Dating thread 164. Fortune favours the brave

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Butterfly you'd be meeting up to try to get to know better another man who you find attractive. It's just the two of you - it sounds a lot like a date to me. How would you like it if you weren't looking around but Mr Chef was casually just cooking for women he'd just met in a 1:1 situation when he found those women attractive, and with a view to perhaps replacing you if somebody better came along?

You say you're a slow burner, yet it seems to me that you're not really willing to give Mr Chef a chance on your own stated timescale and are already looking for somebody who will set you alight faster.

You do you in whatever way works for you but I think you're kidding yourself if you think that you're behaving exclusively and also meeting this attractive man to suss him out as a potential suitor.

So is exclusivity the same as been in a relationship or the intention of focusing on one person but still to decide? And am I been deceitful if I meet someone else I find attractive for an activity, not a date? (If a date came up I am aware it would against the exclusivity).

I think this is quite difficult actually @butterflyFed. You have agreed to be exclusive with MrChef, perhaps before you were really ready to agree to this and before you have dtd. Now someone has come along by chance (and let's face it, that doesn't happen very often these days!) who you are clearly attracted to and would like to see again.

It might go against the grain (but what's new!) but if I were you I think i'd meet the other guy, with the intention of just doing your hobby and then you'll have a better idea of if he's single, if he likes you in that way and if you like him in that way. THEN you might be able to make a better informed decision about what to do re: MrChef.

I wouldn't dtd with MrChef in the mean time though as I think that's unfair.

In other news, I am going on holiday at the end of the week for 2 weeks and am going to miss MrSAS like crazy. We are seeing each other tomorrow evening and possibly again the night before I go.

Do I tell him I'll miss him or will that frighten him off..?

Haven't caught up yet but yes tell him @Sunshineandflipflops You have nothing to lose

butterfly I think your problem here is that you agreed to be exclusive with mr chef too early. I would be seriously reconsidering that decision if I were you.

I have a tiny penis 😂

sunshine I think only you know that re Mr SAS it sounds more like you are in potentially non monogamous relationship rather than just FWBs as it sounds like you defo both have the feels.

butterfly I think it seems that you jumped into exclusivity with Mr Chef too early and if you still haven't dtd and you’re still interested in others he is probably not right for you!

The height thing is so frustrating. I hate the fact it feels superficial BUT I really struggle to feel attraction to men shorter than me. I am 5.9. Mr Offgrid has told me he is 5.8 and said it’s a load of bollocks that I wanted to know. I feel a right cow!

I think Butterflyfed asked for that from Mr C before dtd.

OLD can be difficult at first. Hang in there Butterflyfed. The rules on page 1 really will help you a lot.

The height thing is funny really because in an OLD situation where we effectively get to 'choose' who we meet then a lot of people (me included) are quite particular about height, because we can be I guess.

However, if we were to meet someone IRL who we found really attractive (in any of the meanings), would we let a couple of inches (of height you filthy people) put us off going on a date with them? I'm not sure most of us would.

One of my best friends spent over 10 years OLD and was very fussy (hence doing it for 10 years I guess!) then she went to something work-based and got chatting to a guy, who she is now moving in with. She admits she would have never swiped right on him on Tinder as he wasn't her 'type' on paper but she is so happy.

SimonJT the thing about the finger - really? My little finger is a whole knuckle shorter than my ring finger, but I don't think it's translated to anything anywhere else...

Had a lovely stay with Mr TDB last night. He doesn't drive due to a medical condition so I drove him into work thus saving him an hour on the bus and giving us a more leisurely start to the day.

PJ's were worn whilst watching TV and eating ice cream, for about an hour.

He said something last night that makes me think he's possibly interested in this turning into a proper relationship. I was a bit tipsy so didn't follow it up, and I think I'll let it lie for now. I really enjoy his company; I think he's funny, interesting, charming and obviously attractive. But I do feel a bit like a skittish deer at the thought of anything serious and I think he senses that and doesn't want to frighten me off. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, I don't know. All I know is that he's lovely and we have fun together, and that's enough for now.

sunshine yes you are right. I don’t know if anyone remembers my dalliance with Mr Prince George of Denver who I met on a work trip! Wow the sparks were flying and he was 5.10. I would have swiped left on Tinder if I knew his height BUT he was still a teeny bit taller than me as I was in flats 🙈

@Marlborough haha! The problem is I guess, we don't get to have that face to face contact when OLD to be able to see past the height (or whatever else you see as important).

