This is an abusive relationship, isn't it?

[veeworried]

I am a regular poster who has changed my name and I hope anyone who reads this will understand why.

Basically I've been seeing a man for about 5 months now. Recently his behaviour has been very disturbing. There have been comments and behviour which made me think..that's wierd, or that's wrong but I rationalised them away - fairly mild stuff like critcising my appearance or my flat wasn't tidy enough. More fool me.

Well this all came to a head last weekend when he told me quite categorically that he had raped an ex girlfriend who tried to split up with. He was at my flat when this happened and we were on our own - I was horrified and very scared. He talked me round somehow and then the rest of the weekend was normal.

I have avoided him all week by pretending to be ill but the truth is I really don't want to see him again and want to split up but I'm so scared he will do the same thing to me. At the same time I feel guilty because he isn't always this awful person and I think about the lovely times we have had.

I'm very confused and scared but know win my heart what has to be done. But how do I get the strength to do it?

Thanks anyone who has read through that.

VeeW, don't be ashamed. Luckily you have got the sense to realise that this fella isn't right. Lots of women ignore these things and end up married & having children with nutters like this.

I would ask a friend to be with you when you phone him and state very calmly that you do not wish to see him again as you don't want a relationship with him. Let him work out why? Nutter. If he continues to harass you, tell him you will speak to the police. Actually I would phone your local police station anyway and just ask them how to deal with this legally, so you are informed.

I have been in a relationship with such a man. When you finish things with him, it's quite likely that he will pester you continually for a while, e.g. bombard you with texts, phone calls, etc. as his ego will not be able to stand "being dumped" and he will, in his view, have lost the control over you that he so obviously craved. IGNORE everything, do not even tell him to f* off, just completely cut him off immediately. He will get the message eventually, it may just take some time. Be strong, don't let him get to you! In the mean time protect yourself as much as possible, have a friend stay over/stay elsewhere, inform police, etc.

they can all be charming - whether he said he raped someone as a 'joke' (sick joke at that if you ask me) or if he actually did it, to a point isn't the issue now the issue is you getting away from him asap. keep firm keep strong. you can do this, you will do this stand up to him and show him you will not be bullied. (might be worth not going out and about alone for a while - whilst I'm not suggesing you need a body guard/to be scared and ashamed etc and saty hidden away at he same time he seems quite jekle and hydish so for your own safety and peace of mind please keep people around you. and if he does come near you have the police on speed dial ready.

well done you. you could just say you see no future for you and you both want differnt things - or words to that effect.

Thanks UCM.

I have sent him a message saying I want to talk to him tomorrow, which is when my friends will be here.

The support I've had here is great. This is why I keep coming back to Mumsnet. Thank you all! I really am blown away by your kindness.

(if he comes tonight to throw you off the sent DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR!!) sorry to shout but don't it's not worth putting yourself in any risk - I know your not silly and are a grown up, but it's worrying none the less.

That had actually occured to me pipsqueeke which is one of the reasons I am more than a little concerned. I don't think he will but the thought that he might is worrying enough.

I am going to be as neutral as possible in telling him I want to split up because like I said he is I think quite unstable.

could you go to a friends over night? I know you shouldn't have to but as I say personal saftey is paramount. (had an abusive relationship yonks ago so sorry if I sound a bit ott on the safety aspect. )

You don't sound OTT pipsqueeke. I think I will be safe as I live in a block of flats which has secure entry plus my door double bolts and has a safety chain.

veeworried - i used to volunteer at a local womens centre, and have had some experience of dealing with women in your situation. i am not an expert, follow your own instincts before advice from a stranger! but here is my advice anyway:
be very calm and clear about finishing, AND, it is really important not to leave any loopholes for him. so don't say that you aren't ready for a relationship at the moment, don't say you want to be friends, all those things which make leaving a relationship easier with someone safe and nice aren't so possible. this leaves open doors with someone who has "issues" about relationships ending.
well done for getting in touch with womens aid. the good news is that you are dealing with all this now, and 5 months isn't very long into a relationship which helps with ending it (practically of course, but also emotionally for him. not that i care about his feelings you understand, but that it is likely to be much less ugly than if he had moved in and felt he had more to lose.)

i would keep an account of his behaviour, document it all in diary form with dates, what he said, did etc. this is very useful if you do have to pursue a legal route like an injunction. saying "he keeps phoning and harrasing me" isn't as effective as saying "he phoned me 17 times on this date, etc..."
start with the rape comment, or as far back before that as you can remember.

if in a weeks time you "bump" into him, and he is all friendly and asks you to go for a coffee, do not stop and chat, do not apologise for not having time etc. it is not possible to friends with this man.

oh, and stating the bleeding obvious, but when you do tell him its over, don't have alcohol on offer! have a bottle ready for you and your friends for afterward by all means, but don't open it til he's gone! keep it brief, civil, calm and consistent. it could help to put a time limit, explain he has to leave by 7.30 if he turns up at 7 etc. there is absolutely nothing to be gained from allowing your split up to drag on all evening.

stay strong, keep your friends informed, and let us know how you get on, and that you are safe!
best of luck. xx.

Do you have DC's Veeworried? If so I would suggest they stay elsewhere for the night if possible?

I had a very manipulative and charming ex, it took me months to get away from but Im glad I did it in the end!

