Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

And Mr SAS has pissed me off by being all quiet but I have no right for him to piss me off as we are not even in a relationship. Gah.

I think it’s ok to be pissed off at MrSAS since he seems to pick and choose which aspects of a ‘relationship’ he fancies at any given time. He’s managed to book into your only available childfree time for ages (with a cinema suggestion). I don’t think that’s accidental.

I honestly don’t know how you manage not to tell him to just shit or get off the pot. I couldn’t cope with it. Even with great sex I’d be too irritated.

Since I’ve told you all the embarrassing stuff MrSG would hate anyone to know, I should also add stuff he’s very pleased about. That seems only fair. 😂 He might occasionally overthink things, but he’s totally capable of having sex 3 (or more times) in one session. And pretty regularly too.

Overt boast over. Although hopefully it gives you a bit of hope @LooUpdate. Lots of us on here have overcome initial issues to have plenty of sex.

LooUpdate sorry for slow reply, busy morning at work.
Apologies in advance for the long reply and hope I'm not oversharing
"How do men feel when this happens?" can't answer for all men but for me it depends in all honesty, if it's the first time time with somebody then others have already answered this... gutted, mortified etc.
If I've had an occasional temporary malfunction, which sometimes may just be a matter of minutes and sorted with some 'encouragement', in those cases although I may have a moment of anxiety thinking "please don't fail me now" I'm not too fussed in those situations as I know it's relatively normal. Worrying about it does not help!
"Do they realise how scary it is for the woman?" I'm well aware of the effect this can have on my partner, do they think I don't find them sexy or that I don't want to be doing it now I'm here. But it's never that!
In all honesty I had it rammed down my throat by my ex if the situation occurred after a heavy night out. I knew it was normal due to the alcohol, she took it very personally. It's probably why I have some anxiety about it now, and is something else I can thank her for.
"As a bloke, what words would you find comforting in this scenario?"
Do you know what, I'd forget about Saturday being the next chance and go with the flow. There is pressure on both of you for your 1st time dtd, it therefore needs to happen naturally not as a scheduled activity. Christ when you 1st start dating, you should be grabbing every possible opportunity and location to get it on. You're not married yet
But he needs to know that you understand that what happened is perfectly normal for a lot of men and that you actually appreciate the fact he's a bit anxious because it shows he cares about you and wants it to be right.
Do NOT do any of this by text, it needs to be discussed face to face or over the phone.
Sorry if this sounds blunt, but stop comparing him to your ex! They are two different people and even if you're not communicating any of the above to him, I'm pretty sure he's getting an inkling about how you feel if he's over analysing everything the way I would be at the moment.
And don't suggest the blue pill, unless he's very different to me that will not be a confidence booster. However, I did buy some for the first time ever when I went on our w/e away as I knew I was going to be busy and I'm not getting any younger!
None of this is anything to be ashamed about. Yes it's difficult to discuss and be open and honest about with a new partner, but if you like him and care about him as much as you say you do then you'll find a way

So 'busy' with everything for everyone else and it seems I have no life of my own at the moment.

I can relate to this. I get no real break from the DC because my ex is a dickhead abuser and he will likely never have them without supervision, and overnights are impossible anyway due to his living situation. Of course I don't resent keeping them safe and happy, and I am glad to be in a position to give them a good life, but they don't like me going out too much so I have to shoehorn my social life into small pieces here and there. I am lucky to have a good friend who will babysit but the reality is I can't date like a normal person and won't be able to for another 5-10 years at least.

I try not to dwell.

@Crustaceans I went into this (whatever 'this' is ) with my eyes wide open this time though so he's not really in the wrong here.

There is little (no) alternative anyway at the moment as Tinder hates me and I don't exactly have men lining up at my door to take me out.

I've had a rant to my friends on Whatsapp and am meeting up with one of them tonight for a moan.

I know you’ve got your eyes wide open. I still this it’s ok to be pissed off with him.

I’m glad you’re meeting a friend to moan about it all. That’ll definitely help. 😁

@Sunshineandflipflops Rants to friends are good. As well as ranting on here on Sunday over BL outstaying her welcome I had a braindump by WhatsApp with a friend who peeled me off the metaphorical ceiling and gave me the same advice "don't ruin what's left of the weekend".

