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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sponger with red flags?

166 replies

amylou1805 · 01/07/2019 21:07

We’ve been together for a few months now, he comes to mine because he still lives with his parents, I provide the food because I do a food shop (live alone) if we go to the shop for food for tea he’ll never offer to pay even though we’ve specifically gone to the shop for both of our teas, on numerous occasions if we’ve gone out anywhere he’ll have “forgotten his wallet” so I’ve had to pay. I don’t want him to buy me things, I’m independent, I enjoy paying for myself but am I being over the top thinking he should at least remember his wallet when we go out?! I feel like he’s either doing it on purpose or he genuinely forgets it (also he doesn’t actually have a job so there is that) I’ve never said anything because I don’t know how too but it’s starting to annoy me now!

The controlling thing stems from a few things that I think are red flags like me not being allowed on my phone in his company because it’ll start an argument (literally just checking my phone or replying to text I wouldn’t go on it for a long time anyway) me not being allowed to post pictures of myself on social media because he thinks men will speak to me, if he snaps at me for being too loud (like putting away plates in the kitchen) I’ll just brush it off but if I snap at him it’ll cause a massive argument which stems into him telling me I never listen to anything he says and if I try and fight my corner in the argument he says I’m interrupting him (even when it’s clear the sentence has finished) he goes on and repeats the same thing in ever argument I start to forget what he’s saying because it all merges into one.. is this me being a dick? Writing this out I sound so stupid but even things like if we do things differently he gets annoyed or if I recommend a way of doing something and it works he doesn’t like it or gets annoyed too, I just feel like maybe I’m not putting in enough effort or maybe I’m not listening enough like he says I just don’t know

OP posts:
thebogwitchisback · 02/07/2019 10:21

Anyone who spoke to me like that in front of my daughter would be history. Not a chance in hell he'd be seeing me again.
Bin him off. Don't allow this man in your child's life.
He's disgusting. She doesn't need to watch her mother being treated like shit, early relationships are so important. She will model your behaviour. Be an example to her and don't let this nasty arsehole darken your door again.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 02/07/2019 10:24

Get rid of him, today. Dont reply to his begging messages and threaten him with the police if he turns up at your door and wont leave. You dont have to put up with this so dont anymore x

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2019 10:25

Are you going to end it?

amylou1805 · 02/07/2019 10:29

That’s exactly why I was pushed to write this, I hadn’t being subjected to arguing parents as a child so I 100% don’t want that for her, especially as it’s a man who’s not even her father.

I will be most certainly leaving him, I just need to keep reminding myself why, I find it hard and I crumble very easily.

Thank you 💜

OP posts:
amylou1805 · 02/07/2019 10:29

*hated

OP posts:
Coop14 · 02/07/2019 10:33

Hes using you and enjoying the power trip by building you up and then controlling behaviour. He sounds dangerous. Get out now x

viques · 02/07/2019 10:36

i just need to keep reminding myself why

Just look at your daughter. Imagine her life with him as her step father, walking on eggshells, unable to express an opinion, shouted at, listening to you being verbally abused, thinking that that is how relationships should be....... I think that will help you to remember why you should dump him. Today. Now. Just do it.

sleepwhenimred · 02/07/2019 10:37

OP this is awful. If he is like this after only a few months imagine how terrible things would be in a few years. You and your daughter deserve better than this.

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 10:43

you can shout at me all you want but please not while she’s here

OP, why are you giving permission or him to shout at you? You deserve not to be shouted at just as much as your daughter.

And please don't subject yourself and your dd to him anymore. He is abusive, leave him.

HavelockVetinari · 02/07/2019 10:45

Oh blimey OP please protect your poor DD from this vile man - you're her mother, it's your job to look out for her and model what a healthy relationship looks like.

You've described enough red flags to make bunting, get rid of him.

SpitefulBreasts · 02/07/2019 10:45

I'm so glad that you've realised that's it's not you, it's him, he's an abusive dickhead.
Try and stay strong and don't let him back into your life, keep looking at your daughter and remembering how you felt as a child when your stepdad treated your mother badly.
Best of luck and please try and stick to your very wise decision to end it with him.

peaceand · 02/07/2019 10:46

When dating I think if a man isn't good enough to be around my child then why would I allow him round me?...
why are you and your child different? You both deserve love, respect and calm.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 02/07/2019 10:54

You describe enough red flags to make bunting

^^
This. You can do better than him!

