatic labour had an impact on my husband too. It was like he was in shell shock first 6 months.

"Today DH has told me he feels trapped, claustrophobic. He can't explain why this is as I have said I am happy for him to do his own thing when he wants, within reason (e.g. social drinks, tennis, whatever) so long as it wasn't every night and I never got some me time either."

Normal.

"He says he feels like everything has changed, our relationship has changed"

Normal. Of course it's changed.

"I feel like my life has fallen apart."

Normal. I could have written this nearly a year ago!

"He also mentioned not feeling a rush of love for baby when they were born. I said that lots of men don't have this and the bond comes over time. He said he thinks this is getting better, he still thinks baby is brilliant, adorable, and makes him happy, but is still taking time to bond."

Normal.

"I feel sick. We have the perfect marriage, the life we have always talked about. But now he is saying he preferred how it was before."

Normal.

"I don't know how to feel or what to do"

Normal.

Hi op, having a baby is the most life-changing thing anyone could ever do. It turns every aspect of your life upside down and that includes your marriage, which you'll have to work harder at now.

Your situation sounds 100% normal and many, many couples go through what you've described. It's just a taboo subject, but if you really ask people to be honest or research online you'll see that it's normal and you'll come through the other side!

Our ds is nearly 1 and when he was born my fiancé and I went through a version of what you've described. Both shattered and figuring out what we were doing, arguments etc. It does get better and easier for most couples, it just takes time.

Try to make lives as easy for yourselves as possible - you're in the eye of the storm right now. Think the odd ready meal, naps for you if possible (trust me I know this isn't always possible!), minimal housework, you get the idea.

Over time you'll adjust to your new roles as parents. Good luck

The wanting it as it was before... does he mean sex?

After all, your baby is only 5 weeks, but is he feeling 'deprived'?

Are you both still close anyway?

My DP was like this he didn't really bond with DD properly until she was around 3 and now she's 6 they do lots of activities together and are really close.
I think it's more common than people admit