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Original poster

What to do about DH

136 replies

ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 13:53

Basically i've been married less than a year. I do everything in the house, cook, clean, iron, tend to the pets. To the point he won't even get up to get the remote, he asks me.

He is stubborn beyond belief and would rather sit and watch nothing, order food etc than actually get up and do something about it. I therefore give in and do it.

We have had countless conversations about this and he always promises to change but doesn't. He was like this before i married him but i didn't really notice, he always said "you'd rather i was out of the way" because i can do household things 100 times quicker than him which is true (too much practise).

Now he loves me a lot and I know this, he talks so highly of me to everyone, sends me lovely messages, always says how he is the luckiest man alive etc. We laugh so much together when we are out and about or just chilling.

I'm having doubts about our future and how he will cope if we have kids and buy a bigger house than the one we own now (something that wont be long away).

The spark has also gone, i don't really wanna kiss him or anything because he frustrates me. I still love him, i just don't know if this is a rough patch or if it's doomed.

Any opinions would be good, don't hold back if i'm in the wrong i want to fix it!

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 09/07/2019 19:36

He's not crying because his wife is threatening to leave him. He's crying for himself. Because he's about to lose his housekeeper, cook, atm and sex all in one fell swoop. What do you get from this selfish disrespectful loser? He's treating you worse than he would a housemate in a house share. Do not have babies with him. This will only get more miserable.

Teaandcrisps · 09/07/2019 19:46

Its great that you are going to invest in your marriage. However, remember that he brought you to the point of leaving him until he decided to make a change. He cant work the oven - what has he been doing? So for the next few weeks stop everything - stop washing his clothes, cleaning up after him, making dinner, picking up his towels. Then make a decision.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/07/2019 19:47

@ImNotSureAnymore123 Just remember to keep your eyes open for him not bothering once you relax. The test ofhis sincerity is not in the next few days, weeks or even months.

Do you have an online calendar? Make yourself an appointment in 6 months time, add a link to this thread. See what you think then.. and again 6 months later....

I hope he does change. But be prepared for all eventualities.

Afteryoux · 09/07/2019 19:50

I give him two days.

AnotherEmma · 09/07/2019 19:55

So...
He does no housework
He earns less than you
He had debts when you married him and you've made the plan to pay them off
He can't even drive

He sounds a right catch Hmm

I'm sure he has/had his good points and none of the issues seemed like a big deal when you first met, but you've buried your head in the sand a bit - as a relationship progresses (to marriage!) you really do have to ask yourself if someone is good father material.

He, resoundingly, is not. And I'm very doubtful that he will change. I was pleasantly surprised by your latest update - but I'm still sceptical. See how long he can keep it up for.

billy1966 · 09/07/2019 20:29

@AnotherEmma sayes.

He just sounds like such an absolute and complete waster.

He's crying is he...not for you I bet....for his meal ticket that he sees might be floating away from him.

You sound like a woman who has her head screwed on but has made a mistake.

Move on. Don't let this mistake define your WHOLE life. 'Cos it will if you have children with him.

You ignored your gut when it told you not to marry him.

When will you listen to your gut.

If I was your Mother I would want you out of that relationship, yesterday.

Graphista · 09/07/2019 20:31

How old are you both? Has he ever lived alone? The chores he had to do at home what were they?

MAYBE he can change if he's quite young but be aware there is a high chance of him reverting as soon as you're pregnant!

If he's genuinely sorry for his behaviour that's one thing, but I would also be concerned that he's actually feeling sorry for himself and seeing his maid services disappear!

He knew it "annoyed" you but he DIDN'T CARE that it did enough to change without prompting.

Given how he was raised too I suspect he's also afraid of his own parents reaction if you leave him for being a lazy arse! They don't sound the types to think that is at all acceptable behaviour from him - which goes back to my point earlier that a lazy person will ALWAYS be a lazy person at heart.

I give it a week until he either slips back to bad habits or kicks off that you're "expecting too much" from him.

If we're right DO NOT give him chance after chance.

If HE is serious about change HE will sit and think about all that needs done in your home and work WITH you to agree a fair division of labour.

My ex and I attended relationship counselling after we went through a mc and weren't communicating well. The counsellor said we were a little unusual as the top 3 reasons couples went for therapy were:

1 infidelity
2 money issues
3 unfair division of labour

We had experienced issues with 2 & 3 when we were first married as ex was army and had never lived alone or managed his finances really himself so we had some teething problems there, but they were soon resolved with honest discussion and nowhere near as extreme as this!

But that's because whatever else I might say of my ex (and there's a lot!) the one thing he isn't is lazy! I couldn't be with someone who was.

He could be thoughtless and chaotic, disorganised but not lazy.

I've seen friends and family in relationships with lazy people (men and women - this thread at times has veered towards an idea that women are never lazy) and it's a character flaw that in my opinion is pretty impossible to change.

