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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do about DH

136 replies

ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 13:53

Basically i've been married less than a year. I do everything in the house, cook, clean, iron, tend to the pets. To the point he won't even get up to get the remote, he asks me.

He is stubborn beyond belief and would rather sit and watch nothing, order food etc than actually get up and do something about it. I therefore give in and do it.

We have had countless conversations about this and he always promises to change but doesn't. He was like this before i married him but i didn't really notice, he always said "you'd rather i was out of the way" because i can do household things 100 times quicker than him which is true (too much practise).

Now he loves me a lot and I know this, he talks so highly of me to everyone, sends me lovely messages, always says how he is the luckiest man alive etc. We laugh so much together when we are out and about or just chilling.

I'm having doubts about our future and how he will cope if we have kids and buy a bigger house than the one we own now (something that wont be long away).

The spark has also gone, i don't really wanna kiss him or anything because he frustrates me. I still love him, i just don't know if this is a rough patch or if it's doomed.

Any opinions would be good, don't hold back if i'm in the wrong i want to fix it!

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/07/2019 14:48

The doubts you had before the wedding were your instincts screaming at you that things weren't right but you ignored them.

You're not in it together. He's in it for what you do for him.

Hotterthanahotthing · 08/07/2019 14:48

He doesn't love you enough and he certainly doesn't respect you

If he won't change(and I doubt he will)then you need to leave now while you don't hate him and before your finances become entangled.
You can't fix it only he can change.And stop doing his laundry intact don't do anything for a few days before you go away,nothing.If he is going to try it will be sorted when you come back(don't give him the exact time/date),if not ...

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 14:49

You do know there is absolutely NO WAY this bloke will do anything to help you when you are pregnant or have had children, don't you?

Seriously, he is NOT going to change. If he does, it'll be very brief and gradually all the old habits will come back. Probably after you've had a baby which he will assume will make you less likely to leave. Or he'll complain about the messy house because you don't have time to do it all and he'll leave you a single parent and find the next gullible woman.

Whackitupto200 · 08/07/2019 14:50

He’s got it made hasn’t he? What’s in this for you? Is he spectacular in bed or something? Not that that would make up for how useless he is at life.

MostlyHappyMummy · 08/07/2019 14:52

OMG
Constantly shocked at what women put up with.

Whackitupto200 · 08/07/2019 14:52

If you want to have children then leave this guy ASAP and give yourself time to meet someone who’s not a man child looking for a mummy to fix everything for him.

He will never change so if I were you I’d cut my losses now before you find yourself doing 100% of all the childcare as well as being the breadwinner and the sole driver and housekeeper and cook.

Original poster
ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 15:10

Thanks everyone. I know deep down that just coming on here to ask for opinions is my way of admitting it isn't working. I think im going to tell him i need space and he needs to sort himself out or i'm not coming back.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/07/2019 15:14

That's good, OP, but he may step up for a few weeks then get bored of adulting and slip back into the mummy/son dynamic which suits him very well.

Good luck, and keep posting.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/07/2019 15:15

OMG do NOT have kids with this person. Seriously. At the moment it is just you and him to look after. If the fog has lifted from your eyes and you can see the little he brings to the table now, imagine how much less that would be if you have a child in the picture.
You walked into this marriage. I very rarely say it but you should RUN out of it.
Seriously. If you feel you must, hang around until you've helped him pay down his own debt (though why he can't even be responsible and pay that down himself I don't know or want to know) by all means stay but do not get pregnant. You will not be doing yourself any favours!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/07/2019 15:16

Oh, and stop paying off his debts too. He can manage maybe smaller payments himself. Not your problem.

Bunnieboo222 · 08/07/2019 15:27

You should give him a ultimatum

PicsInRed · 08/07/2019 15:35

What is even the fucking point of this?

He's lazy, not sexually attractive to you and a financial disaster zone.

What is the fucking point?

Your children will have 50% his genetic material and he's absolutely dire. Doesn't that depress you?

Just get on with divorcing him so that you can find someone really, really, really average - which would be an enormous step up from this total bodger.

Butterymuffin · 08/07/2019 15:42

Can't see what's in this for you at all. Pick yourself a better father for your kids or you are letting yourself and them down.

