DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Keep your communication with him to the absolute minimum. Remember how much better you felt on holiday !

His haraasing is not really about the DC remember. It's about trying to control you by being in your head constantly. Maybe you can speak to lawyer re arranging weekly contact via email or whatever. Contact directly with the DC is more problematic but it doesn't have to be every day or night. It is probably in their best interests to have it more formalised, in the short term at least.

I remember feeling I had to respond/ answer the phone and the anxiety I felt if I didn't. It took a long time for me to stop feeling like that. And I can stll have my moments!

4Sspencers You might want to start your own thread.

I think, if you or your lawyer haven't already done so, you need to be specific in terms of who your kids' father thinks is appropriate as a "safeguarder" for them - it would be a strange judge indeed who agreed with him that this man was appropriate!! And yes, it would be a good idea to nail it down to your BIL and only him.

@4Sspencers are you on a PC or on the app?

Click on the active icon at the bottom to go to the main active thread. Then at the bottom left corner will be a icon called new. This will take you to the part where you can publish your own thread.

You need to start your own thread as OP is not in ghe UK. Your problems sre not the same

Hope the boys have come home on time from today's visitation

New to this thread, but have been reading

@ThumbWitchesAbroad speaks a lot of sense, how long has he even known this person?
When someone with bi-polar is on a high they are very chaotic, and on their lows, they are very very low, so how on earth is this person the right sort of person to be supervising? Has your ex only just met them?

I have a hunch he may invite his new (fellow patient) friend to stay when his brother and the boys are there.

So, in the end H's friend didnt sleep over after my email and H said he was bringing the dc back at 9.30 but I texted and reminded him it was 9pm and the dc were on the dot.

This is a friend we have known for years, he hadn't worked for at least 5 years and is heavily medicated and unstable too.

He does know the dc but how H thinks he is a sufficient guarantee (his own son had to call for an ambulance for him) is beyond me.

Luckily our friends (copied in to the emails) agreed with me too.

My lawyer is going to write to the judge to ask her to be precise about the third party who can be present (needs to be someone who can be trusted in an emergency).

Well that's one relief, that he didn't push the issue and the kids came home.

But yes - even with you and the kids knowing this person, he's still not an appropriate person for safeguarding if he's unstable too! What if they both went off on one at the same time?? Your DC would be caretaking BOTH of them!

Glad your lawyer is seeking clarification.

jamais - it's good to see your anticipatory skills developed over the years with him are now working to the good for you & your DC. It must be hard discovering the real him and yet you keep on going - moving forward. You are incredible.

Now you know what medication he is taking please check he is safe to drive whilst on it.

Isn’t it great that he is showing the judge exactly who he is, and so quickly too!

I'm so sorry for missing this, but what country is the OP in?

Maybe the friend was never going to stay, it was a ruse to get the kids overnight?
If you had let it happen the reality is that the friend went home & H had them alone which is what the judge has vetoed.
Are they partaking in alcohol while they commiserate? I doubt the medication is supposed to be mixed with wine/other

Thelowquietsea The OP in France.

if you had let it happen the reality is that the friend went home & H had them alone which is what the judge has vetoed.

Exactly my worry. Originally I told the dc to call me if the friend didnt stay because he is notoriously unreliable even at the best of times. And who knows if he was even going to be there?

For BIL I have texted my SIL and checked exact dates and times with her myself.

The annoying thing is he can't get here til next Tuesday and my yoga course starts on Monday. I will try to find someone to come and sleep here with the dc on monday night unless H does.

Otherwise it's only a 30 minute drive so I can come back so my break is not compromised.