What to do about DH

[ImNotSureAnymore123]

Basically i've been married less than a year. I do everything in the house, cook, clean, iron, tend to the pets. To the point he won't even get up to get the remote, he asks me.

He is stubborn beyond belief and would rather sit and watch nothing, order food etc than actually get up and do something about it. I therefore give in and do it.

We have had countless conversations about this and he always promises to change but doesn't. He was like this before i married him but i didn't really notice, he always said "you'd rather i was out of the way" because i can do household things 100 times quicker than him which is true (too much practise).

Now he loves me a lot and I know this, he talks so highly of me to everyone, sends me lovely messages, always says how he is the luckiest man alive etc. We laugh so much together when we are out and about or just chilling.

I'm having doubts about our future and how he will cope if we have kids and buy a bigger house than the one we own now (something that wont be long away).

The spark has also gone, i don't really wanna kiss him or anything because he frustrates me. I still love him, i just don't know if this is a rough patch or if it's doomed.

Any opinions would be good, don't hold back if i'm in the wrong i want to fix it!

When you’ve picked your self esteem back off the floor, you will realise that you’re not his maid, mother, cook, cleaner, chauffeur and general dogsbody.

That blog from mustbethistall is brilliant. Try to get him to read it, if only to see his reaction (my twunt ex laughed at me for sending it to him).

But even more fundamental is this: he's a fully grown adult, out in the world. How the fuck has it escaped him thus far that he needs to do his bit to wherever he's living? Because he lives there.

Answer: because some chick is going to pick up the slack if he just throws her some honeyed words every now and then.

What is wrong with him that he refuses to even reach for the remote? What would he do if he lived on his own? He would do it then wouldn’t he? That’s the level of disrespect he has for you.

If you divorce now, you'd be free of his debt and it would be deemed a short marriage, which means he wouldn't be able to take a huge lump of your assets.

Wait until next year and this isn't guaranteed. And you'll have paid off his debts.

I wouldn't move out and give him an ultimatum. He can put on an act and then fall back again when he gets you back- as pp have pointed out.

I'd be sitting him down and telling him that you no longer find him attractive. His behaviour is making you feel like his mum and it feels icky to have sexually relations with him. Tell him his lack of contributions to household tasks is making you think he's pathetic and you've decided you can't have kids with a manchild.
Tell him you had doubts before the marriage but believed him in, but you now realise you over estimated his ability to treat you as a equal member of the household.
Tell him everytime he leaves stuff to you, what he's actually saying in effect is, "fuck it. Hero can do it" and this is making you resent him.
And then ask HIM 'what are you going to do to fix this?"

Tbh....it's a lot less work and stress to just leave. But most people want to waste years try everything (before they realise they don't change)

What reason does he give for expecting you to do all the housework and him to do none of it?

Does he openly admit it's because he has a penis and you don't?

"He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. You don't treat people you love and respect the way he is treating you. Actions speak louder than words"

THIS!! With BELLS on!

"We both work full time and i earn substantially more and am in charge of the finances, financially we have debt (well it was his from before the wedding" bloody hell! He really saw you coming didn't he?

"because we are in it together" but you're not! He's doing fuck all!

The SECOND you're on Mat leave, even if that's years from now and he pulls some of his weight in the meantime I'd bet good money he will instantly revert to "well you're not working you're home all day you can do all the housework/admin/childcare"

People do not fundamentally change. People who are at heart lazy like this will ALWAYS be lazy.

For the love of FUCK don't have a child with him - he is a deadbeat for sure! He won't do contact and he likely won't pay maintenance!

Get out ASAP and cut your losses.

The only way I would remotely think it feasible to stay is if he massively changes his ACTIONS including working more hours/getting a better paid job, learning to drive and BOTH of you getting separate therapy, him for his laziness and you for the people pleasing/codependency nonsense.

And even then I'm not convinced it will massively improve things

Did you not live together before you married? Has he ever lived alone? How old are you both?

We both work full time and i earn substantially more and am in charge of the finances, financially we have debt (well it was his from before the wedding)
Sorry OP he saw you coming.

He's now got all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities.

In your place I would definitely put getting more financially entangled (eg handling his debt, bigger house) on the back burner and definitely delay any plans for children.

This lazy "man" really doesn't sound a good life partner now and is unlikely to step up any time soon - especially if a baby is in the mix.

Also how are you contemplating building a life in the future, with children, with him if The spark has also gone, i don't really wanna kiss him or anything because he frustrates me.

If you do try yet again to get him to grow up be aware he may well tell you whatever you want to hear and even follow through with actions for a while until you drop your guard again or you are even more muted than you are.

Please don't let the investment you've already made (financially and emotionally), or embarrassment stop you from walking away.

I hope you manage to legally disentangle yourself from him - and sooner rather than later. It just gets more difficult and expensive from here.

Good luck! 🌹

Not "even more muted than you are. * but "even more MIRED than you are"

Honey, you are too good for this man. Way too good. So, if you do everything, what’s in the relationship for you? What do you get out of it?

