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Relationships

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Original poster

Why is everything on his terms?

241 replies

KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 22:51

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 17/07/2019 15:16

OP, I think you're dealing with a covert narc which is why he is very different to the other narc you know who is likely overt.

You say he has empathy but then he openly admits he can be cruel but what stops everyone from being cruel is empathy so that makes no sense. Narcs are very good actors and I suspect the 'empathy' you see is fake.

Watch this video on 101 signs if narcissism and count how many of then ring a bell.

Also a video on covert narcissism which can be much harder to spot

groundanchochillipowder · 17/07/2019 15:49

Although I agree with Pics and Dorothy, regardless of if this guy is a covert narc (and he probably is), he's just not that into you. The 'connection' isn't there, it's a one-sided fantasy on your part.

greenwaterbottle · 17/07/2019 16:08

It really doesn't seem like an even relationship.
He rings you on Thursday.
He, suggests a perfectly reasonable date
You, say no on purpose and suggest something he has no reason to say no to.
Think about why you can't take turns in choosing date night.

motherofcats81 · 17/07/2019 18:53

There’s a voice of hope in my head that it will all turn out alright and that voice is louder than the one telling me to run a mile.
I’m just so attracted to him: physically, sexually, we have amazing conversations, the rapport, the laughter, the butterflies.
Part of me thinks that even if it ends in disaster, it will be worth it just to have experienced such an amazing connection with another human being.

Believe me, it really isn't. I've been there, I've had the "I could spend the rest of my life in a dark dungeon with you and it would be wonderful" (his words though I felt it too), everything you've described with promises of dying in each other's arms and it just made everything that came after so much worse. That was my first relationship with an emotionally abusive narcissist and 9 years and two subsequent such relationships later (as they tend to set off a cycle) I think I am just about recovered, but my trust remains so low that I will probably never be with anyone again.

For the amazing emotional and physical, sexual, intellectual connection we had? And that all proved totally hollow afterwards? No, I would do anything to have listened right at the start when I was told by a mutual friend to "take notice of the red flags you are seeing and run". For your sake, I really really hope you do.

TowelNumber42 · 17/07/2019 19:23

There’s a voice of hope in my head that it will all turn out alright and that voice is louder than the one telling me to run a mile.

Test it asap. Start putting your foot down and insisting on doing random shit your way. Keep a mentally tally of who got their way. If he is nice he will adapt and it'll be great. If he's a monster you will find out before you've invested too much in him.

lifebegins50 · 17/07/2019 20:42

Just to focus your mind..Narcs are very manipulative and focussed, if he is with you it is for a reason. Sex, money, status or contacts. Ex H is now with a woman and lovebombing her, he uses the exact same phrases he did with me (the DC overhear it). He is wealthy (wasn't when we met) but she has greater wealth. He would not be with her if that was not the case.

Anyone who has been in a narc relationship sees the pattern and they also know the damage. A narc will seek to destroy the person they are with eventually as they have to win. A normal person cant relate to it but it is the case.

Is he close to his family, particularly his mum?

TheLastCup · 17/07/2019 21:00

dorothy your post has made me a little teary as it describes my experience so closely. I’m nc now and it’s over for good now but honestly felt like having to detox from a drug. Never going back there again.

When i’d hear from him it made me so happy. So happy that I lost sight of the fact it was his weirdness that had made me sad in the first place

prawnsword · 17/07/2019 21:17

If the intimacy was real you would feel comfortable to call him at any time & not feel like you were bothering him. This person would be happy to hear from you & not ignore texts or sound put out by your call. Can tell you’re too far gone now - you now believe that the intensity means this is love, soon you will equate pain & heartbreak with love. Because if he can hurt you so deeply, it must be a profound love. This is like Amy Winehouse crying over Blake - we all know how that ended, she died heartbroken over him after she found out he was having a baby with another woman & drank her sorrows to death. Sure she felt the love was profound but at what cost ?

Love that makes you feel crazy is addictive, but also incredibly dangerous & unhealthy.

We will be here to help when he hurts you & turns his cruelty towards you. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

But nobody can earn the OP, we need to experience these toxic people in order to get burnt so we don’t go back for more.

I like others want to scream for you to stop, but we can’t. He has you hook line & sinker. I hope he doesn’t get much of your 40s. Because you won’t end up together forever unless you are willing to be that shell of a girlfriend. It’s funny how he wanted to be with someone who you describe as such a passive shell. Only once you are broken can you be reborn.

