Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Don't you also get a notification on okc if you've both liked each others profile?

Feeling a bit un nerved. Just went on POF and clicked on the “people nearby” as I do most evenings and it comes up with my last iron (one who drank all my rum for those who remember) showing up as 1 mile away. He lives around 30 miles away, I now feel odd that he’s possibly outside my house or very close by. I know I’m probably being paranoid but I live in the middle of nowhere so 1 mile is nothing.

Almost had a date lined up with a new iron but then he slagged off all my hobbies and told me he was fat and couldn’t do most of the things I enjoy doing.

lovemusic wow, why would someone try to woo you by essentially snagging you AND themselves off? Sounds unhinged. Bullet dodged.

Slagging

shit, no, not that one thank god. The one I dated quite a few times then when he met my kids he decided to down a bottle of my rum. God, I have had some shit irons, I think I called him Mr Dog? I showed him a secret place near by that he fell in love with, I’m guessing he may be visiting that place as he said he would like to take his mate their. Hopefully he’s not stalking me, I’m just over thinking things.

Yes I remember Mr Dog. It is probably a glitch with pof, I remember in a previous thread someone's irons all appeared to be descending on her (like zombies) but it was a glitch with her dating app.

How many irons is enough? Just for information in the future....

Well apparently I've had over 80 'likes' on Ok Cupid but no messages. Story of my life 😂

@Sunshineandflipflops it's a numbers game. How come you don't like messaging first?

That was me @StealthNinjaMum. I thought Mr U was on tinder in my house as he was apparently 1k away. But then I randomly checked and all my matches said 1k away. He's definitely less than 1k away now 🥰

Interesting hearing about POF saying online when not. It repeatedly said my ex iron was online and I got really narked - maybe he wasn’t at all . Still he didn’t exactly defend himself when I questioned him.

Had a fab third date with Mr Tri. Bbq at his. Couldn’t stay the night but we did spend a large part of the evening in bed . He also helped me order a load of stuff for this damn triathlon that my friends and I randomly booked on a drunken night out....

So damn true about everyone saying when it’s easy it’s easy. Last iron I remember wondering whether to message or not, worrying what he was thinking, wondering if he’d changed his mind etc etc. This one - I have absolutely none of that, feel so relaxed can say what I want, do what I want, knowing it’s fine. Very early days though so trying not to get too invested.....

@savoretti me and hairyarsedman experimented and match said he was online when he wasn't. It's in their interest to not actually match us with anyone long-term as they want repeat business!

@Peanuthedz it was you! I know you were stressed that night but it was funny.

@LooUpdate it has happened to me with each and all of my previous partners!! First time... they either couldn't perform of finish in less than a minute. I thought it was the norm!! Hahaha No problems after the first time though. It is just the nerves.

@Savoretti I am rooting for Mr Tri. I really like the more organic way of meeting people, in OLD you really have no clue who you are meeting and it is not as if they come with character references.

I arranged third date with MrCook. He is very keen and arranging next date at the end of our dates, keeping in contact daily. He wanted to cook for me at his but then said we should go out for dinner. I saw it as a good sign? (I am not ready to DTD).

I am new to this and have only met this guy, should arrange some more dates! And... is there some not written rules about progression? By date X is make or break kind of thing? I like this guy but I like to take things slow and after 2 dates he seems more invested than I am.

Alot of third and forth dates going on above. Exciting. I have forth with Mr dadbod today. Texting is very easy with him but I need to up the flirting,so lastnight I said 'night gorgeous' ( better than my usual night night!) And his reply was night my sweetheart. Aww.
He has been married twice like me and lived with a couple of others and been single a year. Chatty to pub staff which I like and not at all socially awkward. But not loud either....I'm starting to notice all these traits and I like him as a person. He is going to help me with all technology stuff. When my son finally gets the ps4 back he will help me set up the kids safe bit. I feel looked after for once!! But it's only been five days . But he is only 8 miles away so lots of opportunity to meet.
It could go tits up. Most of mine do.

The three month mark is very telling for me,my last two relationships since divorce both sort of fell apart at that stage. One pushed to move in with me as his rent contract was coming to an end and the other I couldnt cope with his seven lads hols a year that he kept booking. Was an insecure wreck. He was 53 so I thought he might want to settle down but no!!