I did the same as you and fell into a marriage with a lazy and entitled man. This was before I discovered MN and had people constantly telling me it was normal and I should just be a good wife because we love each other. Posters who said to delay children are right. I got pregnant quickly and had no support at all. I have done all the appointments, baths and night wakes. DD is amazing but it certainly ramps up the resentment. I hope that you leave but if you dont want to you need to make a life more uncomfortable for this man or what is his incentive to change. Start taking yourself out or off to bed - I have faked the odd migraine to force DH to take over. Start saying no we can't afford takeouts etc, no I can't drive you. He'll think you're being a twat and horrible but you'll see if he'll change or not. I suspect he'll just complain about your change in behaviour by which time you'll probably have checked out anyway. Marriage counselling has helped us to.

You sound like my SIL OP, right down to the remote control thing. They now have 4 kids and she is just a drudge.

My BIL openly brags that he has never changed a single nappy.

If your "DH" doesn't shape up or you don't ship him out, that is your future.

You have made a big mistake. Huge.

It's not too late to put it right. Drop him. Let him be some other mug's problem. If you were my daughter I would be disappointed if you stayed

Its not just a case of him being lazy.

He is prepared to sit there watching you do everything and see you stressed.

It's called not caring about you.

If he cared about you he'd want to help. He doesn't care enough to want to help.

You can ask him / make him do the chores. But he'll only be doing them because there is no choice. Not because he cares. There's a big difference.

There is no shame in walking away from this marriage. You are getting nothing from the relationship and deserve so much better.

I feel kind of sorry for him, tbh. He hasn't changed, he's always been like this and you chose to countenance it and even married him knowing the score. And now you're moving the goalposts.

That said, you should get out now.

Your story made me think about a friend I have. He’s an older man, a widower. Very wealthy. He has a housekeeper, to do everything for him and two young adult sons. They sing her praises to everyone, about how lucky they are, how well she cooks, etc.

But they don’t know anything personal about her (she’s been full time with them for 4 years). They really only interact to let her know what they need from her, and sometimes give feedback after she’s done it. It’s a fascinating dynamic to me. They are nice men, but they honestly don’t see that she’s an actual human, with her own thoughts and needs. She exists in relation to their needs only, and she gets complimented for being so ‘easy’. Basically for not having any needs, and keeping her mouth shut.

I suspect those boys will have some twisted thinking about sharing domestic labor when they partner up. It’s all so surreal.

Your DP seems to be in a similar dynamic with you. Unfortunately for him, it’s 2019 and not 1519. He either joins you in the real world of toilet brushes and meal plans, household admin and making himself more attractive to you, or he’s going to find himself divorced in a small hovel, whining on the internet about ‘uppity modern women’ as his hobby.

You’re so right about the kids thing. It will feel 100 times worse if you stick it out and add kids. Or have them then divorce him. Can you imagine the household he’ll be hosting them in when you are forced to share custody? Urgh.

Sounds like he doesn’t realise how serious this is. A 3rd party like a counsellor may help him get some perspective (ie that his behaviour is unreasonable).

Perhaps he has his side too. Eg - do you criticise it when he does do some chores (are you perfectionist about it)? Because that can be v discouraging and prevent people from trying. So listen to him too.

For us - 1st 2 years of marriage was the hardest. We both had our issues - I communicated too aggressively for him and he didn’t do things that were important to me. We didn’t appreciate enough of what each other did. Talking about stuff helps.

If he did ‘sort’ himself out, I’d put good money on him reverting back to the real him the minute you’re knocked up.

The bigger problem than him being a lazy arse is that you accepted his laziness so readily. He knows you well enough to see through your bravado, meaning he knows exactly what to say and how long to say it before you cave and go back to square one. It’s frustrating that he acts the child but even more frustrating, is you treating him like one. He should be paying his own debts because you magicking then away with your money and plans is just another lesson in him not taking responsibility for his own mess. Do you see the pattern in the consequences of your behaviour?

You chose incredibly poorly and I’d advise strongly that you understand why, I love/d him is simply not good enough.

He'll change when you threaten to kick him out.

Then , gradually he'll return to his default

Never ever have children with this man

Never ever buy a bigger home with this man

And organise separate finances right now

He is a user. A useless user. And you are his life enabler

I'm also scared to disappoint my parents, it's stupid i know, i'm an adult
As a parent I'd be disappointed by you staying and being taken advantage of.
I'd want you out of there.
Leave him to his lazy ways and his debt.
Honestly, as a parent, that is what we would want for you.

he won't even get up to get the remote, he asks me.

If DH did this to me, I'd use the remote to switch off the TV, take the remote to the furthest possible point away from him in the house (or, better still, the garden) and tell him to fetch it for himself.

It is possible that he will change in the short term if you give him an ultimatum, but just be aware, this is who he is. He will revert to type soon enough. Thank goodness you have realised that you can't live like this before having DC!

I agree with hellsbells, if I were your mother, I'd be disappointed if you stayed. Also to reiterate what others have said, please please do not have children with this man. Your resentment will increase thousand fold and you will be utterly exhausted, as he will not lift a finger to help you. In fact, he will probably resent a baby for taking your attention away from him. You really are a slave to the needs of a baby 24/7 (in the beginning anyway) Your man child husband will expect the same level of service you give him now, and you simply won't be able to do it.
The good news is it's not too late. Please listen to the combined wisdom and experience of women on here. We know what we're talking about. We've seen all this before, and it won't end well for you, unless you gain some self respect now.