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Original poster

What to do about DH

136 replies

ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 13:53

Basically i've been married less than a year. I do everything in the house, cook, clean, iron, tend to the pets. To the point he won't even get up to get the remote, he asks me.

He is stubborn beyond belief and would rather sit and watch nothing, order food etc than actually get up and do something about it. I therefore give in and do it.

We have had countless conversations about this and he always promises to change but doesn't. He was like this before i married him but i didn't really notice, he always said "you'd rather i was out of the way" because i can do household things 100 times quicker than him which is true (too much practise).

Now he loves me a lot and I know this, he talks so highly of me to everyone, sends me lovely messages, always says how he is the luckiest man alive etc. We laugh so much together when we are out and about or just chilling.

I'm having doubts about our future and how he will cope if we have kids and buy a bigger house than the one we own now (something that wont be long away).

The spark has also gone, i don't really wanna kiss him or anything because he frustrates me. I still love him, i just don't know if this is a rough patch or if it's doomed.

Any opinions would be good, don't hold back if i'm in the wrong i want to fix it!

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 09/07/2019 08:58

He's lazy, not sexually attractive to you and a financial disaster zone

And the spark has gone.

I wouldn’t waste time sitting him down to see if he will do anything and dragging this out for so much longer.

Once the spark has gone its gone.

Even if he became super man and cleaned and edited on you hand did foot that spark won’t return and his presence will just end up annoying you.

Bananalanacake · 09/07/2019 08:59

I hope the debts aren't in the thousands and he's expecting you to pay it all without any input from him.

MichelleC69 · 09/07/2019 09:04

My first husband was like this. His mother bright him up like a little prince with the belief that women should do everything around the house. I tried to change him but it didn't work. I eventually divorced him. Save yourself a world of pain and give him a specified time period to change, and if he doesn't, leave him. I wasted years on the twat that I was married to, please don't make the same mistake.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/07/2019 09:07

Go and talk to your parents. Tell them you had doubts before the wedding but were too embarrassed and now you know you have made a mistake.

Once you have seen it you cannot unsee it and seeing your life partner as a child, a slob, a pretty useless adjunct to your life is not nconducive to a good relationship. You have choices... make a good one, one that is best for you.

Good luck

Babdoc · 09/07/2019 09:19

Please read AttilatheMeerkat’s most recent post about people pleasing (and all her previous, she’s spot on), and then go and get some counselling. Otherwise, once you have divorced this crap man, you risk going straight out and finding a similar one to replace him.
It can be very heady, thinking you are some failed man’s saviour, sorting his debts, doing his chores, fixing his life - but the reality is you are being a total mug and the man will never improve. Why should he bother, with you to do it all for him?
Please leave. Permanently.
No ultimatums, no begging him to change, because he won’t. Or he’ll make a token effort until he’s lured you back, then it’ll be business as usual.
Get yourself out, get counselling, get some self esteem. And don’t look back. Good luck.

DonPablo · 09/07/2019 09:36

Gosh, do not let the fear of letting other people down tie you into a lifetime of this shit.

MichelleC69 · 09/07/2019 09:42

Also just to add, I was worried about what my parents would think when we split, even though I was 40 at the time! Apparently my dad did a dance around the kitchen when he found out as he'd always hated my husband but didn't want to say so for fear of upsetting! I'm sure your parents will be supportive, they will just want you to be happy.

missyjudy · 09/07/2019 10:21

Why don’t you move into an Airbnb for a couple of months and leave him to fend for himself. Don’t call things off at the moment but get some space. It will give you an insight into if he’ll fend for himself without you around and having to turn his own TV over might jog him into action. While you’re gone don’t keep going back in and doing housework though. Do zero. Just wait and watch. Look at it like a short term experiment. That way you are hedging your bets. If he pulls his socks up then you can go back if you want with minimum financial disruption.

Herocomplex · 09/07/2019 13:36

Moving out of the marital home isn’t such a great idea.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/07/2019 14:36

Look at his parents.

Does his dad sit around doing nothing? Does his mum dance attendance on 'her boys'? Was your DH brought up to think that the housework fairy LOVES her job and can't think of anything better than expressing her love by doing everything in the house?

