This is an abusive relationship, isn't it?

[veeworried]

I am a regular poster who has changed my name and I hope anyone who reads this will understand why.

Basically I've been seeing a man for about 5 months now. Recently his behaviour has been very disturbing. There have been comments and behviour which made me think..that's wierd, or that's wrong but I rationalised them away - fairly mild stuff like critcising my appearance or my flat wasn't tidy enough. More fool me.

Well this all came to a head last weekend when he told me quite categorically that he had raped an ex girlfriend who tried to split up with. He was at my flat when this happened and we were on our own - I was horrified and very scared. He talked me round somehow and then the rest of the weekend was normal.

I have avoided him all week by pretending to be ill but the truth is I really don't want to see him again and want to split up but I'm so scared he will do the same thing to me. At the same time I feel guilty because he isn't always this awful person and I think about the lovely times we have had.

I'm very confused and scared but know win my heart what has to be done. But how do I get the strength to do it?

Thanks anyone who has read through that.

not at all, agree with mae. ignore him totally tonight. would be wise to talk to your local police person as well as then they'd be aware of a potential situation.

does the man know the code to the door etc.

if by some chance you do talk to him before tomorrow with your friends being there then keep everything calm. do not rise to anything he says. try if possible to keep a steady voice and let your streghts shine thru.

"I'm sure she would understand under the circumstances. Surely??? "

I'm sure she would, but it's more that I feel safer staying in my flat right now, that's all. Hope that doesn't sound I don't mean it to.

I agree with telling police now, before anything kicks off, then he can't say you are making it up.

Fair enough. It's nice to feel safe in your home. Curl up with a dvd and chocs, and turn main lights out. Then you can say you were out or asleep or something.

yes if you feel safe there than stop there. hopefully there's a good flick on and a nice box of chocs/buscuits in the cupboard. roll on tomorrow

I meant, sound rude...sorry.

don't sweat it. will watch out for you tomorrow (god that sounds stalkerish! lol) good luck thou if i'm not on tomorrow before you end things. you'll do fine.

have a nice relaxing bath now and then watch a bad dvd and try to get some rest.

Hmmm..I've been mainlining the chocs all day. I am listening to music now to try and distract myself.

Thanks everyone, am going to try and wind down for tonight. I promise to keep you all updated.

Good Luck Vee.

BTW my local domestic violence project (run by the refuge) were happy to see me and counsel me, they had heard it all before, I thought no one would take such minor stuff seriously but they know the signs just like you and I and were just impressed that I got out when I did.

They will provide assistance if you want it - a hotline to the police in case he comes round, etc. so don't be afraid to ask their help and advice. It really is abuse, and everyone trained to recognise such will totally see it. So don't feel unsure of your instinct there are lots of us been there and we know how scary these idiots are.

Oh - and I did it on the phone, if that helps!

weeworried - I hope things are ok today and that the chat goes well.

I think you are brilliant and v brave getting out now- it's hard to do as he sounds like a frightening man but really important and I hope it's all gone/it all goes well. Good luck.

how are you today vee? did you get some rest?

Hope you are OK vw. Did you manage to get some sleep? At least by the end of today you can begin to rebuild your life without him - good luck and take care.

X

Thank you all again and flightattendant that sounds very familiar.

Well, texted me last night being all sweet and charming? What's wrong, I really want to see you, that kind of thing.

Against my better jedugement I responded (via text) and told him that I was not happy and wanted to split up, straight away it came back is this because of Saturday? I said yes. To cut a long story short he tried to justify it and I made it clear that I wasn't going to change my mind.

I know this might sound very brave but so much easier to do this via text.

He signed off saying 'OK - I understand'.

Whether he will leave it there I do not know. I bet he thinks I don't really mean it and he can talk me round.

I'm glad I did it but am still feeling quite nervous and jumpy.

Yes, I did manage to get some sleep last night btw just because I was so exhausted. I feel much more rested today.

Well at least your friends are coming in case he bugs you.
Glad he seemed to accept it and hope he leaves you alone now.

yes at least it's done now hopefully you won't see him again but your friends are there anyhow lets hope you don't have any trouble from him.

I hope so too. Thank you for all your support

I just wanted to add an update.

My friends arrived and persuaded me to go to the police and report this as an incident. They were really helpful and took me seriously for which I'm very grateful. They told me what to do if he tries to come round which I'm worried he will.

This all feels very surreal and I'm still scared and nervous as he texted me again, wanting to know why I am treating him like this. I know its ridiculous but this is making me feel really guilty.

I'm right not to respond aren't I?

Definitely dont the right thing. Dont reply. Can you get the mobile phone company to block his number?

Don't respond. Either buy a new SIM card or go to your contract provider and explain the situation so you can get a new number.

END IT ENTIRELY!

I don't want to scare you but most stalkers are former partners/boyfriend/girlfriends.

So do yourself a favour and NO more contact.

Onwards and upwards.