Why is everything on his terms?

[KittyVolition]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

Good idea AcrossthePond55. Thanks.

To be blunt, there is no point in anyone here saying anything to you "to stay strong" because he is turbo-charming at the moment, it will be manly charm like nothing you've experienced, you will feel like he is the most amazing man in the world and no one will compare.

This is what will happen. You read it here first:

You will trot along like this for a while. You will feel sort of happy because you are dating this amazing man and when you see him its soooo good. How can he not feel it too? He'll keep being charming enough to keep you on the line and you will smugly smile to yourself that all the posters here were wrong.

At the same time, the feelings that lead you to write your opening post will niggle at you. You will suppress them because after all he is SO charming, manly and so perfect. You've never met anyone like him. You just need to give it a bit more time and he'll see how good you are together right?

It will be like this for as long as there is no narcissistic injury caused to him - but it will come. It maybe because you criticise him. It maybe because you don't criticise him but he thinks you have. It maybe because you ask for something normal (like him calling you or seeing you more often). When it comes, he will devalue you brutally and quickly.

You won't know what hit you. It will be cold and depending on how pissed off you made him in his narcissistic world it maybe very cruel.

You'll be back here posting through your tears. Wondering what you did and how to get him back.

You'll be told pretty much the same stuff you've been told already on this thread. You won't listen and you'll be googling for ways to get back a narcissist.

You'll struggle on through and just when you are about to give up hope, he will hoover you - a text maybe one line saying he misses you or he's been thinking about you. You'll seize on it like a man in the desert given a glass of water. You'll fail to realise he's sent the same text to pretty much all the women he's previously fucked over who are in his phone.

Your speedy delirious response of joy will let him know you are ripe for another turn on the narcissist merry-go-round - and are good for love and attention.

You may get a few dates of charm and then you'll be back to square one. He'll dump you again. You'll be back here again

and this will go round and round until you are a broken shell of yourself and realise you can't cope with it anymore.

AND THEN you will go no contact with him.

THE END

Why continue putting with his dominance?
Apologies if this posts twice. My previous post disappeared.
I think that I’m attracted to strong characters. I have a lot of responsibility in the other areas of my life so it’s nice to have him dominate the date ideas.

However, I don’t like the contact being all on his terms. It’s not fair.

He didn’t mention the text that he ignored last week and neither did I.

For example he knows everything about me but he doesn’t open up in the same way to me about things like past relationships

There's a site/article I think it's called 'Women who talk too much'. Relates to women who spill their guts to a man then the man knows all about them, how to reel them in and keep them at arms length alternatively.

You don't know his ex. Only what he's told you.

He's just not that into you - that's why he's not bothered to keep in regular touch via text, phone, or face to face. If he saw you as his girlfriend, just 2 months in he'd still be courting you as such. You're not his girlfriend. You're an occasional link. Unless you want that, it's a pretty poor position to be in

& just 2 months in you're so invested and yet don't seem to realise how strange that is. He's just a man not a God, you'd likely be best taking time out to focus and be honest and in tune with yourself.

Thank you DorothyParkersCat. I feel like you really care and are trying to protect me and I do appreciate that and I am listening to you.

Your post actually reminded me of a conversation that I had with him once about his less good qualities. He was quite open and said he can be cruel, selfish and verbally aggressive. Sorry if I have mentioned it already upthread. It took me by surprise that someone could be cruel and know that they’re being cruel. I wanted to ask him how he’s cruel and to please never be cruel to me but I didn’t.

He was with his ex for a long time. Presumably she bore the brunt of this cruelty, whatever it involved.

You don't know his ex. Only what he's told you. He never talks about her. Very rarely. My judgement is from having met her a few times several years ago. Just my personal opinion which could well be wrong.

just 2 months in you're so invested and yet don't seem to realise how strange that is. I see your point. I was attracted to him for a long time before anything happened so have had far too long to think about things. I have a rich and varied life. I don’t give this a huge amount of headspace. Not much more than the time it takes me to post on here.