If so, you're on a hiding to nothing. If not - what the hell does he think makes HIM so special that you'd be on your knees doing everything while he lords it over you?

newbiemummy10 · 09/07/2019 15:55

First time poster here but had to comment. My first marriage was exactly how you described. We had conversation after conversation and nothing changed. Everyone on the outside thought i was the luckiest girl in the world because he said he adored me to everyone, wrote poems etc but he did nothing around our home, had no get up and go it was like i was talking to a brick wall 90% of the time. I stupidly thought that once married things would change but they didn't.
After 6 months of marriage we ended up in separate bedrooms i just didn't have any feelings for him what so ever this carried on for a year until i said i wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay and said he would change but it was too late. Everyone on the outside thought we had a perfect relationship and were shocked we were divorcing after only 18 months.
I've now been with my current DP for nearly 4 years, we have a house and a baby on the way and i couldn't be happier. Trust me you need to have someone who wants to be in the team with you not leaving everything to you because your the "wife".

Windmillwhirl · 09/07/2019 16:03

It's very easy to say someone is amazing (when they are doing everything for you). They are only words, after all.

It takes effort to show it and he clearly can't be bothered.

Original poster
ImNotSureAnymore123 · 09/07/2019 16:49

@newbiemummy10 that sounds scarily similar glad you're happy now and congrats on the baby!!

I sat him down and explained that i didn't want to have kids with someone who was still acting like one and he read the article someone on here provided and he cried (i've never seen him cry before).

He genuinely was very upset and i overheard him on the phone to his parents saying he needed to sort his life out and also asking how to work the oven Shock. He cooked me dinner and cleaned up after.

I told him that he needs to be consistent and if i see him slipping back then im done.

He was very honest and said that he never did any of it because i did it all and he knew all he had to do was ignore it or ask me. He said he knew it annoyed me but because he doesn't care about mess (complete chaos) he saw it as smaller than it was and the article opened his eyes.

I told him i have to see it to believe it and if i don't then it's over. I also told him i don't want to move or have kids anytime soon until he can prove he will put more effort in!

OP posts:
Original poster
ImNotSureAnymore123 · 09/07/2019 16:51

@Zaphodsotherhead his parents both do a lot of house work, DIY and gardening the house and garden is perfection.

He did chores as a kid and his parents were quite strict with him, maybe he went the opposite way!

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 09/07/2019 16:57

I’m so glad you had a conversation with him, that’s a great start. Hope it works out! I’d carefully think about how you’re going to communicate with each other in the future.

Original poster
ImNotSureAnymore123 · 09/07/2019 17:03

@Herocomplex thanks i think the previous conversations didn't work because he didn't realise that for me this is a deal breaker and he got a big shock.

I'm not going to end my marriage without giving it a fair shot, but i'm also not going to stay in it giving him a million chances. It's now or never (before we buy a house together and have kids in a few years), I just hope he keeps it up!

OP posts:
PickAChew · 09/07/2019 17:09

I'd ask if you'd married my ex but his second wife hasn't done divorcing him, yet.

Seriously do not contemplate having kids with this man. He'll make your life hell in ways you couldn't even imagine, right now. The fact that you're completely turned off by him is a good thing!

user1498572889 · 09/07/2019 17:12

Tell him you know what he is doing and it has to stop you have been through it once and you are not going through it again. Remind him that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If he doesn’t stop tell him to fuck off. You are worth more than this shit.

Herocomplex · 09/07/2019 17:13

I’d come back and read this thread from time to time, there’s so many people with hard-earned knowledge of what you’re going through. 💐

user1498572889 · 09/07/2019 17:14

Sorry cross post.

newbiemummy10 · 09/07/2019 17:35

@ImNotSureAnymore123 I think what your doing is great you have to give him a chance to change make sure he knows that your serious about leaving maybe sit down together come up with some small baby steps like him cooking a couple of nights a week or taking over a job or 2 and go from there if you can really see he's willing try then you can try and save your marriage. Try and arrange date nights together and get some of the spark back. If none of that works and you still feel the same at least you know you did everything you can.

MitziK · 09/07/2019 18:01

Crying? Really? Because his new Mummy/Bank Manager/Cook/Cleaner/Nursemaid is cross with pawr ickle him?

Ewwwww.

Original poster
ImNotSureAnymore123 · 09/07/2019 18:16

@MitziK so he's not allowed to cry when his wife threatens to leave him? Christ when on earth are the men allowed to cry in your world!

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 09/07/2019 19:04

Good start. I think if he's being honest with others (his parents) about it and asking them (not you - good!) for guidance on how to do some of the chores, it's promising.

Obviously time will tell...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/07/2019 19:28

He was very honest and said that he never did any of it because i did it all and he knew all he had to do was ignore it or ask me. He said he knew it annoyed me but because he doesn't care about me

Edited that for you, because that's exactly what he means - he happily chose to let you run around looking after him despite knowing it annoyed you. He'll be on good behaviour - for now. Also stop paying his debts for him, if he kicks off you know he hasn't truly changed how he views you (not that I believe piss takers can change)

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