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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is an abusive relationship, isn't it?

153 replies

veeworried · 27/07/2007 12:02

I am a regular poster who has changed my name and I hope anyone who reads this will understand why.

Basically I've been seeing a man for about 5 months now. Recently his behaviour has been very disturbing. There have been comments and behviour which made me think..that's wierd, or that's wrong but I rationalised them away - fairly mild stuff like critcising my appearance or my flat wasn't tidy enough. More fool me.

Well this all came to a head last weekend when he told me quite categorically that he had raped an ex girlfriend who tried to split up with. He was at my flat when this happened and we were on our own - I was horrified and very scared. He talked me round somehow and then the rest of the weekend was normal.

I have avoided him all week by pretending to be ill but the truth is I really don't want to see him again and want to split up but I'm so scared he will do the same thing to me. At the same time I feel guilty because he isn't always this awful person and I think about the lovely times we have had.

I'm very confused and scared but know win my heart what has to be done. But how do I get the strength to do it?

Thanks anyone who has read through that.

OP posts:
Pabamella · 27/07/2007 12:32

Even if hes not a rapist (if he said that to just scare you) then hes still a complete oddbod and probably dangerous or unstable, what kind of man lies about raping someone? It seems he didnt even say it jokily (if thats even possible) - he was saying it to intimidate you ...

he was basically saying try to leave me and ill do this to you.

Very, very bad man.

Ring the police.

Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 12:34

I;m going to contact Women's Aid.

I finally admitted all this to my best friend last night and she was great.

Thank you all, I am listeningt o all your advice and taking it seriously. I just didn't want to admit to myself how bad things were but I can see now from talking to other people.

OP posts:
newlifenewname · 27/07/2007 12:35

whoever said don't go into detail about why you are ending it is right - he is manipulative and will use such info to talk you round.

TranquilaManana · 27/07/2007 12:46

no - didnt mean its your fault. and didnt mean to be flippant. i think OP knows well enough how serious this is.

agree with those who say go get legal advice. v urgently i would add.

and when you tell him you are breaking up, make it clear that you have told your family, friends and the police and womans aid who he is and that you want never to se him again.

he will be used to dealing with women too weak and ashamed to put themselves and their safety first like that. he will see your strength and hopefully piss off and bother someone else (well, hopefully he'll get run over, but if he pisses off thats good enough for now)

BE STRONG. and SHOW YOUR STRENGTH. he'll find that a right turn off, trust me.

and do tell everyone. even if you feel ashamed, its really much better to tell them all and that hes dangerous. people can only help/protect you if you let them.

snowleopard · 27/07/2007 13:02

veeworried, good on you for reacting so swiftly to this and knowing that you don't want to be with this abusive man - not daft at all. And you have the strength, your OP shows that. I agree that he's testing you - seeing if you will just take it and be intimidated by it. There is a lot of help out there - I would go to your police station and ask them for advice, make sure you are not alone with him when you dump him (you could meet him somewhere with a friend, or just do it by phone if possible) and don't say why, just say sorry but it's not working out, end of conversation.

Remember whatever did really happen with ex-girlfriend, she's not in his life now so it is possible to get away from this man. You cannot, simply cannot, stay with him because you're scared he will rape you if you don't - that is no basis for a relationship and you know it. The polie will help and advise you as will various other organisations people have suggested. It might also make you feel better to have a rape alarm handy, get extra door and window bolts, ask someone to stay for a while etc - although I agree that once you show strength this man will probably be off.

Good luck.

Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 13:04

Tranquilamama didn'tthink you were being flippant at all I can understand your reaction!

Thank you everyone. I have made up my mind about what I'm going to do and follow it hrough - I know there are people I can ask for support and I've spoken to womens aid who were very helpful.

OP posts:
FioFio · 27/07/2007 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Crotchety · 27/07/2007 13:08

Out of interest what did Women's Aid say? I am trying to help someone who has ended a very long verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and while we haven't yet looked into anti-harrassment orders it may eventually come to that.

