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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do about DH

136 replies

ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 13:53

Basically i've been married less than a year. I do everything in the house, cook, clean, iron, tend to the pets. To the point he won't even get up to get the remote, he asks me.

He is stubborn beyond belief and would rather sit and watch nothing, order food etc than actually get up and do something about it. I therefore give in and do it.

We have had countless conversations about this and he always promises to change but doesn't. He was like this before i married him but i didn't really notice, he always said "you'd rather i was out of the way" because i can do household things 100 times quicker than him which is true (too much practise).

Now he loves me a lot and I know this, he talks so highly of me to everyone, sends me lovely messages, always says how he is the luckiest man alive etc. We laugh so much together when we are out and about or just chilling.

I'm having doubts about our future and how he will cope if we have kids and buy a bigger house than the one we own now (something that wont be long away).

The spark has also gone, i don't really wanna kiss him or anything because he frustrates me. I still love him, i just don't know if this is a rough patch or if it's doomed.

Any opinions would be good, don't hold back if i'm in the wrong i want to fix it!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/07/2019 13:58

Why did you marry such a useless manchild? Stop doing everything and see if he steps up. He sounds like a waste of space

ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 14:03

I married him because i love him, rightly or wrongly that's happened now!

I could try not doing his washing, he can't ignore that! Maybe he needs a physical shock not just another conversation.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/07/2019 14:10

Don't even think about having kids with him. You already have an adult sized toddler on your hands.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/07/2019 14:12

always says how he is the luckiest man alive etc.
Well of course he is.
He has you as a live in maid.
I'd love one.
Can you come and live with me?

I've no idea why women marry men like this.
You can't change them.
They think little of you to have you running around doing everything.
It shows a total lack of respect for you.

That is why you have lost the spark.
You let him get away with this.
You enable it.
Stop it.

Either a quick sharp shock for him.
This means doing nothing for him.
Not cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, tidying.
No getting is breakfast or a cup of tea.
Just leave him to his own devices and see what happens.
If he's made a mess, then put it on his side of the bed.

But honestly...? What's the point?
He has shown you who he is and what he thinks of you.
I'd be out of there.
What is the living situation?

Tartypants · 08/07/2019 14:13

If you've not read it, Wifework by Susan Maushart may help. i don't know if just stopping doing the stuff would work - it'll probably just build up if he's waiting for you to do it. You say you've talked to him and he agrees to do it but then doesn't. Basically he's asking himself, do I want to do this? And answering himself, no I don't, as you would. So he doesn't. And he won't, as long as he can get away with it.
I think you have to make it clear to him this is important enough that you will leave him over it (if you would). If he doesn't, is he worth it? Only you know that. If you do go though, many of them are like this. It's worth working out what your boundaries are around housework and how to insist on them, either in this relationship or another one. I'm assuming your both working, if it's only one of you and you've no DC, personally I think its not unreasonable for the one that isn't to do the domestics.

FuriousVexation · 08/07/2019 14:13

Why on earth are you doing his laundry?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 14:15

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You write that the spark has also gone.

I would actually look into planning your exit from this relationship because you are on a hiding to nothing with your husband who says much but does so very little. This will be your life with him going forward as well.

Do not bring children into this, it’s not fair on them.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2019 14:16

If you think you're unhappy now, have a child with this twat. Then you'll really know what misery is. This marriage is already over imo.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/07/2019 14:18

Get him to read THIS ARTICLE

And a PP said - read 'Wife work'

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 14:19

Now he loves me a lot and I know this, he talks so highly of me to everyone, sends me lovely messages, always says how he is the luckiest man alive

Yes, of course he tells people that because he IS very lucky because you're stupid enough to wait on him hand and foot! Not content with you doing all the housework, he gets you to pass him the fucking remote!

Someone who loves you shares the load. He's a lazy fucker.

don't hold back if i'm in the wrong

Yes you're wrong in wasting your life with a lazy fucker. You were wrong to marry him when you KNEW he was like this but for some reason you didn't find it a problem then. You've had many conversations about it but he's not changed.