Beechview · 02/07/2019 10:56

You and your daughter deserve so much better.
He is a vile man and shouldn’t be in your life. Get rid of him and work on your self esteem. Though I’m sure it’ll improve as soon as he’s not belittling and shouting at you.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 02/07/2019 10:57

If we hadn’t argued or if we’d just had a normal day he would say things like “you’ve been a good girl today haven’t you?”

UGH UGH UGH VOM. That is repulsive. My skin is crawling. What a horrible arrogant controlling tosspot loser.

You've got to stiffen your resolve. Send him one of the texts upthread and then block him on everything. Delete all of his contact details. If you think you might weaken, make it as hard as humanly possible for him to contact you or vice versa.

Please do the Freedom Programme online and consider some counselling to help you build your own self esteem and boundaries, because sadly abusers like this one can smell vulnerability and it's catnip to them.

Stumpedasatree · 02/07/2019 11:04

Er no, he should not be shouting at you in front on your daughter and NO FUCKING WAY should he be shouting at you all he wants when she is NOT THERE. Get rid of him ASAP please. Your daughter should never ever have to see him again.

So sorry for shouting. You and your daughter are worth so much more.

Ilovemylabrador · 02/07/2019 11:15

Everything you have typed is awful. What an awful awful abusive man . If he has a key, don’t rely on him returning it - get the locks changed. Drop all his stuff back to his Mother’s. Don’t apologise just text and say ‘our relationship is over. I do not like behaviour and it is not ever going to work for me. There is no reason to contact me all your stuff if back at your parents house. Don’t contact me again - I find your behaviour unacceptable and abusive’ then block and delete. Any further comms from him don’t reply if you get more than 4 comms contact the police - done’

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2019 11:30

My mum & real dad never had a great relationship but it was never abusive more just arguments but I had a stepdad from the ages of 9-14 and he was a vile control freak and I noticed things he would say/do to my mum and that’s how I thought “fuck is this happening to me” and I just needed outsiders views on it.

This is why I asked you about what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. We learn about relationships from our parents and you did not see any good examples from those above relationships.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. The fact too that you stated to him, "you can shout at me all you want but please not while she’s here" is itself very worrying and indicative of poor boundaries. This is where Womens Aid's Freedom Programme would be able to help you going forward so you are enabled to make better relationship decisions.

Please enrol yourself onto this programme and send this individual a text using the words others have written for you to use.
You do not need such an abuser in your life and nor for that matter does your daughter.

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 02/07/2019 11:36

Your early posts were bad but the shouting in front of your daughter had my heart pounding. Get away. Far away. He’s not a safe person to be around.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/07/2019 11:39

Come on OP, you can do far better than this controlling, sponging idiot! Bin him off asap. You recognise you need to work on your self esteem, so as a first step, get rid of this loser and you'll feel a whole lot better for it.

MustardScreams · 02/07/2019 11:44

Eurgh get him in the bin.

Your dd is utterly innocent in this and doesn’t deserve to be scared, frightened or upset in her own home. You are her safe place, don’t fuck that up. Get bloody rid.

MzHz · 02/07/2019 11:47

Oh wow! What he’s done now in these last couple of posts? It’s utterly revolting! How DARE he treat you like that? How DARE he do that to your daughter?

Make sure you never see him again, that your daughter never ever sees you suffer abuse like that.

He’s so bad he is dangerous, open your eyes and get rid of him today. Right. Now.

theorchidwhisperer · 02/07/2019 12:22

RUN, quickly in the opposite direction.

Seriously, too many early warning signs. Get our graciously while you can with minimal complications (children).

Fireandflames666 · 02/07/2019 12:28

Trust your instincts and bin him.

theorchidwhisperer · 02/07/2019 12:29

I've just read your update.

Do not link your life in any way with this man. Do not enter into negotiations, you will lose.
The red flags of potential abuse are huge, please don't get into a complicated relationship with this person. The mental fall out is devastating especially for your daughter.

Please run while you can.

Just say you are not looking for a relationship at all until much later in life. Wish him well and block his number.

You can't discuss anything with someone who is always right. Because you will always always be wrong. You can't talk them into changing because they are already right and you are wrong. It just doesn't work.

Getting out now will save you so much heartache and psychological damage in the future.

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