He's just not that into you. I agree.

I’m in the process of trying to detach myself from him.

From my experience I’m thinking he’s got someone else on the side too. Sounds very casual and when he wants to. Even not wanting to text unless he’s free to talk...

That’s the bit that would be a red flag to me. Call you early next week? Like wtf why is he busy until then?

I feel like you really care and are trying to protect me

Actually you are right on both counts because I went through hell with a man like this - so I know exactly the head space you are in right now and how the chances of you ending this now are zero. It is probably too late already in a fundamental sense.

I look back now and think I wish I'd never ever met the narcissist I was dealing with because it caused me so much pain.

I'm not a drug user but I imagine how I feel is someone who once was a cocaine addict who went through rehab feels looking at someone who is just starting to use. Every of your body is screaming DON'T DO IT. I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME HOW ADDICTIVE AND SOUL DESTROYING THIS SHIT IS. I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

Call you early next week? Like wtf why is he busy until then?
My thoughts exactly. I’m left thinking why this self imposed ban on contact.
Maybe he’s actually trying to be nice and in his own way is saying, don’t worry I will call you back on X day. Maybe he had a previous girlfriend who didn’t like any spontaneity hanging in the air and she liked him to be explicit about when the next call would be.

the chances of you ending this now are zero
There’s a voice of hope in my head that it will all turn out alright and that voice is louder than the one telling me to run a mile.
I’m just so attracted to him: physically, sexually, we have amazing conversations, the rapport, the laughter, the butterflies.
Part of me thinks that even if it ends in disaster, it will be worth it just to have experienced such an amazing connection with another human being.

Hmmm sounds like my ex, turned out he was living with his ex gf only she wasn’t his ex...

Anyway from experience if he’s talking and texting at set times it’s because he’s keeping everything neat and tidy and timed so he can get away with something. That’s why he’s mildly annoyed if you text at the wrong time, because likelihood whoever he’s with is asking whose texting.

It’s exhilarating, thrilling and sexy but it does leave a rather large hole. I’ve not yet recovered emotionally from what happened to me and I don’t know if i’ll Trust again. It has damaged me. :( so I would get out if I had to advise.

I’m afraid he doesn’t care about you, nor is it likely he will ever. You’re just fun, and if you catch more feelings you’ll feel worse.

She seemed very passive but more strange than that, it was like she was disempowered and had to be told to do everything.

That's your future right there. And you're running towards it with open arms despite all the advice you've been offered.

So, Lovely, if my idea is good, do it. Send a message saying "Our relationship isn't working for me anymore and I am ending it. Please do not contact me as there is nothing to discuss. I am blocking you on all social media. I wish you the best in the future". Then block him immediately.

If you can't do that, then block him RIGHT NOW for 4 hours. Then tomorrow block him for 5 hours, then 8, then 10. Keep going until he's BLOCKED. You get the drift.

But cold turkey is best. Would you rather have your arm amputated with one cut with a razor sharp instrument or have it cut off bit by bit with a rusty ice pick? Cold turkey is the former, a 'process of trying to detach' is the latter. I know which I'd choose.

But, acrossthepond,if she likes the pain then she’d rather die by a thousand slashes rather than one axe blow.

Good luck OP. He’s well and truly caught you

You don't have a connection. You have a fantasy with a guy who isn't that into you at best. Get a grip. Or waste your time. It's yours to waste, but that's exactly what you're doing if you continue to give this man the time of day.

Part of me thinks that even if it ends in disaster, it will be worth it just to have experienced such an amazing connection with another human being.

Be careful that you don't continue the relationship on the basis that you know the real him so you won't be hurt when it ends in disaster.

At some point you will let your guard down, fall in love and when it ends it will be no less devastating then if you hadn't known the real him.

