This is an abusive relationship, isn't it?

[veeworried]

I am a regular poster who has changed my name and I hope anyone who reads this will understand why.

Basically I've been seeing a man for about 5 months now. Recently his behaviour has been very disturbing. There have been comments and behviour which made me think..that's wierd, or that's wrong but I rationalised them away - fairly mild stuff like critcising my appearance or my flat wasn't tidy enough. More fool me.

Well this all came to a head last weekend when he told me quite categorically that he had raped an ex girlfriend who tried to split up with. He was at my flat when this happened and we were on our own - I was horrified and very scared. He talked me round somehow and then the rest of the weekend was normal.

I have avoided him all week by pretending to be ill but the truth is I really don't want to see him again and want to split up but I'm so scared he will do the same thing to me. At the same time I feel guilty because he isn't always this awful person and I think about the lovely times we have had.

I'm very confused and scared but know win my heart what has to be done. But how do I get the strength to do it?

Thanks anyone who has read through that.

NO you are not being silly - it's a relief to hear of a story where someone has realised before it all got too late really. There is a useful forum on a site called Hidden Hurt which includes emotional and verbal abuse and they are very big on the
No Contact Rule

Well done! Do not reply - assuming you have not replied by now. He will get the message. Keep your mobile on you and keep your friends up to date with what is happening.
Best of luck!

Well done, listen to your friends and change you numbers. He will get bored eventually.

agree with expat. totally ignore him, end it no contact, if you see him walk past don't stop, and try to keep to where there are lots of people.

glad your friends are there and that you went to the police - if all else fails at least they're aware of the potential problem.

Well done you brave lady./

Thanks once again everybody for your continuing support.

I am going to change my number - the police gave me an incident number that I can use to report it so I will contact my service provider with that and hopefully they'll do that without too much hassle.

Part of me feels sorry and sad for him, because I think he is actually mentally unbalanced, which sounds ridiculous I know but that is mixed in with the fear too.

I have another concern as well, not so much about me.

Should I make my XP aware of the situation? I'm really stuck iver this one because my first instinct is to protect my DS and I would never ever forgive myself if something happened to him because of a stupid decision I had made. We share joint custody and I'm worried my XPw ould use it to stop me seeing him.

think u should be very proud o yourseld veeworried >>>>>>hugs

veeworried - well done! the guilt thing is classic btw, but you aren't treating him badly, so don't feel bad about it. am really pleased for you.
i would make xp aware too, do you have a good relationship? if not, maybe make it as brief as possible, just say that you are getting hassle from a man and you might need his help with your shared child.
keep us updated, and once again, well done!

Thank you. I don't feel proud or brave - just frightened atm.

But am determined not to let him win.

I have told my XP who has offered his support. He's close by and can offer practical support if need be. Hopefully it won't come to that but if it is then he's there.

veeworried - you are doing great, well done.

When do your friends leave?

They have left this morning beetroot.

With each minute that passes he doesn't get in touch I feel braver - but it just takes one message to plunge me back into a nerve ridden wreck. Ridiculous I know, that is the effect he has had on me.

can you go out?

Yes, I can go out. I managed it for a few hours yesterday (albeit when my friends were there) and it did boost my confidence a bit.

Can't really do it now as DS is here and having a nap.

Thankfully HE lives in a different town.

Am really hoping that by stopping all contact he will 'get the message'. My friends are all being very supportive so that has really helped a lot.

Just came back on here to check you are alright. Well done for no contact, is v good idea to get new mobile number, too. And it's great that XP has shown his support, it's a positive thing to come out of all this that he is there for you! Good luck, hope it all goes well!

I hope it all works out for you hun

You are brave whether you feel it or not. To do something that makes you feel afraid is always brave.
I'm glad your ex is being helpful too. I don't think he could use it as an excuse to take your son, it isn't your fault someone you were seeing someone who turned out to be a bit deranged. It could just as easily happen to him.

Keep to your normal routine if you can as the more you get out, the less afraid you will be to go out.

Oh myy mobile co. were very happy to change my number free, once I said I was being harrassed.

And it would have been worse if your ds's dad had found out about this and you hadn't told him, so best thing to do

Thank you flighattendant - your posts are really helpful. I can't post a lot at the moment because DS is here and running riot.

