This is an abusive relationship, isn't it?

[veeworried]

I am a regular poster who has changed my name and I hope anyone who reads this will understand why.

Basically I've been seeing a man for about 5 months now. Recently his behaviour has been very disturbing. There have been comments and behviour which made me think..that's wierd, or that's wrong but I rationalised them away - fairly mild stuff like critcising my appearance or my flat wasn't tidy enough. More fool me.

Well this all came to a head last weekend when he told me quite categorically that he had raped an ex girlfriend who tried to split up with. He was at my flat when this happened and we were on our own - I was horrified and very scared. He talked me round somehow and then the rest of the weekend was normal.

I have avoided him all week by pretending to be ill but the truth is I really don't want to see him again and want to split up but I'm so scared he will do the same thing to me. At the same time I feel guilty because he isn't always this awful person and I think about the lovely times we have had.

I'm very confused and scared but know win my heart what has to be done. But how do I get the strength to do it?

Thanks anyone who has read through that.

You are really doing the right thing. I have namechanged for this. I started going out with a man a long time ago and one of the first signs I got that he was deranged went like this; we were having sex whilst drugged & drunk admittedly (like I said a long time ago) and he said someone elses name whilst I was on top. I went to jump off and he gripped my arm so tightly that his nail dug into my wrist. I still have the scar many years later. He apologised loads and I went on seeing him, even moved in with him. He went on to fracture my skull, broke my fingers, ribs and nose and generally just abused me terribly. Raped me anally and I can tell you that I bled as I didn't welcom it. I even considered children with this man. My friends & family kind of gave up on me. He was absolutely gorgeous and charming when not angry but when he was, he was a monster. I shudder everytime I think of having children with him. Imagine the grief he would have put me through. I would never have been allowed another partner unless I went through the courts. At one point he was locked up on remand for trying to kill me, for 9 months, and I forgave him much to my families disgust. I loved him you see.

If I had the sence that I have now, I would have known at the beginning and saved myself so much misery. Even leaving him, which I did, but it was years before I could love another man. I just loved him and now looking on it, I see how warped & stupid I was.

Sky! It's fine honey. I am always abandoning threads through sheer disorganisation so it's impressive that you remembered! Hope you're not too wet?? poor thing!

I fell for a man who was very charming, and started in on the verbal criticisms. About EVERYTHING. Luckily, despite being dependent on alcohol at the time - he was definitely an alcoholic himself - I recognised him for who he was: an abuser.

Then there were his 'stories' from his past - the way he'd treated women. And he always found it 'funny', too, to do stuff like bet his friend a fiver that he could pour a beer over his girlfriend's head in a crowded nightclub (he was upstairs) and still take her home and shag her. Then he paid the friend in front of her. That was just one of his many 'tales' and he thought anyone who didn't find this sort of thing funny was just a sourpuss.

When I dumped him, his mum phoned me up. First words out of her mouth were: 'Did he hit you?'

Narrow escape!

Try not to beat yourself up, vee.

JUST STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!

flightattendant - We're fine, I had to abandon my car and wade through floodwaters at one point but my house didn't get flooded luckily. We just couldn't get to it as it was cut off. dd and I stayed at a friend's.

• I think your analysis of an abusive man running away from his 'deep' feelings, being abusive to make you reject him, rings very true of the situation I was in. My ex also hated his mother, he wouldn't answer the door if she sprung a surprise visit on him. Mental note - only go out with men who love their mothers and sisters.

YouCleverWoman - Words fail me. Glad you survived.

As other people's stories show, just trust your instinct. There are a lot of abusive people around - strange that many of them can also be some of the most attractive, charming, charismatic people. I suppose that's how they attract their victims amd can repeat their narcissistic routines.

There are so many tales on here..

YouCleverWoman my heart just about broke your story and what you have been through. I could, I really could see him going that way. Congratulations (if thats the word) on finding the strength to leave. Did you manage to rebuild your relationship with your family and friends? I really hope so.

Some of you have made comments about 'mothers. I really think you are a lot closer to the mark than you think with this man..uncomfortably so. He actually referred to me as his mum a couple of times....of sniggering afterwards. You will see why this is so disturbing ..he told me fairly on I think that he wanted to have sex with his mother when he was younger (actually he didn't put it that politely) but not any more - so that's all right then!

There were also sexual comments about other female members of his family.

Horrible, diseased mind.

Blimey! Well good God, Freud was right all along!!!

I hope you had some rest and he hasn't been in touch.

I think perhaps we have hit a sort of 'key' to dealing with these blokes - as soon as they realise you're onto their game, and don't bite the bullshit, they're off.

Probably they are angry with their mothers and use the relationship with a woman as an exercise to see if they can finally 'win' the battle with 'her' - and if you end up being one step ahead of them, they go away and find someone else who will be easy to dominate / intimidate.

I hope I manage to have my sons growing up and NOT doing this to their girlfriends!!!

At least he didn't act on those "feelings".

Sounds like a lucky escape for you tho

veeworried - well done for having the strength and conviction to know this is all wrong and to get out while you can.

I hope he leaves you alone - I suspect the fact that you have shown YOUR strength will frighten him off - he wants someone who is cowed and scared and who he can manipulate.

And again this is one of the times that Mumsnet really excels - a situtation like this could leave you feeling very isolated and questioning your own judgement but of course some MNrs have been through the same (or worse).

Sorry if comes across as "precious" but where else would you be able to find such a wealth of support and experience?

I"ll get off my soapbox now!

maybe you have already done this vee, but have you put a post on your local mumsnet bit? maybe to meet up with someone close by? or at least just to see if someone is nearby who knows your situation?
is your ex nearby? glad he is being supportive.
you are doing really well!