I don't think so many people should rush to 'diagnose' this man with NPD. This is just a chat thread. None of us have met him! I have a good friend who behaves in a similar way. She is always suggesting what we should do and often finds reasons not to do what I suggest. sometimes when I am tired or feeling low I feel like she is controlling me and I begin to feel very manipulated. The thing is, she is a very energetic, smart and successful person and she is used to being the initiator in most areas of her life and to be fair to her, her ideas often are the best! So, this is something it is reasonable to consider in the case of this man. People are allowed to be in charge and initiate with being narcissists.

BUT! What I find worrying is that you feel you can't say no to him. This is not healthy. This means this relationship is not good for you. You don't need to endlessly analyse him or diagnose a personality disorder, you also don't need to beat yourself up about it. If you can't say no and suggest alternatives without feeling anxious then this is not the right relationship for you at all.

Oh dear. Should have said that people are allowed to initiate more often in a relationship without being labelled narcissists.

Thing is, you don't have an amazing connection. If you had an amazing connection you could phone him whenever you wanted just to say hi, he would be thrilled to hear your voice.

You've said he is cruel, selfish, insecure, misogynist and controlling you. You feel anxious and unable to express your feelings to him. This is not a connection, not at all.

It's not happiness you feel when he calls (finally) it's relief. Because feeling like you're being ignored/a niggling feeling that he doesn't like you any more is horrible, and he knows that, which is why he's so lovely when he does get in touch. So you'll think he's wonderful again. And he can leave you hanging longer next time.
I lived with a man like him for 4 years.

I completely agree with Pics and Dorothy that this guy is a narc.

He is running a textbook script on you OP and you have already seen flashes of his mask falling.

When you saw him physically shaking because you were going to take someone else's advice, this was you seeing the REAL him (and I bet he was still holding back abit because the relationship is new).

All the 'nice' things you have seen in the beginning are an act to suck you in but i promise you it is ALL an act. You are really dating that man shaking with anger at you not doing what you are told and at the moment he is trying his hardest to keep the monster inside under his clever disguise. You will begin to see this nasty side more and more as the relationship progresses and you have already passed his initial test that he can have everything on his terms and you will stay and take it.

Another aside is that narcs universally cheat. You will be one of many OP and may not even be his primary narc supply. I can guarantee he is shagging other women when he is not texting or meeting up with you.

Also, narcs are capable of far worse than any of the things he has shown you so far. Nearly all abusive men are narcissistic and he may eventually become physically violent. They lie about everything and would think nothing of stealing from you. They are highly vindictive and often stalk or harrass for months after ending the relationship and will set out to destroy you. One of my ex narcs tried to get me fired from my job by making false allegations about me to my employer.

You are dating a con man, a monster is under all of those good looks and charm. If you could be a fly on the wall to what he gets up to when you are not together and how he really treats people you would be shocked and horrified. You are being deceived and they are master manipulators so it always feels subtle and like something is 'off' rather than overt abuse. I promise you it will turn into that soon if you stay. Your gut instinct is screaming at you that this is not right, please do not make the same mistake as myself and others on this thread by ignoring that feeling. It never ends well!

From another survivor or narc abuse, please, please get rid of this man. Block, go no contact and never look back. It will save you from near ruin in the future. These men are monsters in disguise.

There’s a voice of hope in my head that it will all turn out alright and that voice is louder than the one telling me to run a mile.
I’m just so attracted to him: physically, sexually, we have amazing conversations, the rapport, the laughter, the butterflies.
Part of me thinks that even if it ends in disaster, it will be worth it just to have experienced such an amazing connection with another human being.

Reading this thread is like watching a car crash in slow motion. I'd ask for popcorn & settle in to watch it unfold but it's just too cruel to do so.

@KittyVolition - if any of the other posters who have written about their experiences with men like this are even one tenth right, you should really be running in the opposite direction and not fantasising about it all working out.

All the best to you and hope you aren't too badly hurt by this man who does not sound like a nice man.