Husband prefers life before baby

[Thebabybadge]

Name changed for this, will avoid a drip feed if possible. It is absolutely breaking me to post on here but I feel sick and don't know who to talk to.

We have a beautiful newborn baby who I love more than I can explain. Baby was planned and we TTC for a year, also had one MC.
We were originally going to wait another year or two before TTC but I was diagnosed with something that might impact my ability to have children, so we didn't. We had been together for years at this point in case anyone thinks our relationship was new.

Today DH has told me he feels trapped, claustrophobic. He can't explain why this is as I have said I am happy for him to do his own thing when he wants, within reason (e.g. social drinks, tennis, whatever) so long as it wasn't every night and I never got some me time either.

He says he feels like everything has changed, our relationship has changed, and that he doesn't feel ready to be a dad.
He would have happily waited before having children but had them for the sake of my happiness. He resents the baby because of how he is feeling.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I asked him if he wants to leave me or if it was 'us', he was very adamant this was not the case and said I am his world etc.
I asked if he resented the baby. Lots of pauses, unclear answers, references to the way things were before baby was born.

I wonder if perhaps he has paternal postnatal depression and have suggested be goes to the GP next week.

He also mentioned not feeling a rush of love for baby when they were born. I said that lots of men don't have this and the bond comes over time. He said he thinks this is getting better, he still thinks baby is brilliant, adorable, and makes him happy, but is still taking time to bond.

I feel sick. We have the perfect marriage, the life we have always talked about. But now he is saying he preferred how it was before.

I love my husband and it is breaking me to think he feels this way. It hurts me so much because of my beautiful baby. I don't know if it is just some sort of depression talking, if it is really him, or what.

He has been great with baby since birth, very doting and hands on, so this really hit me hard today.

I don't know how to feel or what to do.

Something is going on here and I'd want to get to the bottom of it now. What is particularly alarming is him saying he would've waited but had the baby for your benefit. So he is either rewriting history and blaming you (common with affairs) or he is confessing he has not been honest with you for quite some time.

I also don't think it's a good idea to respond to his complaints of feeling trapped with offers to go off and do his own thing because he will do exactly that and you won't be able to complain. I'd be really concerned that he claims to feel trapped. To be trapped you are in an unpleasant situation you cannot escape from.

He's been incredibly unfair to you here Op.He has not endured a pregnancy, has not given birth and this time now is not about him and his so called regrets. It's not ok to dump this on you when you are a vulnerable new mum looking after a newborn.

Ask him exactly what he hoped to gain from saying these things to you? What is HE going to do to deal with these feelings going forward?

I think he’s over thinking things.
It’s a pointless exercise comparing you before and after life.
I would try to make light of his feedback or jibe form and say tough shit.
Also don’t ask leading questions to someone struggling, give it time.

Enjoy your baby x

I think there's so much crap out there of how rosy it is having a baby and this rush of love your supposed to feel it really sets us up for disappointment!

I went through exactly what he's describing and it all came good..

I questioned why I didn't feel this or that - it didn't matter. It grows in time and also in time you learn that it doesn't really matter how you feel your still going to have to get up every day and keep going. It takes some getting used to, a feeling of loss for all the things you used to be able to do etc

I think this is an experience more people have than they let on and it should pass OP.. it's not entirely unique is what I'm saying. Xx

What did he expect?!

I can never articulate this very well, but here goes. 5 years on with 2 kids who i love and am eternally grateful... of course i prefer my pre kids lifestyle, and certainly my relationship with DH was much better. It takes some adjustment for thick people like me. I found the newborn stage physically tiring but ok, perhaps because of the post birth adrenalin.

Now im mentally exhausted by full time work, zero family or friends help, driven mad by whiny, constantly fighting, rude and ungrateful little people who dont listen 95% of the time and make me wonder why i work to support them but i cant possibly not work because i cant tolerate them 5 minutes into the weekend.

