Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@LooUpdate yep with MrTall...he started to shake and said he was too freaked out. We had a cuddle and I said not to worry. He was mortified. What's happened?

Theworldcouldbemymollusc did he have to use a pill each time after that?

How/why do men get nerves? I'm worried sick that Mr Shakes (who I was falling in love with) is asexual :( It's really freaked me out.

I think men get performance anxiety as it’s very easy to see they are/aren’t aroused and without arousal then penetration can’t happen whereas for women it’s less obvious. No he was fine after the first pill - he had built pressure up on himself as he was sure I was the one and we would marry etc.

Why do you think he is asexual??

A lot has build up to this day. We've had 8 dates! We waited for my period to go and he even booked the day off work(!) He drove me to his house. We had a few drinks then went to bed, and he couldn't perform. I've just arrived back at mine and I'm very worried. I can't be in a relationship without sex (been there, done that).I really liked thus guy. He ticked so many boxes. It was like dating my best friend.

@LooUpdate - have had that happen twice. Once was with someone and it was all a bit unexpected - he’d drunk whiskey as we weren’t planning on it happening and it gave him some trouble! Wasn’t a problem after that...
Another person that I dated would consistently lose his erection off and on. I was kind about it and stressed that it happens to lots of people etc etc, I thought that it might’ve been down to nerves but we were also not very well suited sexually.

Don’t take it to heart.

@Looupdate I think making the leap from couldn't get an erection to assuming he is asexual is a bit much, unless there are other things that you're picking up on?

With Mr Tall we'd gone out and got absolutely wasted the night before. His ex used sex as a way to punish him so couldn't believe I actually wanted sex with him so freaked out. We've had no problems since

I think the answer is in your first sentence @LooUpdate. That's an awful lot of pressure. Maybe next time just let it happen

the asexual thing is my deepest fear as my ex husband was asexual. it broke our marriage.

Like peanut said I think there was an awful lot of pressure put in him. Just let it take its course and it should be fine!

@LooUpdate I agree with the others. Don't make a big deal about it next time just let it happen. Maybe just build it up slowly for a couple of dates (lots of other things that can be done 😉).

Now- think about how shit you are feeling, I can guarantee the poor bloke is feeling a gazillion times worse! Reassure him that it's no biggy (excuse the pun 🤣) and you're still totally into him.x

@LooUpdate Booze and nerves and, perversely, feeling immensely relaxed can all play a part, said erm ... a friend of mine ... who was fine and dandy in the morning. But mainly lay off booze. I know it's very unbritish ...

Right, last from me re Mr NHS: I sent a happy go lucky message just asking if he’s still on for next week’s date....and got no response. Which I think is a response in itself. Rather gutted as I really did like him. Mr Casual still chatty but quiet from the other two irons today

@FMFL sometimes you gotta just let them go. I've had a couple where I would have given my right arm to date them and they just weren't interested. I've now found MrTall so there's someone out there for you...you just have to find them

@kermitrulesok YES we keep on truckin’. Up yours Mr NHS.

@fmfl at least you've got your answer. You've done everything you can. I would be tempted to block him so he can't come back in a couple of months to mess with your head.

I may have had one wine

That's the spirit! 🖕🏻to MrNHS

Thanks @StealthNinjaMum yes if he responds again I will just block...I’ve deleted every trace of him on my phone again as I was sick of looking at those bloody blue ticks.

@LooUpdate scheduled sex, exciting... what happens when you’re doing other ‘stuff’?

LooUpdate yes my first time with MissOz didn't finish as intended, too much to drink and nerves. With my ex I would have got a load of grief about not fancying her anymore, but MissOz just said you've had a lot to drink don't stress about it. And I was fine in the morning ;)
Mr Shakes has that name for a reason remember, if he was that anxious on a 1st date just imagine how much he was worrying about your 1st time dtd. Everybody wants it to be perfect, it rarely is!
Lots of people also say your 2nd date is the real 1st date, I'd suggest your 2nd time dtd should be judged as your real 1st time once you've got the awkward one out of the way.

SimonJT yep, it was majorly scheduled. But we both have kids so opportunities for spontaneous sex are slim to nil.

Ant330 what happened in your situation? kit off, assume the position, fumble..... then?

I'd suggest your 2nd time dtd should be judged as your real 1st time once you've got the awkward one out of the way.

I pray that's true. Next attempt is Saturday.

Ermmm 🙈 yes without giving tmi and bearing in mind I was drunk so the memory is sketchy, pretty much that. I think we'd started dtd and then we weren't 😂
All I will say is that it is nothing to do with you, if he didn't think you're hot he wouldn't be in bed with you. It is simply nerves and building up the pressure that the 1st time should be great.
Be supportive, tell him it's normal, and he should be fine.
Silver lining... he's not a player who is having ONS as often as he can get them. If he didn't care about you he wouldn't be nervous!