I am attracted to a guy who I've been inappropriately attracted to for...ooh...14 years now and he is taller than me but only just. I've never even thought about it until now!

Height doesn't bother me. I know several really great men that are shorter than average. They are all married, unfortunately 😉

I'm 5"1 1/2 so height has never been an issue for me 🙈

I am unabashedly attracted to tall men. Only ever dated one, who happens to be Mr TDB, so that's working out for me quite nicely.

I think your problem here is that you agreed to be exclusive with mr chef too early

I'd agree with this, I mean what if Mr Chef only has a paring knife instead of a cleaver? Or if he spends all night polishing it and won't use it for what it's meant for? Or what if it won't take an edge and can't do it's job?

You really need to know such things before committing to eating at only one restaurant

@butterflyFed you can't "be exclusive" with MrChef and at the same time "get to know this other bloke while practicing the activity (wtf?) and seeing how things develop with MrChef". As @Savoretti said a lot of us are here because of infidelity and general cheating arse-hole-ness. I wish you luck. I think if things go tits up with both men perhaps don't come running back here, I think you probably know exactly what you're doing?

I don't agree with @Nurs123Bubbles and think that's actually quite harsh. We aren't here to judge anyone else or for them to do as we all say.

Surely this thread is for support and advice, nothing more. @butterflyFed hasn't cheated on anyone and it's very early days with Mr Chef.

Thank you all for your input. My own marriage ended when my XH had an affair with my best friend while I was pregnant, so I am not oblivious to the effects and I am a loyal partner. However I was unsure about my current situation since I am not planning a date with Mr eyes and I consider MrChef a potential partner but not one yet

I think that you assessed the situation brilliantly and I am not ready to be exclusive (I would be ok with him dating someone else too). But as I said, I was not dating other people nor I had plans until I got to know MrChef enough to decide, so it was a misconception on my part. I am ok with not meeting MrEyes for now, but hopefully 4-5 more dates with MrChef will shine more light about LTR possibilities.

@StarryUnicorn you made me spit my coffee with the pairing knife and cleaver comparison. It is hard to find a good pairing knife! And I love a good santoku myself :) Second (to mattress) treat I got after divorce (without analogies, real knife and mixer )

About height, I just remembered this article: "Why short men make better husband's". My XH was a cheat at 5'4" so there are obviously more factors but don't reject just based on height! ;) www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29464446

And I know this is a very simplistic view, but gone through so many disappointments that I can now chose love over lust (I want to think), and I try to give more weight to people choices (exercise, volunteering, personality traits) and try to ignore what they were given (genes, education, etc). The hot ones are eye candy for boring office hours.

Well Mr Eagle and I had a weekend away together and it was bloody brilliant

Gorgeous AirBnB, sea view, ice cream, walks, a pint in the sunshine, lovely dinner, lots of wine, passion galore and loads of talking - some daft and some serious. He's in it for the long haul and I feel like I've won the lottery.

@Nurs123Bubbles are you a lurker who just came on to be rude to @butterflyfed ?

This is a supportive thread and I consider this random group of anonymous internet strangers as my dating 'friends'. If butterfly makes a mistake of course she is welcome back.

Fwiw I wouldn't date someone else if I was exclusive but perhaps Mr Chef asked too soon? In my case I dtd with someone and while drunk panicked he was dating other women and told him I wanted to be boyfriend / girlfriend after the third or fourth date. He agreed. Two months later things are great and we are in the process of meeting friends etc but looking back I could understand if he had felt pressured to be exclusive too soon.

Yay sidge

Hello! Can I join in please? I've lined up my first date for Wednesday night following a truly monstrous break-up with the father of my two preschoolers. It's been about a year since that relationship died a dramatic death but as these things go with kids it's taken most of that time to unpick the practicalities, but here I am wishing I had places to go and people to see on the nights I don't have my children, so... dating!

I'm worrying though that I haven't really thought this through... I'm not up for anything at all beyond super casual, so I'm sort of worried I might actually get on with someone I go on a date with. Will I be able to call it off? On what grounds?? Best case scenario I guess is that I have a nice time with someone but that for whatever reason they don't want to do it again more than a few times. Am I overthinking things??

Welcome cranky. You are definitely over thinking. Be up front about what you are looking for

Accidentally hit send

Lots of people are looking for casual relationships as FWB