Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Oh and I would add that if he knows 2nd attempt is Sat he is going to be stressing about it all week unless you have or do put him at ease.

I agree with everyone @LooUpdate. Try not to put too much pressure on the second attempt. In fact, try not to frame it as such because that in itself is pressure.

MrSG had some performance anxiety issues at the start of our relationship. He was clearly mortified and was putting too much pressure on himself. As someone else suggested, I saw it as a sign that he really was not a player.

I do think it is much harder (or not 🤣) for guys because it’s obvious to see if there’s an issue. And a lot of the things about early dating (the pressure/expectation/desire to impress/booze/etc) can have a negative effect on these things. MrSG told me that he has a total fear of getting ED as he gets older, so any performance anxiety issues just feed into that.

It is frustrating though and really hard not to feel like it’s you that’s doing something wrong when it happens. In fact, MrSG told me that he feels under pressure to perform because he likes me so much etc. Still it isn’t easy to be rational when you’re feeling that you’re not desirable enough etc. That’s especially the case where your experience in previous relationships has been of being rejected or devalued. It has taken me a while to (almost convince) myself that actually I am attractive (and my ex told me differently because he’s a bastard). Indeed, I’m way better looking than he is (despite his own delusions).

I see @wishywashy popped up. When is your one year anniversary with Mr24?

It’s one year on Saturday for MrSG and me. I can’t believe it’s been a year. But at the same time, it kind of feels like we’ve always been together. I guess that’s just that it feels right.

I often think it'd be cool to have a cock apart from the times it doesn't want to play when the rest of me is up for it (pardon the pun}

See: this is probably part of the problem for men. It’s so bloody easy to make puns about their sexual performance. It’s actually really difficult not to.

Ant330 How do men feel when this happens? Do they realise how scary it is for the woman? She starts to question her view of reality (that this was the right bloke for her), or maybe that's just me. My dreams for our future are starting to crumble. I felt differently about this man :( For the first time in my life I felt both safe AND turned on by him. He's like the best friend I always wanted. I naturally stopped going on POF, didn't feel inclined to date other men, which is new for me. Now I've put all my emotional eggs in his basket. This scenario and my experience being married to an asexual husband for 10 years means that yesterday's sex malfunction is upsetting me more than it would 'normal' people. If Saturday is another malfunction I'm going to have to let him go :( I can't repeat past mistakes.

he's not a player who is having ONS as often as he can get them

lol no. Indeed. He said he's only had sex with one other woman (he was married 17 years and is in his mid thirties).

Oh and I would add that if he knows 2nd attempt is Sat he is going to be stressing about it all week unless you have or do put him at ease

As a bloke, what words would you find comforting in this scenario?

MrSG had some performance anxiety issues at the start of our relationship

Can you elaborate?

My experience with my husband has made me cynical. When we started dating he couldn't perform but was happy to use his hands. This continued for weeks with many excuses given. I was in my early 20s and didn't understand what was going on. 10 years later we had had sex a handful of times, all initiated by me, and never satisfying. It was soul destroying. I'm deeply scared about falling in love with someone and for the same scenario to play out.

@looupdate that sounds really tricky and like your history is wrapped up in this possible hiccup making it all more fraught for both of you. If he knows that ed next time will be the guillotine for him it will put even more pressure on him. Would he take a pill to get you over this first time_ that could be all it takes to get over first night nerves. I would try to be saying - it’s fine, don’t worry, let’s just go with the flow and seize any moment that presents itself’ but I can see how you don’t want to repeat past mistakes! Gah - hope this is just a little hiccup for you.

If he knows that ed next time will be the guillotine for him

I haven't told him that.

Maybe he would take a pill but I don't feel it's right to suggest it. The thought of a man resorting to pills in order to have sex with me makes me feel ill and upset. :(

I think your experiences in your marriage may be clouding your judgement here, @LooUpdate. MrShakes is not your ex and a bit of performance anxiety is not going to make him asexual. I think you’re at risk of catastrophising here, although I can totally understand why.

In terms of my experiences with MrSG, he would get bouts of performance anxiety really regularly at the start. He’d just lose his erection and/or would struggle to get hard. This didn’t happen all the time and, actually, was more likely to happen if we tried for a second round. He’d start worrying that he wasn’t going to be good enough or have enough energy or whatever and it’d make it difficult for him to perform. It happened the first time we DTD. He was clearly mortified and really grateful that I didn’t make a big deal of it.