Anyway I stay up late and stare at them when asleep because it's the only time i recall some inner happiness or find them brilliant and adorable. It may or may not make up for my total lack of personal downtime to play tennis, go social drinks, or have dh pay me attention like he used to etc.

I think you will be fine, hang in there

Why if it’s a man - he’s a massive man child
If it’s a woman it’s - understandable

Justbreathing there are physiological reasons why women can suffer from depression after birth. I think there are ways he could have expressed his concerns and sought help without piling his shit on to OP who is coping with becoming a parent herself. She has clearly been left extremely upset by it.

His reaction is perfectly normally and it’s good that he is discussing. Plenty of Mums and Dads feel the same way and are amazing parents.

I think it's an entirely positive thing that he felt able to talk to you about this. You don't feel the same (which is great-for you) but I think it's important to acknowledge that many many people have similar feelings/phases. Honestly, if he is pulling his weight I don't think you should take it to heart to the extent that you seem to have. Take practical steps to spend time together both with and without baby, try and do some familiar pre-baby activities and don't take it so personally. Good luck x

Just keep communicating op.

I know that this isn't true of everybody, but I personally find the newborn stage difficult and felt some of the things your oh does. I was a mum of two when our youngest came along , yet I missed so much about our old life initially...eating with two hands , being able to sleep , being able to leave the house without feeding changing and packing.

As long as he's getting more involved as time goes on , rather than less , I wouldn't worry too much.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I think the main reasons I'm finding this hard to stomach are...

The blame on me

But we have been going about our lives like we would have before. Fancy a nice walk for an hour? Baby goes in the sling, off we go. Fancy a pub lunch? Pack up baby's bag and pram, off we go. I have booked us a weekend break for his birthday like I always would, just upgraded to somewhere that will fit a cot. I've been looking at holidays for next year for us all.

So day to day activity speaking, between us as a family, nothing has changed. We just have to factor in time to sort out little one.

Tell him that you're upset and feel blamed. Don't let that go unresolved.

I think in the morning I will have to address the blame that he has put on me. I'm not sure he knows what to do with his thoughts so is going to the nearest available blame option, which is me. Or maybe I'm over thinking that.

Although I don't know what I think I will achieve from the conversation.

Sorry posted too soon.

As for the other stuff you mention , even if you do the same activities that you did before your child was born , it's harder and everything just takes more work. And you're doing this extra work while sleep deprived. That can hit you hard , especially as a new parent. It's okay that he feels overwhelmed.

I'm surprised people are using words like "knob" and "manchild" when this is exactly how I felt as a new mother! It didn't stop me from breastfeeding, changing nappies and rocking the baby all hours of the day and night. It IS possible to be a good parent while at the same time wondering where the hell your life went

OP It's definitely not fair to blame you (and there is no excuse for that) but in regards to him saying that he's regretting the baby, I think that's quite a natural feeling and it's good that he can communicate openly with you about that.

Babies change so quickly and the older they get, the more interactive and "fun" they become. My DH is a wonderful parent to our toddler and is becoming a wonderful parent to our 1yo, but he does just find the baby stage extremely boring and relentless. I understand because I feel the same! If your DH is stepping up to the plate every day and doing his equal share of parenting (as much as he is able to), then I think you need to give him some more slack, and time.

Ask him exactly what he hoped to gain from saying these things to you? What is HE going to do to deal with these feelings going forward?

I kept asking him to be honest with me about any stresses when I was pregnant, he said he was worried our relationship would stop existing then. But it took him 4 weeks to tell me. So I think this has all stemmed from me saying, tell me when you aren't feeling right (which of course I would completely rather he did).

He is going to go to the GP to see if they think anything is going on that he needs some support with, and we both wondered if he would benefit from counselling. I'll let him go alone to say whatever he needs to say without fear.

I do feel like I need to 'put up and shut up' right now though, which isn't good for me, either. I'm learning to be a parent too, as a pp has said.

I am really grateful for everyone taking the time to reply to me, it is really helping. Thank you.

roughly how old is ypur baby?:sorry if I missed this upthtead.

5 weeks

Tell him it's OK you will just send it back.