TranquilaManana · 27/07/2007 13:09

bravo!

now go and put some inspring music on and revel in your stregth and freedom!

CountessDracula · 27/07/2007 13:13

goodness what a nightmare

i would call the police now and report his self-alleged rape tbh

Aitch · 27/07/2007 13:14

good decision, vee. phone the dv unit as well and deffo when you speak to him don't go into much detail about why you want him gone. these men use detail to tie you up in knots. just 'you're not for me, thanks' and poiint out that you've taken the rape thing v seriously so will inform the police if he comes near you again.
good luck.

Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 13:15

Didn't think I would be smiling on this thread but you have both made me smile to myself Fio and TranquilaMama Crotchety
Women's Aid said they can arrange a safe place for me to go if necessary. They also told me that I could make an appointment to see them and the opening hours of my local office. They were very helpfula nd picked up really quickly so I would recommened yoru friend gets it touch with them. One thing they do is offer counselling and support, encouraging women to find the strength to leave.

Obviously they will be used to dealing with cases that are far more serious than mine.

The number is 0808 2000 247.

OP posts:
Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 13:20

CountessDracula I don't know if I could/can do that as it happened in another country. But I will mention it to the police if it comes to that and I need to. Like Aitch says.

OP posts:
Crotchety · 27/07/2007 13:20

Thanks - it's the counselling advice that I think would be useful. But when she did ring not one but two Women's Aid local numbers all she got were indistinct answermessages giving details of refuges which is not what she needs. So I think she is reluctant to try again as it took a lot of persuading to get her to ring them in the first place.

Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 13:20

I mean, he is not British. Sorry if that wasn't clear. Not really relevant but don't know how it would affect this 'alleged' rape being reported.

OP posts:
Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 13:22

Crotchety how awful I think it would depend where your friend is. That would have put me off too.

OP posts:
Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 13:28

And I will let you know what has happened as it always worried me in the past when I saw threads like this and you would be concerned about the OP.

Thank you again.It's amazing to know that there are so many kind people out there who don't know me and are willing to give support.

OP posts:
Aitch · 27/07/2007 13:47

oh, btw i was saying that you should tell the police DV unit what he's said in advance, but i wouldn't tell him that in case he gets angry and takes it out on you.
glad you're smiling a little.

Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 14:26

Also to let you know, my friend has offered to come up to stay as she is so concerned (bringing a large male friend!). This will really help. I didn't want to ask but she has offered.

This has helped.

OP posts:
TiredFedUpNanny · 27/07/2007 14:28

I am so glad someone has offered to come and stay with you. It will not only keep you safer but will help you feel more secure. I still think you need to inform police, though, as your friends cannot stay forever and he sounds mad.

Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 14:39

I don't know what to say though, as he has never outright threatened me physically. He just implies that he could do it if he wanted to. Which I think is what the comment on Saturday was about. A kind of threat.

OP posts:
Mommalove · 27/07/2007 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bran · 27/07/2007 14:43

Can he be very charming? Be prepared for the fact that he might turn back into the person that you were first attracted to and try to win you back, especially if he can see from your friends being around that threats won't work. Don't get drawn into conversation with him, you don't need to justify your decision or make him feel better, even if he does a very convicing impression of a broken heart.

If he has any sense he'll just bugger off, he'll probably be trying it on with another woman within hours of walking away from you (sadly).

FunkyGlassSlipper · 27/07/2007 14:46

on you behalf. What a tw*t.

When you tell him it is over tell him that he has said things which have changed your opinion of him and you are no longer able to have a relationship with him.

He will say it was untrue, didnt mean it etc but you can reply that whether it was true or not it demonstrated a behaviour which you do not want to be a part of any relationship you may have.

Make sure your friend (and big friend ) is around and also keep a diary of any threats etc.

Good luck. And well done for seeing this for what it is.

Original poster
veeworried · 27/07/2007 14:58

Yes he can be very charming! It's the reason why I fell for him in the first place. Fell for is perhaps not the right word as I certainly liked (note past tense) him very much but didn't and don't love him.

OP posts:
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