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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sponger with red flags?

166 replies

amylou1805 · 01/07/2019 21:07

We’ve been together for a few months now, he comes to mine because he still lives with his parents, I provide the food because I do a food shop (live alone) if we go to the shop for food for tea he’ll never offer to pay even though we’ve specifically gone to the shop for both of our teas, on numerous occasions if we’ve gone out anywhere he’ll have “forgotten his wallet” so I’ve had to pay. I don’t want him to buy me things, I’m independent, I enjoy paying for myself but am I being over the top thinking he should at least remember his wallet when we go out?! I feel like he’s either doing it on purpose or he genuinely forgets it (also he doesn’t actually have a job so there is that) I’ve never said anything because I don’t know how too but it’s starting to annoy me now!

The controlling thing stems from a few things that I think are red flags like me not being allowed on my phone in his company because it’ll start an argument (literally just checking my phone or replying to text I wouldn’t go on it for a long time anyway) me not being allowed to post pictures of myself on social media because he thinks men will speak to me, if he snaps at me for being too loud (like putting away plates in the kitchen) I’ll just brush it off but if I snap at him it’ll cause a massive argument which stems into him telling me I never listen to anything he says and if I try and fight my corner in the argument he says I’m interrupting him (even when it’s clear the sentence has finished) he goes on and repeats the same thing in ever argument I start to forget what he’s saying because it all merges into one.. is this me being a dick? Writing this out I sound so stupid but even things like if we do things differently he gets annoyed or if I recommend a way of doing something and it works he doesn’t like it or gets annoyed too, I just feel like maybe I’m not putting in enough effort or maybe I’m not listening enough like he says I just don’t know

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 01/07/2019 21:12

Blimey! what joy are you getting out of being with this freeloading controlling twat?

KeepFuckingOff · 01/07/2019 21:15

Didn’t even get to the end. BIN BIN BIN BIN 🗑 ⬅️ Here use mine.

amylou1805 · 01/07/2019 21:17

It sounds terrible but he makes me feel good about myself, tells me I’m beautiful and I’m perfect, I do like his company but there’s this snappy argumentative side to him which comes out 40% of our time and I’m not a confrontational person so it’s even harder to deal with

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 01/07/2019 21:18

What a twat! No job, doesn't pay for stuff, conveniently forgets his wallet Hmm lives with his parents, controls your social media posts and blows up at noise. Ditch!

PrawnoftheShed · 01/07/2019 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluebutterfly90 · 01/07/2019 21:21

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
Aside from the fact that he has been sponging off of you, he's controlling and doesn't let you on your phone or post pictures on social media. That's insane, he has no right to tell you what you can do with your own time.
Relationships are supposed to be 50:50 and this one doesn't seem like that at all.

TurboTeddy · 01/07/2019 21:21

A few months......

He's sponging off you, controlling and unwilling to hear your point of view without starting an argument.

You seem to think you need to do better or try harder because he treats you poorly so you may need to work on your self esteem.

Get rid of him you deserve better.

Get rid of him.

yelloweyedtiger · 01/07/2019 21:23

He sounds like a top guy, keep hold of him 😂

TurboTeddy · 01/07/2019 21:25

"he makes me feel good about myself, tells me I’m beautiful and I’m perfect,"

He treats you badly much of the time but when you please him he compliments you. He's training you to please him. You are essentially donating your self esteem to his ego and waiting for a refund that will never come.

FaithInfinity · 01/07/2019 21:25

Run like the wind!

You’re perfect yet he can’t stop criticising you?! He sounds vile.

Herocomplex · 01/07/2019 21:26

There’s a lovely phrase right at the beginning of your post where you say ‘I’m independent, I enjoy paying for myself’ Find a man who thinks the same about himself, because for some reason the ‘man’ you’re with doesn’t respect that at all. Be free, you’re worth more than this.

Lllot5 · 01/07/2019 21:26

Wanker. Dump him.
I can’t think why you wouldn’t.

MonkeyTrap · 01/07/2019 21:27

All sounds very heavy for such a short relationship.

Chocmallows · 01/07/2019 21:27

Turbo has nailed it, he's training you. Run!

NotStayingIn · 01/07/2019 21:29

he tells me I’m beautiful and I’m perfect

Never go by what someone tells you when you first meet them. Go by their actions. Based on his actions I would run a mile.

TeaForTheWin · 01/07/2019 21:29

Bigtime narcissist alert lol.

Run, run for your liiiiiiife! xD
No, seriously though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2019 21:30

amylou

This man was never yours to rescue and or save.

Ditch this awful freeloader controlling manchild now before you become further emotionally abused. Words are cheap OP; its actions that count.

What attracted you to him in the first place?. I can see what the attractions are for him most certainly but you?. Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Did your dad treat your mother like this for instance?

CheeseToastieAndABrew · 01/07/2019 21:30

Cocklodger, sponging arsehole!

🏃‍♂️

cakeandchampagne · 01/07/2019 21:32

Is this your first abusive relationship?
End it before it gets worse.

amylou1805 · 01/07/2019 21:34

Turbo, that’s exactly what it is! If we hadn’t argued or if we’d just had a normal day he would say things like “you’ve been a good girl today haven’t you?” And I would just be like “haha suppose, don’t really know what you mean” but it makes sense now.

I do have low self esteem.

I can’t even think about what attracted me to him apart from maybe his looks, I knew this relationship wasn’t normal but I’ve never had any good role model relationships to look up too and I’ve only ever had one serious relationship previously.

Thank you all for the confirmation, I just feel fucking stupid tbh.

OP posts:
Whereissummerthisyear · 01/07/2019 21:34

Why doesn’t he have a job?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 01/07/2019 21:35

Of course you're perfect to him - a perfect doormat with an ever open purse!

VixenSixen · 01/07/2019 21:36

I read this and I couldn't see what this guy was bringing to this relationship...... No job, controlling behaviour, lets you pay for everything but not getting out his wallet.... Once or twice you could forgive but he is Royally taking the piss out of you and you are letting him do so.

Leave this man before he becomes entrenched in your life and your self esteem is so shredded that you'll never get away.

What we choose to ignore in the beginning is what ends a relationship in the end, you need to run away as fast as you can and don't stop!!

TeaForTheWin · 01/07/2019 21:37

Did your dad treat your mother like this for instance? seriously... … these sorts of people are experts at finding a persons weakness and you don't have to have some disordered past to attract them.

Fyi, normally it is chemistry that draws you to them.

AloneLonelyLoner · 01/07/2019 21:38

The red flags are waving so wildly it's like a communist party rally in Soviet Russia.

Glad you are seeing the light on this asshat OP. I've had one of these and he is indeed training you. What a knobend. Run like the wind that's blowing those flags!

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