Good luck and please let us know how you are?

Ju x

I have a DS who is staying with his Dad (we share custody) so that is OK.

My friends have let me know that they will be over at 2.30 tomorrow which is very good of her (they are travelling some distance to be here). There isn't really anybody else I could call on to be honest as I am quite a quiet person and don't have any really good freinds locally.

I am sure he will turn on the charm as that is how has got round me in the past (I have tried to end things before).

But no going back this time.

I promise I will let you know what happens.

The worst thing is, I am normally a confident and independent person but this has really shaken me, so much that I have actually been to frightened to leave my flat today (yes I know I will have to get over that). When the phone rings it makes me jump because I think its him.

cut yourself some slack. yes, youve taken a knock. thats what he does.
youre only human.
and weve all made innaproprite decisions when it comes to lovelives (well, i have!!).

its ok to be nervous right now. perfectly natural. you'll be fine when its all over and the dust has settled etc.

just look at the admiration youve had on here from people for getting yourself out now. you should be congratulating yourself, not berating yourself.

right calm down you can do this rememebr you're a strong independant lady. keep to your guns, you know you're doing the right thing, just keeping saying that, if/when he tries to charm you remember no I will not stand for it.

it's easy for us as we're not with you, but we're all behind you in spirit. also make sure that you keep the doors all locked up incase someone else lets him into your building.

agree witht eh other posters re the ending it thing - jsut a thought but in a public place is prob much better than in your flat, as then it won't feel like he's invading your space iycwim, but make sure your friends are sat on the next table.

Thanks again everyone.

Doors are very firmly locked!

I did think that doing it in a public space would be better even maybe by phone. He hasn't even responded to my text of course.

Now I just want the bext couple of days to be over with, really, try and get back to some sense of normality.

I've just picked up on this thread and want to wish you bags of luck Vee. I really mean it when I say that I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

You are soooo doing the right thing! This guy sounds terrifying. It also looks as if he is testing your reaction. How on earth could his rape comment be construed as anything other than an attempt to scare and control you? Is he insane if he thinks he can say something like this as a quip? It's on a par with "I'll kill myself if you leave me". It also sounds as if he's laying the foundations for a relationship that can only ever exist on his worrying terms. My God, how many other women has he said that to and how many of them lived in fear too?

Good on you for not being intimidated enough to put up with it. There's nothing wrong ith feeling scared right now but the main thing is that you find strength in that fear. Make a clean break and don't hesitate to call friends, Women's Aid or even 999 if you even so much as sniff trouble. You deserve nothing less than the best for yourself and your ds.

Coo, I'll leave you alone now. Try to relax a little and make sure you keep us posted. I'm sure that we'll all do everything we can to help.

Sx

Ah. He's got my message and is trying to contact me.I am ignoring the phone. I am torn between ringing him to get it over with or leaving it until my friends get here.

This is ridiculous. I can't even make a simple decision for fear of what might happen.

Leave it til your friends are there. If he comes round you are all alone.
Pretend your phone battery ran out or something and turn it off.

agree with bom turn the phone off, but tell your EP that it's off- incsae DS needs you.

can you stay with a friend tonight so as you're not home and have something else to focus on until tomorrow?

it's not rediculas (sp) at all - it's you being sensible and protecting you and your son .

Vee, really really feel for you at the mo. I used to work for a support group for women experiencing domestic violence, and plenty of smart, intelligent women get caught up with the wrong bloke, so don't blame yourself!
You may be able to get a restraining order aginst him, which would be a good thing?
Can you go and stay at a friends tonight, if only to get away from the phone? Ask someone to pick you up, or get a taxi, don't walk from your flat alone.
I'm sure you'll be fine, sounds like you've made the right decision early on, I really hope it all works out for you.

My XP has my home phone number if anything happened to my DS so am not worried about that.

I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my flat (too nervous)and there isn't really anywhere I can go to. Well my friends Aunt lives just up the road but I don't know her and I'm sure she wouldn't want some woman shes never met turn up on her doorstep!

I do have friends but no-one really close I could go and stay with here.

I mean, I feel cocooned and safe here - does that sound silly?

At a push I could go to XP who lives 10 minutes away but his new girlfriend lives with him and I don't think she'd be too thrilled.

Bloody hell

i think, if possible, doing it in a public place is a good idea. not only is it safer, but you can control the ending of it, cos you can get up and leave.

again, sounds obvious, but after trying to cajole you back,he may try insulting you. don't respond angrily. if he says "youre ugly anyway..." or anything like that, hes trying to get a response, an emotional one. once you give him that he's won a round.

stay calm. keep doors locked and don't answer to him, but, also, don't panic. statistically, the vast majority of threatening and controlling men don't actually get physical.

I'm sure she would understand under the circumstances. Surely???

Hope it goes well tomorrow. Have you on watch so I can check.

Don't worry, if you feel safe at your flat then that's great! You could ring your local police station (not 999!) and ask to speak to their domestic violence officer and explain the situation. You could even give them his name, if he has previous convictions then they may warn you of this, or they will just be aware of situation if you need to conatct them again.

vee - better to pee off your ex's new girlfriend if you are very worried. She'd get over it. Wishing you all the best for tomorrow. Hold your nerve.