Still feeling very sad today, which has taken me by surprise. I'm very much missing the 'lovely' part of him and feel incredibly sad about that but am reminding myself of the fear I felt before and why I ended it.

You may be surpirsed and incredulous to hear that I feel guilty for the way I ended it all. I feel very callous, and he hasn't tried to contact me since Saturday.

Am trying to keep things as normal as possible for me and DS - was back at work today.

Thanks again all of you for your continuing support.

Now I know why I like mumsnet so much!

What I've learned is that abusive people live in a different reality from "normal" people. Ther reason you feel guilty and callous is because that's how you'd feel if you had done that to someone who was not abusive. In fact you'd be giving them the benfit of the doubt and questioning yourself. But the abusive personality lives in a whole diferent universe where they are the misunderstood one, and they are the one who is in the right. They are on a different planet where different rules apply somehow.

To be honest I suspect you have got out in good time before it became even more difficult to leave, and before you got ingrained into the terrible habit of walking on eggshells around him in case you set him off and justifying the bad times for the sake of the good times.

You are obviously going to mourn the loss of a relationship as all change is difficult whether for better or worse, but I really do think you have done the right thing and saved yourself from a lot of potential fear and misery.

Stay strong Vee. The last 5 months could have turned into 5 years of your very precious life. You sound like a lovely lady and I really wouldn't think twice about how you dumped him. Just think how callous he was when he told you he raped someone. Even more evil & callous if he did . Even if that wasn't true, it's still a terrible thing to tell a woman. It's supposed to make you scared, so that you fall into the trap. This has taken you one phone call to escape from, had you gone further in, it could have taken months of counselling and stuff.

You really are brilliant in my eyes and I think someone on here mentioned that you should tell everyone you know about this guy. I agree.

Sweetheart, yes it's ok to feel sad but he wants you to feel guilty and callous...in fact he doesn't give a sh*t how you feel or he would never have said what he did. But he's very clever and is using the power of his silence to make you think about him...he knows that if he acts wounded, you're more likely to cave because you're kind and will feel you must have been unjustified to ditch him.
Know it for what it is, a trick...maybe he isn't even aware of his illness but that's what it is and he needs help. He will never get help probably.

They key is to stay angry, till you're free of this pullback thing...write down everything, even if you feel an urge the good stuff, nostalgic stuff...whenever I did that, thinking 'I miss him', I would be off in a romantic account of something he'd done, and suddenly a 'wait - hang on - then he said so-and-so ' or something, there would be a spoiler that stopped my nostalgia in its tracks.
I got angry then and indignant that he thought he could play me to make me forget, or feel bad for him.
One thing is for sure, he ain't feeling bad for you. Just wants to use you to play his games on so don't let him, please...

No, I know you are all right. I mean, right about about what you say.

I was talking about all this to afriend last night and she said don't you DARE feel sorry for that wanker!

And now I think of it, any sign of kindness or sympathy would be jumped on and sneered at, by him. There are oh so many things.

I think writing a list is a good idea, I will keep it somewhere private and use it to remind me. Also I keep re-reading this thread because it's been so brilliant really.

I know I keep saying it but THANK YOU ALL!

How are you today?

Hi UCM,

Was very upset yesterday but feeling much more positive today. I still have moments of feeling scared/jumpy but they are passing quickly. I'm not going to live my life frightened of what is around the corner...and tbh I think he was more into 'mind games' than acting out violence.

That's not to say he doesn't have the capacity to do it, I think he does but...

Yesterday I was feeling like a complete cow and thinking about the way I endedit and his last text (which I ignored). Got very upset. But that is starting to lift when I remind myself how nasty he could be.

Also had a big long chat with my sister last night who was wonderful - I had been too ashamed/upset to tell her.

In short, the fog is starting to lift.

Part of me wants to see and explain..but Idon't think he would listen, or understand

Wanting to explain is natural. However generally I think abusive people don't want explanations or justifications from their victims. They can't see any other point of view than their own. It's pointless. You can't change them or their behaviour. But you can change yours, which you are doing!

Well done Vee, I'm relieved that you are still on the straight and narrow as it were!
It can be so hard but once you are so clear and have everyone's support, it is easier - part of his plan would have been to make you feel it was nothing, it was all your own paranoia - so you'd take him back and he could do it again till you were a quivering wreck.
I know it's been nerve racking but it would have been a lot worse a few months or years down the line probably xx

They want you to be afraid to leave and thus they trap you. You got out, and he didn't rape you. Proving the threatening bullshit theory!

Nice work, hun!

"They want you to be afraid to leave and thus they trap you."

Yes, I can really see the truth in that statement. I've come back and read this thread again and again for support

I'm still really hurting but things are getting better, slowly but surely.

Also have been lucky enough to arrange some counselling through work as there is stuff I need to talk about that I find very hard to mention or even think about but needs to be worked through for my own peace of mind.

I know I keep saying it but THANKS !

Hey, vee, have just read this thread tonight, and just wanted to add my support to you, keep strong, DO NOT contact him, start looking forward not back. I am very very proud of you and so glad that you took the steps you did to save yourself from a such a harmful relationship. Massive sisterhood hug.

A brief update for anyone who is interested; had my appointment with the counsellor today and I have to say it really helped, so I;m going to pursue that.

I have run a real gamut of emotions over the past couple of weeks. Was feeling very sad, now back to angry.

Thanks all again x

Oh and he hasn't been in touch either. Guess he didn't care that much after all? Ah well.

well done for getting rid of him and getting your head round it.

i'll be surprised if you don't hear from him again. i think he'll be in contact.

hey vee, was just thinking 'bout you today, how's it going? hope you are doing ok and holding up. Remember there are lots of good people in the world to care for you. Hopefully things getting easier.