Ninkaninus · 08/07/2019 15:46

A couple of things to remember the next time you do this:

It matters not one single jot what people say in a relationship, they can say all sorts of lovely things, promise you the world, in fact, and it makes fuck all difference if they don’t back it up with their behaviour - it’s their actions that matter.

Men do not change. Really, they don’t. If you find yourself a useless, lazy, entitled man child who expects you to be his mummy and do all the shitwork in the house, he will stay exactly that when children come along. He won’t ‘sort himself out’ - this is who he is.

The spark is gone after less than a year because you married a fairytale and now you’re stuck with the reality!

simplekindoflife · 08/07/2019 15:48

I don't think men like this change. You have to constantly nag them and check on them and it's an exhausting and soul-destroying existence. I bet he'll get into more debt again if you don't keep an eye on him too.

But you can change. Stop doing anything for him. Cooking, washing his clothes and stop getting the remote for him for goodness sake!!

Or, preferably, just kick his lazy arse out!

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2019 15:49

There was a study that found that girls who see their fathers doing housework regularly, grow up to have wider and more varied career aspirations. If you reproduce with this tool you are showing the girls that they aren't worth much.

And he talks a good game, saying he loves you while expecting you to fetch the remote. What an arse.

Clutterbugsmum · 08/07/2019 15:58

Why am I not surprised that on top all you do at home you are also the main bread winner.

Time for him to have a short sharp shock. He needs to grow up and stopping acting like a teenager and be that actual adult he is.

ginghamtablecloths · 08/07/2019 16:07

Deeds, not words - need I say more?

PaterPower · 08/07/2019 16:08

Have your Mum and Dad not said anything? If I was watching either of my daughters doing all that for a lazy lump I’d be giving them all the advice and comments you’ve had from PPs above. I (male) earn a big chunk more than my DP and do more of the cooking and housework as I wfh.

You remind me of one of my DP’s colleagues who is running herself ragged, with two on-the-go jobs and two dc. Her lazy arse of a husband does sweet FA. She made herself very ill at one point and still looks constantly exhausted. She’s 10 years younger than my DP but looks about 10 years older than her now. Don’t be her.

Original poster
ImNotSureAnymore123 · 08/07/2019 16:33

@PaterPower no they haven't but i'm a private person and haven't really brought this to their attention, thinking i could sort it out with him. So everyone will be very shocked if this ends and he doesn't sort himself out.

I'm also scared to disappoint my parents, it's stupid i know, i'm an adult. I've always been a people pleaser and never want to burden other people with my issues.

I feel like for my own sake i need to give him the opportunity to change after a shock, me staying elsewhere then if he doesn't its over. I honestly think he thinks i'd never leave him so even me going temporarily is gunna shock him (i hope)

OP posts:
LemonTT · 08/07/2019 17:25

Yes but you aren’t going to leave him. That’s fairly clear and when it becomes clear to him, he will take full advantage. It will be a rinse and repeat exercise. You leave, he says sorry I’ll do better and you go back. A month later you are back to square one.

I am sorry but you think he is a different man from the lazy and inconsiderate one he actually is.

Rosielily · 08/07/2019 17:28

How old are the paIr of you?

wildcherries · 08/07/2019 17:36

Stop paying his debt and really don't tie yourself in with a child. Tell him to do his own washing. You clearly know this is off. Stop waiting on this manchild.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 17:37

"I've always been a people pleaser and never want to burden other people with my issues".

You have also contributed to the relationship being what it is now.
Please now properly address your people pleasing tendencies through counselling. For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked. Other people-pleasers have a history of maltreatment, and somewhere along the way, they decided that their best hope for better treatment was to try to please the people who mistreated them. Over time, for them, people-pleasing became a way of life.

Read about codependency in relationships too.

Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.

Who taught you how to people please anyway, it was likely one of your parents here.

This has also been your downfall here in relation to him. Even giving the guy a shock will not change him because this is really who he is.

Herocomplex · 08/07/2019 17:37

it’s a mistake but it’s a recent one. Put yourself first now. Stop before it gets worse, explain to him exactly how it is from now. You could try and change him but why would you? Put your energy into your own beautiful life. Just look what you’ve got going for you!