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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sponger with red flags?

166 replies

amylou1805 · 01/07/2019 21:07

We’ve been together for a few months now, he comes to mine because he still lives with his parents, I provide the food because I do a food shop (live alone) if we go to the shop for food for tea he’ll never offer to pay even though we’ve specifically gone to the shop for both of our teas, on numerous occasions if we’ve gone out anywhere he’ll have “forgotten his wallet” so I’ve had to pay. I don’t want him to buy me things, I’m independent, I enjoy paying for myself but am I being over the top thinking he should at least remember his wallet when we go out?! I feel like he’s either doing it on purpose or he genuinely forgets it (also he doesn’t actually have a job so there is that) I’ve never said anything because I don’t know how too but it’s starting to annoy me now!

The controlling thing stems from a few things that I think are red flags like me not being allowed on my phone in his company because it’ll start an argument (literally just checking my phone or replying to text I wouldn’t go on it for a long time anyway) me not being allowed to post pictures of myself on social media because he thinks men will speak to me, if he snaps at me for being too loud (like putting away plates in the kitchen) I’ll just brush it off but if I snap at him it’ll cause a massive argument which stems into him telling me I never listen to anything he says and if I try and fight my corner in the argument he says I’m interrupting him (even when it’s clear the sentence has finished) he goes on and repeats the same thing in ever argument I start to forget what he’s saying because it all merges into one.. is this me being a dick? Writing this out I sound so stupid but even things like if we do things differently he gets annoyed or if I recommend a way of doing something and it works he doesn’t like it or gets annoyed too, I just feel like maybe I’m not putting in enough effort or maybe I’m not listening enough like he says I just don’t know

OP posts:
cinders15 · 03/07/2019 18:10

Another poster had this problem
Her decision was

am going to text him and say, "I've been having a think and I'm not ready for anything serious at the moment. Enjoyed spending time with you. Take care x" ? Then block.

She then blocked him on everything - phone, WhatsApp, FB etc

He used a mates phone to ring her (it was a number she didn't know) and didn't answer

She said she had locked all doors, windows etc and if he came to her door would say she would ring police and then do so as she didn't want him to wheedle round her

Do that Thanks

HawkingEmma · 03/07/2019 18:18

”please please don’t raise your voice in front of her (my daughter) she’s never ever been around this you can shout at me all you want but please not while she’s here”

Why are you giving him permission to shout at you, anyway? Especially over bacon! Yes, people have disagreements in relationships but you don’t yell at one another. Don’t give him, or anyone actually, permission like that.
Also, he’s complimenting you just enough to keep you sweet. He’s doing nothing more than throwing you some scraps while you accept his disgraceful behaviour. He’s a bully and this will go beyond verbal.

Love yourself as much as you expect someone else to love you and sack the scrote off.

Bouldghirl · 03/07/2019 18:19

I’m not sure if I’m missing something here. I got two lines into the OP and was horrorstruck. Looking through the other postings it doesn’t look like I was alone. “I knew this relationship wasn’t normal” - bloody hell, you aren’t wrong! Please, please walk away and do NOT look back. If you need help it will readily be available. You deserve better.

Lemonlady22 · 03/07/2019 22:24

im surprised he hasnt moved himself in....thank goodness he hasnt...get rid...NO MAN in your life is better than a SHIT MAN!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 03/07/2019 22:47

It's really sad that you think it'll be hard to move on from this awful man. Please try and find some happiness in other aspects of your life, because it must be miserable if you'd accept such awful treatment!

Also echoing recommendations of the Freedom Programme. Do it in person and do it soon.

Walkacrossthesand · 03/07/2019 22:54

Look at it this way, too - if you annoy him so much, surely the only logical thing to do is to break up? What right-minded person would want to be in a relationship with someone who annoyed them? Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to please someone if the way you are isn't acceptable to them!

Of course, we all know that abusive people enjoy the shouting and controlling - but if you don't enjoy being on the receiving end Confusedthen the relationship isn't for you, and it's you that ends it.

PersonaNonGarter · 03/07/2019 23:03

OP, please keep posting, even if you’ve let him back. These abusers are a hard habit to kick - that’s part of the abuse.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 03/07/2019 23:07

I would put every penny I have that this man will become more controlling and will also be violent. 100% certainty of that.

Knittedfairies · 03/07/2019 23:15

They are not just red flags; that's a whole Communist parade in Red Square. Get rid OP. Get rid.

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/07/2019 23:19

It sounds terrible but he makes me feel good about myself, tells me I’m beautiful and I’m perfect,

It's feast and famine . He is controlling you .

Starlight456 · 03/07/2019 23:27

Twice he has met your dd , twice behaved appallingly.
This is modelling relationships is all I will say.

Your low self esteem will never improve with this man.

happybunny007 · 03/07/2019 23:29

He’s met your daughter twice and both times he ended up shouting at you? Fucking hell you are well rid!