Surfingtheweb · 09/07/2019 20:40

Can you just tell him he needs to pull his weight & being lazy is unattractive & say you'd like to give him a list of jobs for him to do regularly?

Graphista · 09/07/2019 20:46

Op telling him what needs done and "disciplining" him is still her being in the role of parent to a child.

He needs to become an adult!

Adults don't need telling what needs done, or "disciplined" to manage their behaviour in a personal way like that

AnyFucker · 09/07/2019 20:48

48 hours max

LemonTT · 09/07/2019 21:22

there was no surprise he knew exactly what he was doing. Of course he did. And he knows that he can revert in a few weeks. And he knows he can keep you sweet with talk of a baby. And he knows you will give him chances. And he knows he can cry or claim depression. And he knows he can turn it on you.

He has done this before in all aspects of his life. It is his life choice, to be the slacker.

wildcherries · 09/07/2019 23:02

Hope you get the result you want. I'd be wary, and I would hold off on paying more of his debt, as I said earlier. His reaction to that will tell you a lot.

And honestly, he knows something annoys you but still doesn't do anything about it? It's not a great trait.

Namenic · 10/07/2019 03:13

@Graphista - I think DH has learnt to work hard over time. He’s had the capacity to work hard but was very selective when younger about what he put the effort into. Some stuff he finds hard to put effort into and I’m the same (fortunately they tend to be complementary things so we do manage to run the household!). I’ve learnt to appreciate the things he does for the family (eg admin, bills, tidying). I do more kids stuff (night time waking, taking them out, cooking).

Afteryoux · 10/07/2019 06:14

I can’t see that he is going to change the habits of a lifetime based on an article. He hasn’t suddenly seen the light.

If he is so lazy he refuses to put the television on if you don’t give him the remote, he is not suddenly going to be cooking and cleaning the whole house.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/07/2019 06:26

The thing is you have now swapped the role of doing everything to doing your share and monitoring him to make sure he is doing his share

You have just swapped one job/mental load for another

How long can either of you keep this up for

category12 · 10/07/2019 06:32

If he can sustain it, then great, but I'm a bit Hmm about him not knowing how to use a cooker. I reckon it's possible the phone call to his parents was something he did knowing you were listening, so everything he said to convince you. If he is that deceptive, you're really onto a loser.

Feigned incompetence is not attractive.

If he sustains a change, you'll be unusually fortunate. Chances are high, you'll be repeating this cycle.

Happynow001 · 10/07/2019 06:52

I reckon it's possible the phone call to his parents was something he did knowing you were listening, so everything he said to convince you.
I confess I also thought the same thing...

I hope you are employing a degree of scepticism OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2019 08:58

I'm glad you tackled it and I really hope he does step up and do what he should from now on.
Well done OP.

LazyLizzy · 10/07/2019 12:59

What was his excuse for not being able to pick up the remote control?

Allornothingnow · 10/07/2019 13:10

Ask him tonight to pass you the remote.

SavingSpaces2019 · 10/07/2019 14:53

He was like this before i married him but i didn't really notice
You DID notice - stop lying to yourself and us!
You just thought, like a lot of women do, that you could change him.
You think your 'love' and the promise of a rosy future together will change him.
It won't. Arseholes are not programmed for genuine change like that.

He picked his victim carefully - and the fact that you are thinking about having children with this waste of space when he hasn't acknowledged the problem or even tried resolving it himself, shows me he picked the 'right' victim.

Jeez, he's even got you paying off HIS debts - on top of being his skivvy and sex-provider!

Personally, i would never lower myself to marry a man-child like this.
If i was ever foolish enough to find myself in this position- the only solution would be to end things and let him mature in his own time and place......whilst i use my energy on things and people that really matter.

Rosielily · 10/07/2019 18:02

Have you told him you won't pay any more of his debt? If so what was his response? Perhaps his parents can take it on for him!!

UAEMum · 10/07/2019 18:15

My advice is to strike while the iron is hot. He will need structure. I think you should divide the chores so it is very easy for him to know what is expected of him. Split cooking in the week 50:50 and if he cant do it one day then he has to swap with you. Maybe do it together on weekends. All the other crap jobs divide them.

PaterPower · 10/07/2019 18:20

My DSS is with the laziest woman I’ve ever met. He’s not great either, tbh, but looks like a paragon compared to her.

Luckily for her she’s “accidentally” become pregnant (and yes, it’s his responsibility too) and I sincerely worry for the poor little beggar’s quality of life as I really don’t see her changing. Ever.

Good luck with your husband, but I share the scepticism of most of the PPs that this will be a long term change on his part. You deserve so much more (anyone would).

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2019 20:13

I really really hope he steps up for you, OP.

But I really do worry about an adult man who has to ask his PARENTS how to work the oven.... has he honestly never used an oven before? Or Google?

That's what makes me suspicious.