@LooUpdate
Thought I'd also add my thoughts on performance anxiety, given I suffer from it. Personally I don't like to term it erectile dysfunction, as I see it as something separate. There's nothing physically wrong with me. But unfortunately my mind likes to overthink things at the most inopportune moments.
Importantly from your perspective, it might be tough, but try not to see it as any reflection what so ever on yourself, apart from the fact that actually he is most likely quite into you. Personally, if I'm with someone I really like, I get a little voice in the back of my head which says 'don't screw this up now' repeatedly and end up overthinking things. If I'm on a ONS however, I'm much more relaxed and there is no issue. Also, if I got the impression that me suffering from performance anxiety was seen by the person I'm with as a reflection on them, there was little hope for me after that as I would go into a downwards spiral of anxiety.
Certainly don't ditch him if it happens again. What I would find is that the second time I had sex with someone after suffering from performance anxiety the first time, it was guaranteed to happen as the anxiety would be huge the second time. It wasn't until we'd been together a few times that I was able to start relaxing and getting over it.
In terms of what helps, here is what I've found:
- Viagra. I'd been too embarrassed about it initially to do anything as constructive as going to a doctor which was stupid, but when Viagra got turned into an over the counter drug I bought some online. And it worked brilliantly. Even if I've been drinking, if I know that if I take a pill within 30 minutes there will be no issue. Often means that I can take one and then immediately stop worrying, removing the issue entirely.
- Having a viagra on me/too hand but not actually taking it. Knowing that I've got a backup incase I have any issues arise relaxes me a lot meaning that I don't worry at all about it.
- Talking about it with the person I'm with. Explaining that its 100% me and my mental block, that I can work through it but that putting any pressure on me just makes things worse helps
- Talking about it with friends. Took me a while to summon up the courage to this one, but rose it with a very trusted friend recently who it turns out also suffers from it. Just knowing that actually it is way more common than you think helps massively as a large part of the anxiety stems from the fear that it is just you who suffers from this.
Unfortunately, most of those are things that he has to take upon himself. From the woman's perspective, the most important thing is to try and avoid turning it into a bigger issue than it is (which I appreciate can be difficult). But hopefully the following helps:
- Firstly, recognise that performance anxiety is far more likely to occur when someone is emotionally invested in you.
- Secondly, never put any pressure on someone suffering from it for them to get an erection in the here and now. Its fine (and helpful to discuss afterwards what the issues are, but in the moment, if its not happening, don't say something like 'is it because you're not attracted to me, or something similar, will just compound the problem).
- Thirdly, recognise that if they are taking a tablet for it, it is simply to get around any mental block they may have. It isn't the case that if you take viagra you get an erection 30 minutes later that lasts for a couple of hours. If I were to take viagra and then go and do something everyday I wouldn't get an erection full stop. I still need to be sexually attracted to someone/sexually stimulated to get an erection.
- Finally, talk about it. Note that you understand, its not a big problem at all, you're happy for him to deal with it how he sees best, that you recognise that as he becomes more comfortable/relaxed with you it will naturally go away etc
Unfortunately performance anxiety is something which is way more common that people think. And once it creeps up on you, its incredibly hard to shrug off as it will keep coming back to haunt you.