I can only hope he destroys you quickly so you can grow back even more beautiful & more resilient ASAP. All the best.

wheresthehope · 17/07/2019 21:25

He is just not into you so move on!
Anyway there are way to many nice guys out there to waste your time and headspace on this guy.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:21

So I’m thinking that, after our date on Saturday night, I will drop back on the contact. I feel ashamed to say that it tends to be me who initiates contact which he then seizes with great enthusiasm but he rarely contacts me first. To the extent that I fear that if I don’t initiate contact that the relationship will lose momentum and he may just disappear. Which I find strange as how does that fit with the narcissism? Surely if he was a narcissist and just interested in me to massage his ego then he’d need to keep my interest? And therefore contact?

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:23

When you saw him physically shaking because you were going to take someone else's advice, this was you seeing the REAL him (and I bet he was still holding back abit because the relationship is new).
Yes, I felt like he was holding back.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:24

All the 'nice' things you have seen in the beginning are an act to suck you in but i promise you it is ALL an act.
A conscious act?

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 17/07/2019 23:27

Oh FFS, OP why drop back contact after the date? Just grow a bloody spine and have some self respect and just cancel the date. There is no relationship.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:28

Nearly all abusive men are narcissistic and he may eventually become physically violent.
Wouldn’t that have manifested itself by his age (40)? He does have a bad temper and has been known to throw the odd water bottle. He’s half Italian and he tells me that all of his family are like that but it blows over 5 minutes later. And it does and he’s all smiles. I should add that I’ve never seen him direct that anger at me, it tends to be over the phone, eg, problem with his phone bill.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:32

Grumpelstilskin it’s not that easy for me. I’m very attracted to him. You’re telling me that I shouldn’t be but before I started this thread I thought that it was just annoying how my boyfriend likes to have contact on his terms. When we’re together it feels like the best relationship I have ever had. I am taking everyone’s comments on board and have been reading about narcissists. I think it’s likely that he is one. In the last couple of days I have begun to realise that he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him. He’s most likely using me as an ego boost and for sex. I think he’s emotionally closed off. I’m not ready to never see him again. Sorry.

OP posts:
MadamBatty · 17/07/2019 23:38

If you’re not ready to not see him again what are you asking for? The magic words that will change him into the person you want?

Are you somebody who says you can’t help who you fall in love with

Half Italian, pffffftt

Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:38

Narcs are very manipulative and focussed, if he is with you it is for a reason.
I think he thinks I’m very attractive as he has hinted at it in an abstract way. I’m solvent, which he’s aware of. Like him, I have a good job but I’m more ambitious than him. I’m fitter than him. Slimmer than him. I think slightly brighter than him. I think that I’m generally perceived to be a good catch, if that doesn’t sound too conceited! 😳

OP posts:
SagAloojah · 17/07/2019 23:39

OP, someone who never/rarely contacts you first is not your boyfriend.

And a big part of the reason why you're so infatuated with him is because he represents the unattainable. The more he withdraws, the more you want him.

Have you read about limerence? I don't think you're in love but you may be in a state of limerence (I've had it, it's intense and devastating).

Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:41

MadamBatty I was asking for people’s thoughts on the contact issue. I may or may not break up with him but it will be when I’m ready. I do really appreciate everyone’s advice.

OP posts:
SagAloojah · 17/07/2019 23:41

You don't sound conceited at all, it's good you know your worth. That's why we're frustrated seeing you waste time on him, you're worth much more than this. But your previous post shows you are seeing his true self, slowly.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:43

He does contact me but I feel like I’m the one driving the relationship if you see what I mean.

I have read about limerence before. It’s interesting. But I think limerence is like a mega crush. In my case I’m in an actual relationship with him and I am acutely aware of his flaws.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 17/07/2019 23:44

your previous post shows you are seeing his true self, slowly. Thanks. Yes I think I’m getting there.

OP posts:
groundanchochillipowder · 17/07/2019 23:50

I actually feel sorry for you. You come across as a bit of a desperate saddo. He's not giving you a second thought and you're over here mooning after him like a teenager and 'Oh, I can't stop seeing him'. Honestly, get a life. Or waste yours. This isn't even a relationship, it's a fantasy you have with a guy who's just shagging you.

cryer · 17/07/2019 23:55

Sorry but I have to agree with @groundanchochillipowder

There's no way he's writing threads like this or obsessing over you. He's an actual loser too.

SagAloojah · 17/07/2019 23:56

My case of limerence was in a relationship, nearly 10 years ago. He would also go quiet on me for a day or so and when I knew he was in contact with others on FB or he was online on WhatsApp, I used to on tenterhooks waiting to hear from him. He was charming, handsome, self-confident and yet would sometimes make a sly joe or comment anout me, usually passed off as a joke. I lapped it all up! I'm really reluctant to use NPD in relation to people as I don't understand the psychology of it but if I was asked who I thought could be a narcissist, it would be him.

He ended things and came back to me 3 times. The fourth time he left me was permanent and I became a shell of a person. He had literally sucked the life out of me.

All these years later I think it was limerence, not love,