Just thinking about the 53yr old and his trips. I booked into some counselling to try and understand my abandonment issues (which stemmed from husband having an affair), but after four sessions I decided to end them. I wasnt going to change him,not that I wanted to( I did ask if he could cut them down to four but he wouldnt) so I had to remove myself from the situation as I realised he wasnt for me. I'm not a person who goes on trips with female friends so I just didnt get it. We weren't compatible. I need more of a homebody. We do need to meet all sorts to know what we do want though. If something isnt right at the beginning it wont get better I've found

@butterflyFed no need to arrange more dates while you are happy with this one. Just go with the flow for a few more dates.

If he is getting too invested and you are not, that’s when you may naturally want to move on....

It is a minefield out there. But try to notice every little thing at the start. As @kerkyra said things that are wrong at the beginning won’t get any better. Many of us have learned that lesson the hard way..

Quick question regarding children. I would always choose a man with children so he fully understands the commitment. It doesn’t make it easy as it’s another thing to try and organise
Schedules to get time together, but at least you are on the same page.
Mr Tri has no kids and I’m a bit worried that will be the stumbling block. I guess I’m overthinking and just need to go with the flow. He knows the youngest is only 10 so I guess that’s his call to make - and he’s still here....
I am so guilty of self sabotage when it comes to relationships so I think I just need to take each day as it comes this time maybe

I wouldn't worry at this stage savoretti. If at all. A friend of mine with three children has met a man with no kids, they have moved in together and he is loving family life!

You've had a few dates now so you could always ask how he feels about it. Are you ok with me having kids? If he looks scared to death and says dating a women who has them is something he has never envisaged ,then just be aware,if he is casual and cool with it,all good.

But he already knows,so I think he wouldn't be seeing you if it was a problem

@savoretti I think some people can understand even where there are kids. One of my friends remarried a few years ago to a guy she’s met on OLD. He didn’t have kids (at the time; they have one now) but she did and it wasn’t a problem for him. He really seemed to get it from the start.

It sounds like things are going really well with MrTri. It can be hard to recognise it when you’re in the midst of OLD and it’s all so difficult (so you start settling for hard work) but it really should be easy. It is when it’s right. There may be logistical things that aren’t so straightforward (we all have complicated lives) but the actual interacting and messaging (or not) should be easy.

@kerkyra I hope the 4th date goes well. From your examples, it doesn’t sound like you have a 3 month problem. It sounds like those guys just weren’t right for you at all (and it took 3 months for that to become apparent).

@butterflyFed I agree that you should just go with it at this point. OLD might be a numbers game, but in any game of chance it is possible to win first time around. Or to win something at least. He may or may not be right for you, but you can just concentrate on finding out (since it’s going so well right now).

@Lovemusic33 I hope it was either a glitch or he was just visiting the place you showed him. You have had some dreadful irons - you deserve much better. How is your recovery going?

@Savoretti I think it depends on the man but my only experience with dating a man with no kids was that he just didn't get that I had limited child free time and couldn't be very spontaneous. It ended fairly quickly for that reason.

I also know other people who have kids and met men without and it has worked out fine.

I guess that’s my worry @Sunshineandflipflops.
However he knew what he was getting in to, so will remain positive and enjoy it for however long it lasts I guess....
As we all know there are so many setbacks and obstacles all the time who knows what is round the corner!

@LooUpdate. I hope you dont mind if I give you my perspective on the ED issue......and sorry if any of the below is too graphic or tmi.

I have always had a high sex drive & during 2 marriages over a total period of 20 years never had an issue with ED. Last 9 years since my divorce I've done quite a bit of dating & suffered ED a couple of times - and always when the pressure was on. To me ED is all in the mind & the day you mentioned that you had mapped out was just ED heaven to a mans cock. Recently I have invested in a blue pill from Boots but only because I like the hardness it gives & the fact I can go 2 or 3 times in a session.

My worse case of ED was last year when on a 2nd date (where we had discussed dtd days before) I just couldn't get erect although we were lying naked in bed together. (Although probably didnt help that she didnt like foreplay & wanted piv within 2 mins of getting into bed - whereas I love lots of oral (giving & receving) & would never usually attempt penetration until both have been pleasured first.

My main advice would be to try starting things au natural rather than scheduling or going down the predictable "dinner, sofa, TV, bed" routine. I find I am at my most horniest when it's more illicit. A snog in the car on the way back from the cinema.....start touching each other over your clothes like teenagers "making out". That way his mind wont be thinking its time for sex & natural urges should take over. If you can feel him harden through his trousers then you know he has no real problems.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Thanks crustaceans,I hadn't thought of that. You're right.they weren't for me. I suppose when you're in it,you cant see it so clearly.
The one who wanted to move in,I remember he said once ' I bet you were gorgeous when you were younger,have you any pics'.

What a prick. This thread has really helped with red flags!