What to do about DH

[ImNotSureAnymore123]

Basically i've been married less than a year. I do everything in the house, cook, clean, iron, tend to the pets. To the point he won't even get up to get the remote, he asks me.

He is stubborn beyond belief and would rather sit and watch nothing, order food etc than actually get up and do something about it. I therefore give in and do it.

We have had countless conversations about this and he always promises to change but doesn't. He was like this before i married him but i didn't really notice, he always said "you'd rather i was out of the way" because i can do household things 100 times quicker than him which is true (too much practise).

Now he loves me a lot and I know this, he talks so highly of me to everyone, sends me lovely messages, always says how he is the luckiest man alive etc. We laugh so much together when we are out and about or just chilling.

I'm having doubts about our future and how he will cope if we have kids and buy a bigger house than the one we own now (something that wont be long away).

The spark has also gone, i don't really wanna kiss him or anything because he frustrates me. I still love him, i just don't know if this is a rough patch or if it's doomed.

Any opinions would be good, don't hold back if i'm in the wrong i want to fix it!

@SavingSpaces2019

Harsh but spot on.

OP deserves so much better... hopefully she'll realise that before it's too late.

To make things fair, he should be doing absolutely everything for at least a year. You sit on your arse, go to the gym, etc. Do not touch the laundry, the meals, the bills. All him.

Or is your idea of him bucking up him doing 2% instead of 0%? The odd meal, washing his own clothes sometimes, putting the bins out?

@SavingSpaces2019 i'm not lying to anyone, yes he is lazy and i also allowed it to happen but he's not the actual devil. I honestly believe he is changing, there were things I did at the start of our relationship which he asked me to work on (very reasonable request don't take that the wrong way) and I have, people are capable of it.

He off his own back wrote a list of all the chores and we spoke about which ones we preferred and split them. He also wants to de-clutter (as do I) as he/we think the amount of extra "stuff" we have makes the daily tidying and cleaning more time consuming.

He isn't using a baby as some weird leverage he suggested that we wait in regards to moving and babies until everything is ironed out and there's no more doubts.

I still stand by the fact that if he slips back it is game over for me.

Thanks everyone the advice here has been amazing and I will be coming back if anything else happens to re-read it.

@TowelNumber42 thats ridiculous i want things to be 50/50 going forwards. We draw a line split the chores and move on!

ImNotSureAnymore123 if it was that simple it wouldn’t have got to this stage.

There is a fundamental flaw. He watched as you knocked yourself out waiting on him hand and foot and has quickly made a list and divided the chores only when it came to him thinking he was going to lose you.

Very calculating.

I am a lot older and seen a lot more of people’s relationships and it has made me very cynical because I see the same shit with the same outcomes over and over.

One discussion and a quick list and it is done and everything is fine again.

I don’t think so.

I give it a few weeks and one thing will have been stopped or been done so badly you will have taken over. Then another and another until this time next year you will be doing it all again

It is not ridiculous. He owes you, he needs to learn how to be responsible, you need to learn how to sit on your hands. An extreme situation needs an extreme reset.

You both reset: he sees how much there is to do, you see that he is capable, you get over whatever thing drove you to play 1950s housewife. Then you can start thinking about 50:50.

How could he even draw up a 50:50 schedule now? He has no clue of what has to be done and how much of a pita each job is. You'd end up doing the schedule and lists, teenager's mum style. Bad start.

Well he'll either see the error of his ways and suddenly throw himself into chores and happily shoulder his share of the life work burden. Or he'll be thinking 'I'll do a little and then slowly sink back into my extremely cushy life and just do the bare minimum to string her along and maintain my lifestyle.' Which do you think is genuinely more likely?

And if you're worried about what people will think if you leave him, they won't. They're thinking about what to eat for lunch or does their bum look big in this? They'll spare you 5 seconds, beyond hopefully hoping that you'll be happier without him.

His default position is putting himself first and you last.

That is what he will revert to in time, might be weeks, might be years, but it will probably happen when you have less choice than you have now.

You did not allow his laziness to happen, you are not in charge of him.

I want to step away (far away) from any parent like role so i'm not going to punish him and ask him to do everything and me do nothing that is literally the same problem but the other way round,

He knows the chores that need doing he isn't stupid, just lazy. He did loads of chores as a kid.

I never was a house wife i work 45-50 hours a week, I always lived alone before and obviously was used to doing everything, sort of ended up doing it all but for 2 of us. Calling someone a 1950's housewife is very insulting, we've come a long way since then.

I've been in other long term relationships, my ex girlfriend would stay with me a lot and she would just naturally see mess and deal with it. It's all new to me that some people aren't like that!

He said he knew it annoyed me but because he doesn't care about mess (complete chaos) he saw it as smaller than it was

Nope. This should actually read:

He said he knew it annoyed me but because he doesn't care about me ... he saw me as smaller than him

(As other PP have already pointed out).

Of course he cried! You've called him on it, and he's losing a very cushy life!

I'd also stop paying off his debt. So what if he earns less than you? You paying his debt is never going to encourage him to use his money wisely. You aren't his bank, or his parent. He has to learn to step up and take responsibility for things like this.

It's all new to me that some people aren't like that!

Well it's hardly new, is it? It's being going on for a while now - you really have to deal with this swiftly otherwise all you're doing is enabling his behaviour.

I hope, very much, that your chat with him will result in permanent change, but make sure you don't let it slide.

Oh, and be careful he doesn't start criticising you for nagging when he stops doing 'his' chores!

You’re clearly a smart, clever capable woman and you deserve way better than this cocklodger.