Tell him of course life has changed. Of course your relationship has changed. He Is trapped so he probably will feel claustrophobic but you both made this decision together and the baby deserves the best parents he can have. It's a huge life change so don't make any drastic decisions in the first year but he needs to
Suck it up and get on with doing the best job he can. If he's still struggling after a year then set him free and move on. Selfish childish twat.

Having a baby, especially a first child, is absolutely life changing in ways many people can't begin to imagine before the day their child is born. I think this is especially true for fathers. I think that while your dh could have shared his feelings more sensitively, the fact he did share them is a positive thing.

I am a mother and recall walking around when my first dc was 5 weeks old looking at every single human I saw and thinking "Their parents experienced this shit!! They have had the 24/7 responsibility, inability to escape without checking in with the other parent, needing to race back from work, sleep deprivation, not being able to just sleep in or see friends whenever they wanted etc etc. This is insane! How can this be how humanity has survived? How can all these people have gone through this without losing their minds?! "

I have 2 dc, aged 9 years and 4.5 years. I didn't have pnd or anything with either dc; I actually really loved the baby stage, despite finding it insane that every parents has to go through it. But I can tell you right now that life before dc was simpler, easier, wealthier and more fun in many ways. It's just a fact: the things I most enjoy doing (reading, writing, exercising, going to see live music, galleries, travel, my job) are all harder to do with dc in my life. And it was confronting to discover how significant the impact of dc was on my capacity to do those things. I love my dc and love being a mum. I am so glad I have children, but I also acknowledge my own life was better on a day to day level in terms of freedom, work, energy and capacity to engage with life beyond my family before I had them. I suspect your dh is having similar feelings in a major, sudden, shocking way and it'll be a process for them to integrate into the new life you both now have.

I think it's great your dh has articulated his feelings now rather than bottling them up and one day, maybe a year from now, suddenly leaving or just disengaging/ saying no to dc2 without warning.

You are so so early in this journey and it's not at all unusual that one or other of you feels like you've made a mistake or is more disturbed by the huge change to your life. It sounds like your dh could have found a better time and a more tactful way of expressing these feelings but I do think the fact he's expressing them is a good sign, not a bad one, for the future of your relationship and his future as a good dad.

Is the baby a girl by any chance? Is he having gender disappointment? Not to excuse him, I think he's acting like an utter manchild

5 weeks is a really difficult time because the continuous sleep deprivation is really setting in. That said, blaming you is a bit of a dick move. It's good that he's going to the GP and that you're still doing nice things together as a family as it's easy to get stuck in the house together. Have you considered couples counselling? DH tried similar at around the 3 month mark. He had stopped doing night feeds when he went back to work and was distant from me and baby. He might cuddle her for 10 mins but that was it. He did the 'I only had a baby because you wanted one' despite us proactively trying to conceive. He basically had a bit of buyers remorse. Marriage counselling really helped because I was able to stop him whining and wallowing, and understand that i was also having big changes in my life. In some ways the it resolved itself around the 5/6 month mark as DD because a lot more interesting and receptive, and slept more at night. Shes now 11 months and although DH is a bit pants at the parenting, he's DDs favourite playmate. Baby is still very young and most mums I know have had similar issues. Just don't allow him to rewrite history forever at a time when you're vulnerable.

Sorry for the typos. I was distracted by a particularly good episode of Rar Rar.

Hi babybadge, I understand how worried you are.
I'll second what alot of pp have said and say I felt the same, but as a new mum. I wanted my old life back and didn't feel love for the first few weeks, it definitely grew though in time.
Its such a massive life changing thing and often the reality is much harder than you imagine. I think I read some where that men can suffer with post natal depression too, I'm not sure how true that is, but maybe a chat with his gp might help.
Try not to worry too much though, it's still very early days and you probably are still feeling hormonal yourself, not saying that in a patronising way, but I know myself I was analysing my own feelings massively at the beginning.
Most importantly keep talking to each other, things will get better.
Congratulations on your new baby.