But thank you a lot. It all feels really very surreal and I think I have gone into shock a bit.

It's ok, just couldn't not post iyswim...though partly it helps me too I think.
Sorry to ramble so much but I always wished someone understood when I was feeling that way. My mum just said 'stop it, you're being overdramatic' which didn't help.

It did help having a ds to look after though

Could you maybe tell a neighbour? It'll make you feel silly but better iyswim! Then someone will be keeping an eye out as well as your ds's dad. Just to build as much support 'anti- the ex' as you possibly can.

It does help a lot, much of what you say sounds oh so familiar. Everything just feels very peculiar and disjointed.

DS does help and has been a great distraction this afternoon. He's so fab

One thing though that is upsetting me - he could be absolutely lovely and I really miss that side of him a lot. When we first met I remember him picking me up and carrying me down the street - things like that. And we were very physically close too (I don't just mean sex) - he was a very tactile person. So I am sort of mourning that side of him I guess. I know a lot of people will find that hard to understand (they'll be thinking stupid, stupid woman - what are you ON?)and TBH I don't blame them at all.

Of course, the flip side of that was that he could be hideously nasty and very evil minded (CF last Saturday).

He hasn't tried to contact me today.

Hi Veeworried - just read the thread. Sorry you are going through this.

Re. your last post, I think it's normal to have some regrets about the end of a relationship even if it is becoming abusive. That's certainly my experience, anyway. Nobody is all bad and it is a shock when someone you have become very attached to turns nasty. It's very confusing. As with other relationships, it's not possible to switch off all your feelings in one go.

It's hard to reconcile the different parts of someone's character and there is an element of almost post traumatic stress about it as you try and make sense of it. You might start to question whether it was all a misunderstanding on your part or whether it was actually your fault. But it wasn't, you knew instinctively that something wasn't right and you needed to get out of harms way. I think you have been very clear-minded. As you say, if you find yourself missing him, it might help to try and remind yourself why the relationship needs to end. Unfortunately, you will still live through all the feelings of it and grieve the relationship like you would any other.

((Flightattendant - just wanted to say I wasn't home all last week due to my village being flooded, hence not replying to your post on the other thread (apologies for mini-hijack).))

I think it's okay to mourn the nice side of him. It will help you to move on if you recognise the feelings and deal with them. Just remember that the nice side in no way can make up for the nasty side. I think that's where women get caught. They forgive the nasty side in favour of the nice side.

You have been wonderfully strong - keep it up.

Oh Vee, no I don't think any of us would think you were nutty for feeling like that. Of course he had a good side. So did both of my abusive exes, and it was something I had to mourn as well...and sometimes wonder how it could be that someone who could be so nice, was worth dumping for something I couldn't quite explain to anyone else...or even put my finger on in my own mind.

In my cases it was a matter of the abuse being terminal, it was never going to get better but likely to get much worse - I freak out easily which is probably useful as I responded badly to what I saw as early ssigns of a downward spiral. I'm glad for that.
But the upshot of their behaviour was really that I sudden;y found myself without any respect for them. I especially remember with my latest - ds2's father - I realised one day that I had no love, no respect at all left inside me. That was partly what made it so easy to dump him without a single regret.

Yours sounds a lot more confusing, much nicer when he wanted to be than either of mine were. It must be very hard to reconcile that with leaving it in limbo like this - although hopefully it is finished, it won't feel like it is for a while.

He really needs to leave you alone to let you believe you're safe. I hope he does

If it helps, TBH I've been thinking for a while after reading some earlier posts on here, that maybe he wanted you to say f*ck off or whatever, maybe he did it all deliberately to make it your fault, play out rejection...he might be fearful of commitment (abusive men are often afraid of and 'put on alert' by their deep feelings, but that means they choose women who make them feel that way so they can 'go through' it - a kind of story of their lives, their destiny, that no one can stop them doing and they don't even know it - so they get fond of you, then behave increasingly badly till you dump them, then they are free to go and do it to someone else...)

You probably represent his mother. Did she reject him in any way?

I'm probably way off here but it doesn't matter anyway, the important thing is to stay strong and know it isn't your fault. And that staying would possibly have put you at risk - even if not of rape, then of intimidation.
You did the right thing - mourn him yes, remember the good times, but with a knowledge of what was lurking behind them.

Hope you have a good evening/night xx