Anyhoo, MrC has messaged BL and her BF. She has apologised - apparently didn't realise there was an issue even when I gave her a filthy "please fuck the fuck off now" look, yeah, of course you didn't love. Me & MrC had a very frank discussion about her in general tbh last night. I wouldn't choose her as a friend, she's a crap mum imo (and I'm pretty relaxed so that's saying something) and borderline neglectful to her kids. He actually agreed, which surprised me because I thought he'd defend her, but said me and her were so poles apart in everything he knew we'd never get on so he'd been basically waiting for the shit to hit the fan as far as she was concerned. She won't be coming around again whilst I'm there unless I agree to it. I told him not to make me bad cop in all of this and pass the responsibility policing his friendships onto me. I'm not having him or her blaming this on me. He needs to be a grown up and decide what level of contact is appropriate given he is now in a relationship and we get 1 day/2 nights a week together. He's been single for 2 years, so them hanging around all day over a weekend has been company for him I expect, but that's not going to work going forward. I think the message got through. We agreed we didn't want to fall out over it, we'd both said our piece and changed the subject.

@LooUpdate Just because you have child free time on Saturday that doesn’t mean you have to have sex with him, how do you even know if you will be up for it on Saturday? I get very little child free time that isn’t in a public space, MrNN has stayed over twice and I haven’t had sex with him, the idea of scheduling sex seems very clinical almost. Surely the purpose should be to spend time together, not do x activity? Are other sexual things okay, or has their been nothing sexual yet?

He can’t change who your ex was, so he can’t be punished for that. You need to find a way to move on from it, again, no one else can really do that for you either.

@LooUpdate ^YY to what @SimonJT says. After our first date ishoos, we planned our second date to be a nice dog walk around some local fishing villages, a bag of chips and a pint of cider. It was so much more relaxed than our first date and when he invited me back to his afterwards I said I didn't have any expectations, but a kiss and cuddle would be nice. Obviously things did progress but there was a lot less pressure iyswim. If you like him as much as you say you do (you find his looks and personality attractive which is a win/win), then you've got nothing to lose by taking things slowly. He sounds like a great guy who is lacking confidence and just needs a bit of reassurance and encouragement.

Ant Great post! Spot on with how I felt the first time I failed to launch..

JeSuis glad to hear everything worked out ok at the weekend for you, and that sounds like a very sensible conclusion to the subject.
I think you're probably right, most people are well aware when they've overstayed their welcome and make their excuses. I have one friend who does know but refuses to acknowledge it when she's had a drink, so I've always had to tell her to bugger off.

the problem was that he couldn’t believe his luck and didn’t think he could be good enough for me

I've just had a drink with him and that's what he's just said.

10+ years with a woman that wasn't interested in sex...

It's soul destroying isn't it? Really fucks up the mind.

I think you need to recognise that this is a man who was so nervous on your first date that you named him MrShakes

Yep. He's such a sweetheart though. If we managed to have sex yesterday I'd be in heaven right now planning the wedding lol.

Ha. I love it when the spam is totally ironic. I think the marriages on this thread are all way beyond saving

haha kudos to them for picking up on the key words though

Otherwise it may become a hugh issue for him

When I saw him today I mentioned an ex that had the same problem. Hope that helped him.

I’m glad you’re feeling better about it all @LooUpdate. It sounds like you are both extremely keen on each other.

That does sound like a very sensible chat @JeSuisPrest. Well done for refusing to be the friendship police.

In any case, BL sounds rubbish. I’d probably be wondering why anyone would want to hang around with her.

@Crustaceans I’d probably be wondering why anyone would want to hang around with her.

My comment to him exactly - he says she's his mate's girlfriend, she's got a bit of a sad lonely life with not many prospects of it improving any time soon and just sees MrC as a pleasant distraction to her otherwise humdrum existance. He's too kind to tell her to do one when she hangs around, inviting herself to his/out with him when he goes to town or something, but I know he doesn't like her romantically so that doesn't bother me anymore. And him being so kind is one of the reasons I love like him a lot so I don't want him to do something that is out of character for him. Hopefully the longer I'm around the more likely she'll be to latch onto someone else, who knows?

*existence

JeSuisPrest how many dates have you had with this dude?

sunshine have you tried pof? Maybe worth a look,its the only one I've ever used

@LooUpdate I don't know to be honest - I've been seeing him for 3 months - about 40 ish I expect by now.

@kerkyra I tried it very briefly when I first started OLD but was scared off by the amount of messages!

I know, I'm a walking cliché 😂

I didn't even mean cliche, I meant hypocrite 🙄

@Sunshineandflipflops Hide your profile on POF then swipe. If you like someone, mark them as a favourite and see if they contact you. If you really like them send them the first message. Your profile will never show in the stack and unlike Tinder, you can remain "incognito" and still view and message others. You're not a hypocrite - remember it's a numbers game.

@Sunshineandflipflops try OkCupid...that's where I met MrTall - who has just left after some afternoon delights - it gives you a match percentage which I really liked

@kermitrulesok I've just joined Ok Cupid. I can't see who likes me unless I pay, which I'm not doing so do I just wait and see if anyone messages me?

You'll be able to see if they do an intro message which is what MrTall did. Answer as many questions as you can as that's what your percentage match is based on. Good luck!