When you think about it, of you start a thread on Mumsnet and your summary is ‘sponger with red flags’ that means you know the answer yourself really, doesn’t it? Smile

SimplySteveRedux · 04/07/2019 00:04

We learn our relationship boundaries from our parents, and our children learn from us. As Jaffa writes there is plenty of evidence of how witnessing abuse as a child affects the malleable, developing brain. As this twunt is unpredictable each time your DD witnesses it her HPA axis will fire, and as she cannot fight, or flee, she will simply freeze. Over a short amount of time, her HPA axis will fire often dousing with inflammatory chemicals like cortisol. Chronic Unpredictable Toxic Stress predisposes to anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, autoimmune conditions and heart disease. This man is not a good fit, and it's fantastic you're seeing this, for both your, and your daughters sakes.

Dramaofallama · 04/07/2019 00:04

Get rid OP, I know it is difficult at first but in the long run you will realise how toxic he is and how better off you are without him.

I am saying this because I could have written this about my ex! He started off perfect and to the end would always compliment me ect, but it was all a smoke screen to keep me in line. Build them up and knock them down thinking.

My ex when angry would repeatedly tell me that if I only 'just listened to him' then he wouldnt get angry at me!
Funnily enough he also blew up on me once when I asked him how he wanted his poultry cooked! Ww3 erupted because I dared to ask him.
The longer you are with him the more he will worm his way in and tear you down and the harder it will be to leave.

girlofthenorth · 04/07/2019 08:30

wow OP you sound like a nice person .
I wouldn't let anyone speak to me like that, even if my kids weren't around . Get rid before he manages to wheedle in and control you forever!

amylou1805 · 09/07/2019 18:41

Hi everyone, so it’s been over a week since I updated, I told him everything that was wrong I told him he was trying to control me and I didn’t like it, I just mentioned a few bits of what everyone said (I didn’t mention the money thing because it embarrasses me) but the controlling behaviour stuff was enough. He basically completely ignored everything I said and again just tried to blame me pushing him to snap etc, anyway for some reason he managed to persuade me to let him come round (my daughter wasn’t here, I told him he would never see her in risk of him raising his voice around her) anyway he came round and he was being normal and jokey, but it got to about half 9 at night and he made a joke about where he was going to cum in my mouth or on my feet and I laughed and said nowhere, and he looked at me so I said “don’t get pissed off” and he went “pissed off at what” so I said I’m not in the mood to do anything and he literally wouldn’t speak to me all night because of it hahahahhaha I’m laughing to myself because I can’t believe what an actual stupid women I am, he genuinely was pissed off because I didn’t want to suck him off and when I asked why that pissed him off the next day he said “because if you weren’t on your period we’d be having sex so why can’t you suck me off on your period if you know we’d be having sex” I think this is the first time I’ve refused to do anything so that’s why he’s pissed off but still I couldn’t actually believe it, so after he left I told him I didn’t want this anymore and said I was going to block him, which I did, I’m just hoping I don’t give in due to loneliness and unblock him, thank you all for your advice I’ve appreciated it so much

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 09/07/2019 18:59

Please don’t unblock him.

Isthisit22 · 09/07/2019 19:03

Well done Op. Please get some counselling or try the freedom course as I am appalled by what you've put up with from this man.
He talks to you like you are rubbish.
You are worth so much more than this Flowers

AnneKipanki · 09/07/2019 19:09

Do not have him round .
Get rid .

bluejelly · 09/07/2019 19:12

There are MUCH nicer people to spend your life with OP, I promise.

Steer clear of anyone who criticises you (or your daughter) and you will find happiness much quicker. Don't settle for this toe rag, be strong!

Jaxinthebox · 09/07/2019 19:29

keep him blocked -on everything and please get yourself on the freedom programme with Womens Aid. It will help you see and be able to identify and be strong enough to keep people like him away from you and your daughter.

Good on you for getting rid of him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/07/2019 19:43

What an unpleasant specimen he turned out to be

For you op Thanks

RonniePasas · 09/07/2019 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 09/07/2019 21:13

That's amazing news OP!!! I'm so pleased you ended it and blocked him. If you are ever feeling like unblocking him, please just re read this thread and remind yourself why.

Going in a strop because you wouldnt suck his dick on demand? What an entitled, immature, misogynistic prick!!!

Another reason NEVER to unblock is that men like this hold grudges and it is very likely he will want to suck you back in to punish you at a later date. You will have caused a huge narcissistic injury by dumping him and trust me, he will want to get even.

Keep him blocked and never ever look back.

I'm saying this from bitter experience.

orangesun35 · 09/07/2019 21:16

Read all theses messages .everyone is not wrong. What a arsehole he is.taking advantage of you and well he knows it.if you stay with this man you will be seriously unhappy .what a out and out twat .hes very controlling.they look for people’s weakness.get rid you won’t regret it .

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