It still happens sometimes, but I know just to cuddle him and not make a fuss and it’ll resolve itself (usually within 30 mins these days). He’ll even say now that he thinks he’s given himself some performance anxiety. It’s not a big deal in our relationship, but only because neither of us panics about it. We have a really good sex life - way better than I’ve ever had - even if he occasionally decides to totally overthink things.

I do remember googling about ED etc at the start though, because he’d consistently have issues with performance anxiety. It was really, really hard not to think the problem was me and my lack of desirability. It definitely wasn’t that, and it was definitely not anything to do with asexuality either. Actually, he told me that it was exactly the opposite of what I might assume; the problem was that he couldn’t believe his luck and didn’t think he could be good enough for me.

Also he doesn’t admit it, but I know that he’s dealing with self-esteem issues from the way his ex treated him. Obviously we’re both dealing with legacy issues from previous shit relationships (I’m kind of amazed that my awful ex didn’t actually ruin my experience of sex forever). It’s kind of inevitable at this point in life I think.

I think you have a lot of concerns from your past that means you are reading into this too much. These things happen looupdate I'm surprised you are so upset

At one occurrence.

The thought of a man resorting to pills in order to have sex with me makes me feel ill and upset.

Thing is, it’s not resorting to pills to have sex with you. From his perspective, it’d probably be resorting to pills to overcome his own anxieties so that won’t disappoint this amazing woman.

It’s still a hard thing to discuss with a new partner. There’s a danger that the suggestion would simply fuel any sense of inadequacy and make things worse for him. Maybe he’ll come up with the idea himself.

looUpdate as a man in his late 50's I 'm terrified of not being able to perform, and have, in the past resorted to the little blue pill

However, I've had some tests done, and there is nothing physically wrong (phew), so with me, it's probably psychological - 10+ years with a woman that wasn't interested in sex...

Personally, I now see the blue pill as a bit of a security blanket. I probably don't need it, but it's comforting to know that I have it..

It's definitely nothing to do with desirability.

Also, I think you need to recognise that this is a man who was so nervous on your first date that you named him MrShakes. Those anxieties have almost certainly transferred (and probably magnified) now that you’ve both decided that you want to DTD.

Ahh looupdate,I can see why you're feeling like this but he cant help it and a bit of reassurance from you will go a long way. But in a lighthearted way if you can,ie ' oh dear,nevermind,we have loads of time to practice '. Otherwise it may become a hugh issue for him.
I was seeing someone in Feb and we were getting it on for the first time and I thought he was turned on,but no,he was far from it ' down there '. It was embarrassing and confused me but I didnt say anything. These things happen. Please dont go quiet on him and make him feel anxious and if it was me I wouldn't suggest a pill!

Ha. I love it when the spam is totally ironic. I think the marriages on this thread are all way beyond saving. 😂

looupdate your anxiety about your ex is definitely clouding your judgement I think.
You are obviously very stressed and worried about this but I would think Mr Shakes could pick up on this and make his anxiety worse! Could you take sex off the table? Plan a nice normal date? Do some snogging and fool around? Feels like so much pressure here on both of you

I’ve reported the spam

I reported it too. I just thought it was hilarious how stupid the spammer was.

@LooUpdate I agree with others - I think your past experiences are making you over think this. It does happen and is quite common but the more you worry about it and overthink it, the more anxious you will both be next time.

I know it's hard (impossible) to be spontaneous when you have limited child free time but maybe try not to put pressure on having sex on a particular date and just let it happen.

I had some ED issues in a previous relationship when I was younger and it shocked me as I'd never experienced anything like that before. he usually sorted it by giving himself a hand.

It's a bit different with MrSAS but because we usually have sex multiple times in one session, he can require a little 'help' after the first or second time to go again but we always manage to get him there!

@Sunshineandflipflops I'm starting to understand his appeal!

@Peanuthedz Haha! There has to be something to keep me coming back to the commitment phobe.

Also, I'm so fed up with matching with people on Tinder and then getting no message. I know I can message fist but this is why I use Tinder mostly over Bumble because I don't want to message first.

I'm in a generally pissed off mood today. So 'busy' with everything for everyone else and it seems I have no life of my own at the moment.