Sorry, but this is ultimatum time. He starts pulling his weight or you leave. End of, no discussion. And you do it if he doesn't. And you don't then go back a few weeks later when he says "I'll change". Because he won't. He knows you're a soft touch.

I think this is dead in the water.

pallasathena · 08/07/2019 14:19

It's hard because you love them and one way of expressing that love is to do all that you can to make them comfortable, happy, contented...and then it backfires spectacularly because what for you was an expression of your love for him; for him is his entitlement to the all encompassing unspoken law of the female doing all the Wifework.
I'd book a week away on my own and leave him to it.

CarryOnUpTheNile · 08/07/2019 14:20

Definitely do not have children with this man.

Sunfull · 08/07/2019 14:22

Agreed he is the luckiest fucker alive because he has a mummy and a wife all rolled into one. (aside from the fact it's creepy AF to treat you like his mummy and also have sex with you - when you do).

If it were me I'd be saying that to him and probably asking him why he wants to be married to a mother figure? I'd also stop doing any cooking, ironing or laundry etc for him.

avalanching · 08/07/2019 14:23

He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. You don't treat people you love and respect the way he is treating you. Actions speak louder than words. If you stay with him and have children your life will be a misery and your children will grow up with a horrendous role model. Please, please walk away, it won't get better.

Butterflyone1 · 08/07/2019 14:23

You've allowed this to happen to you so now's the time to take back control.

You should officially be on strict. Do nothing for him. No cooking, cleaning, washing and see how he's World crumbles.

Do you work? If so why are house hold duties not 50/50?

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 14:24

It's hard because you love them

Can someone explain to me why someone loves someone who treats them like a slave? And who doesn't give a shit about them?

ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 14:28

I agree with everything you've all wrote i'm disappointed in myself for making this awful rod for my own back.

We both work full time and i earn substantially more and am in charge of the finances, financially we have debt (well it was his from before the wedding) but not a lot and my financial plan is paying it off nicely and in year or so it will be gone and we can upgrade to a better house. (well that was the plan a bit more tbc atm) Im also the driver!

In every other aspect of my life i'm sensible and make good choices. Apparently not this one!

I thought it was the stress of wedding planning which in hindsight i did entirely.

I think i'm going to sit him down tomorrow when he is home, explain that things are changing or im leaving (maybe temporarily, that depends). Also gross i'd never thought about it like that but it is like having a teenager, i'm not being his mum and his wife.

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 08/07/2019 14:30

Could you try doing a chores chart? Giving him sole responsibility for certain things and see how that goes? 🤷‍♀️

hellsbellsmelons · 08/07/2019 14:30

Wowzer.
This fucker gets luckier and luckier.
Why are you the driver?
Why isn't he taking driving lessons?
You are also paying off his debts.
You really did sleep walk into this.
And by god, he saw you coming.

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 14:31

financially we have debt (well it was his from before the wedding)

Another reason he "loves" you.

Glad the scales are falling from your eyes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 14:38

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What made you choose and go onto marry such a man?.

He was never yours to rescue and or save nor should he have ever been your project to improve.

Sexnotgender · 08/07/2019 14:39

You do all the chores
You’re paying off his debt
You run around after him

No wonder he tells everyone how lucky he is.

He doesn’t love you, he loves what you do for him.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/07/2019 14:40

Paying off his debt too? Wow. No wonder he says he's lucky. A live in maid, cook, chauffeur and debt payer. Lucky indeed.

You, not so much.

ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 14:43

I honestly feel stupid. I had doubts before the wedding and tried to speak to people about it, but they kept saying oh everyone gets like that, wedding planning is stressful.

Driving - he can't really afford to learn on his wage and i don't really want to pay for him.

Debts - Im helping pay off his debts because we are in it together and i want us both to be in a good position if we have kids.

Kids - There is no way i'd have kids with him if he doesn't change, that is not a role model i want!

OP posts:
ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 14:45

My dad is amazing he does loads round the house and so does my mum. So I dont know why i picked the opposite

OP posts: