DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Fantastic

Wow that's a great outcome. I bet you are enoying that beer, hopefully it will numb your sore derrière.

I am glad that it went well and that the court sorted out access until the next hearing so that he cannot try chopping and changing days and bullying you for night time access.

Good, that sounds better than I expected.
He will try & write his own rules in spite of this...

Great outcome

Well done, I’m really pleased for you - and the dc

Phew, that’s great news. Very pleased for you.

He will try & write his own rules in spite of this..

Yep, already started, he has managed to get a friend to stay over tomorrow and fo has told the dc they are staying over.

I agreed that if his brother was present next week it was ok for the kids to stay over.

This friend is someone who is in and out of psychiatric units himself...

Bipolar so I suppose less "dangerous" but he was in there at the same time as H because the news of our separation "tipped him over the edge" and he tried to commit suicide...

I'll contact my lawyer tomorrow to ask her advice.

Am shattered but can't sleep thinking about all the stuff I should have said because I had longer with the judge than expected I the end.

H's lawyer kept saying this was a one off and when the judge had asked me I said ot was too because strictly speaking the psychotic episode WAS a one off and H hadn't any psychiatric problems diagnosed beforehand.

But I should have pointed out his controlling behaviour and obsessive behaviour.

I was just focused on getting the story out and not appearing to be trying to steal the kids or being a narcissist.

Hopefully the judge will see from all of his emails quite how obsessive and controlling he is, plus the arguments he put forward in the written conclusions are just plain weird.

Following and so glad of the good outcome. A focus on the psychiatric input with your soon to be ex husband needs to be focused on, within a lens of your childrens wellbeing, for court purposes. If 3rd parties are in the picture with their own pysch histories, that's probably when I personally would start throwing the toys out of the pram, as it were.
WHAT is he thinking? How could he do this to his children? They need stability, not attempted suicides, and all that goes with it.

The judge said his brother must be there for overnights, so stick with that 'letter of the law' interpretation. His brother. Not a friend, not a different relative. His brother, period.

No one can fault you for adhering to the judge's orders to the letter (I hope).

He understood 3rd party, I specifically referred to his brother next week (whi I asked to come).

I have emailed my lawyer but will put my foot down tomorrow.

I got caught out again because he told dc1 on the phone when I was in the way to bed and I didn't have the time to think about it so the boys think they are going and have got their stuff ready. Plus I have a work appointment at 9am and they are leaving at 10.30 so I might not see them to tell them.

I guess I'll have to make sure I get back before they leave or call them to warn them.

Also I had understood he had 2 weeks running from last Saturday and he has emailed to say his 2 weeks runs from tomorrow.

Of course he knows I have plans with the dc from the 19th and says he is keeping them til the 20th.

I'll see what my lawyer says tomorrow.

Gr, it never ends...

Letter of the agreement.
He's twisting it and he will continue to twist it - do NOT give in at any stage or he will take it as carte blanche to continue to twist and break the agreement.

It doesn't matter what he "understood" - it's what was SAID.
A random person with MH problems who your DC may or may not have ever met but who has no connection to them is NOT an appropriate safeguard for them.
Your BIL might not be either - do you trust him though? I assume you must or you wouldn't have agreed to him.

Interim agreement MUST be adhered to - you must NOT break it, regardless or he will use it against you forever after. I have a friend who has had this problem - her ex is a maximal cunt and he claims that he can break court orders (actual court orders, not interim ones) because SHE doesn't stick to them. She does - but one time she tried to get him to do her a favour and he's used it as a stick to beat her with ever since.

Hope your solicitor remembers exactly what was said, or that a record was kept of exactly what was said - because you'll need it, and it needs to be set in stone until September.

No, No overnight until BIL comes, tell DC it has been deemed as unsuitable by the judge.
He is deliberately doing this.

Yes. Tell them that their father has misunderstood what was said. Seriously, tell them that. Then when other things come up where he disagrees with what was said, you can say that he's misunderstood that as well, like he did with this.

Unbelievable that he deems acceptable this new co psychiatric patient as good company for his children.
Just what is he thinking? you have to assume he really is impairef

d

Ok, managed to get back in time to see the dc. I've told them the truth, that this friend was in the clinic with dad and tried to commit suicide.

They know they are coming back for 9pm.

My lawyer agrees and says we should write to the judge to ask her to be precise about who can stay over for the dc.

It will be a good opportunity to point out that H is mucking about from the very first evening.

I've also written down in the email that his 2 weeks starts from last Saturday as he had the dc both Saturday and Sunday and runs til the 17th.

Gr grrr grrr. Doing some furious cleaning and tidying this morning to work off the anger and frustration.

This is never going to end, is it?

He is an abusive controller. That is unlikely to end. His ability to control you and the DC will.

It is so hard to break the dynamic as you ( and the DC) are so used to jumping to his command. And even now you will still be trying to appease him. Knowingly or not. Plus the more he realises you are moving outwith his control the more he ramps it up.

I am evangelical about the Freedom Programme, which you can do online. Worth a look.

Thank you. I did do it online but maybe need a refresher now.

I will continue to work on being assertive, particularly as now the judge has seen me and told H that he was lucky I was letting him see the kids at all because many mothers don't.

I am less worried about being seen to obstruct his parental rights and can put my foot down.

the judge has seen me and told H that he was lucky I was letting him see the kids at all because many mothers don't.

perhaps you can remind h of this.

Great message from the judge jamais and congratulations on successfully negotiating that difficult line. Continued well done (s)

It must be so difficult when you are facing all this to see just what a good job you are making of navigating your way through the whole sorry episode.

Good grief . not even 24 hours after court he is trying to "bend" the ruling to his wants!

I bet when the judge allowed overnights with a responsible 3rd party present that he didn't mean a random person that your H met recently as a psychiatric inpatient, who is an unknown person to your DC! It shows that your H is not making decisions to ensure his children's' safety! he needs to be wary of annoying the judge!

My lawyer has approved my email and said we can also write to the judge to ask her to be precise about who can be present if the dc do overnights.

It will be an opportunity to explain his behaviour.

Jamais I have been following your story but not commented before. Given all that your OH has said and done up to now he was always going to try and push the boundaries every time to try and control events. Now that things are being dealt with by the court this will work against him as the judge will see what he is like. Meanwhile it must be exhausting to deal with him.

This sounds so awful for you OP :( you're children sound so level headed and mature. That's all because of you.

Just keep thinking the end is near and he's digging his own grave with all of his actions.