Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Seeing MrNN for birthday lunch today, I thought it was tomorrow, so that could have gone very wrong!

simon phew

Yes yes to penpals. FMFL good on you. The attention can be nice but they are time wasters

nowthefun eyes wide open.

I love this thread especially when someone says how they imagine someone to look and they are correct!

I am well smitten with Mr Big. All going well. Lots of dates and plans made. It seems we both CAN make ourselves available now we have decided we actually want to date. 2 (wary) cheeks on the smitten bench. If only my evil STBXH would fall off a cliff my life would be pretty ace right now 😂

Thanks all. Yes think the attention turned my head...not used to it after so long on my own. Live and learn, I guess. Two more chats going on now with men who may be a bit more available for dates I hope! And a third who just wants something casual... I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not?

@FMFL Good (to other chats!) RE: casual - depends really? On the person, on you. After reading a few things and my own nature/long term needs taken into account it's kinda my policy (now haha) that i'd never do casual longer than a couple of months but some people it suits them because they don't want a relationship etc

FMFL I would say he probably is a time waster but it'll be interesting to see if he ever comes back. Some people do have hard stuff in their life (so there's a very small chance he's genuine) but you're right to delete him and focus on others. When I started old there was a very keen guy. I couldn't go out with him on a saturday night because school had organised a quiz night and I wanted to go with parent friends. He was desperate to be my date even though I said it wouldn't be appropriate to have a first date with a load of my friends at the same table. I suggested I meet him for lunch or coffee near his work and never heard from him again. His loss.

Thanks guys. I was up half of the night crying (bastard BASTARD ex) and the cold shoulder from Mr NHS has just strengthened my resolve to take this all easy. At least I can’t contact him to rant! So I’ll do it on here.

Rant away FMFL I am feeling murderous towards my ex today as well!

@Marlboro Ah the curse of the shitty bastard ex. I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering too. I’ve just made myself feel slightly better by organising a drink with MrCasual on the day I was supposed to be meeting MrNHS.

Oh lord, sorry for being such a dimwit but ‘casual’....is he going to be expecting sex first date type thing? It’s just occurred to me he may want more than a drink

@FMFL It would be an unreasonable expectation to have - and anyway - you don't have to do anything even if he expects it heh

😅 oh dear me I’m really not good at this. Steep learning curve. Thanks for the patience!

Imo, casual = fwb situation, so you have a laugh together, go in a couple of dates to suss out compatibility, have sex a a few times and see how it goes. Hook-up = drink and shag, probably never see each other again.

But I could be wrong! I'm still new at this and learning as I go.

Do you know what More, that scenario seems like it would work pretty well for me right now.

Depends what you want FMFL and that does change!
I started OLD I Feb and my first date was with Mr Big. He was very clear that he wanted “casual” and that’s what I thought I wanted too (shitty ex and 2 toddlers) we have been non exclusive FWB now for 6 months BUT we didn’t follow FWB rules. We messaged all day almost every day and shared all of our date stories/ shag stories. I did find I got more attached than planned. The lovely wise people on here advised I give him up as he was a commitment phobe but I didn’t want to as I felt we had a connection. I probably should have done as it has been very hard
Mr Big had recently admitted he has got feelings for me and asked if we can exclusively date. I am elated but wary! If you both want casual that’s great, do what you want BUT be aware your feelings might change and it’s bloody hard having feelings that are not reciprocal

Morning all .

Firstly thank you for all your support yesterday, what a fab lot you are . We got back on track and drew a line under it so as not to ruin what time we had left - red wine, roast chicken and a bar of Galaxy helped. I'm not going to dwell on it. She was out of order. MrC is going to make sure it doesn't happen again and I've had some lovely messages from him this morning apologising for the miscommunication fuckup and saying he really cares about me. Yes, I did agree to them coming over when the text said "Mate, can I pop over a put some cabling in, won't take long". I can't imagine in anyone's book "won't take long" is 5 hours but it's done now. I think it's safe to say I'm off BL Christmas card list. Naturally, I'm gutted...

@SimonJT Have a lovely birthday lunch with MrNN - hope the sun is shining for him and well remembered!

@FMFL Well done for getting some other irons in the fire and arranging another date. Yes, we've all done the messaging for weeks and it coming to nothing thing. You live and learn. I'd agree with @MoreNiceCereal 's assessment of Hook ups/casual/fwb. 'Tis a minefield for sure. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, but if you want to get an itch scratched, you'll get plenty of offers - nothing wrong with going for a drink and seeing where it leads - if you're feeling it at the end of the date all good. If you're not, well "it was lovely to meet you, must get back for the babysitter..."

@Sunshineandflipflops Glad you had a good Pride weekend and still keeping things going with MrSAS. He may surprise you yet.

@Nowthefunbegins Oooooh, be careful. I remember how devastated you were when he finished things. Old flames tend to burn, unless you're doing it for closure.

@Snozzler3 Yes I agree, dating should be fun . Unfortunately real life gets in the way and situations happen. We're 3 months in now so perhaps we're in a new phase of trying to mesh our lives together a little more which is new territory for both of us. He's Mr cool, calm, collected, practical and considered. I am not. Obviously.

@kerkyra Try and forget about "types". If he makes you feel important and desired it says a lot about him. Yep, that feeling of being "pursued" is great.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 What if I say it and he doesn't say it back, or says something like "I really like you, but I'm not quite there yet". I'd have to finish with him. I don't want to finish with him. I know exactly why I feel like this - it was after 4 months MrAbs knew I was getting the feels and said, "I think you're really great, but I know I'll never fall in love with you", and ended it. Brutal.

@Ant330 Yes, I do want to say it, but normally whilst DTD, but I think that would put him off his stride

@StealthNinjaMum, @Marlboroandmalbec34 and @FMFL You're leaning on a open door with me regarding the exes. I hear you loud and clear and it was that which actually opened the flood gates last night - started off with my being upset about our ruined day and ended with my crying about how I felt I'd really failed my DD by not being able to have a happily married mum and dad. MrC got an incredibly wet t shirt and I did that embarrassing crying where you can't breathe or talk properly, the snot just flows out of your nose and your mascara and eyeliner makes you look like a demented Alice Cooper.

jesuis I know exactly what you mean re saying stuff. I feel I am so guarded about my feelings as I don’t want to get hurt. 🤞Mr C says it soon. It sounds like you both feel it!

My ex wont have my ds at all in the hols,except every other fri to Sunday eve,says he needs to work. Urr,yes,so do I. I'm now going to have to get to my cleaning jobs at 7am so that when son wakes about 9 he isnt on his own much. No family about either.
3rd date lined up later,an hour in a pub before I do school run. Will call him Mr dadbod. He seems to have the feels already,txt yesterday to say off all apps and he has found his perfect woman. Then said he would like me to be his girlfriend . I haven't said anything except I need to take it slow,build trust etc. He seems sane,I mean I've met some guys who are clearly not all there so either I'm being love bombed again or he is sincere,God knows.but im keeping my pof up and got feet firmly on the ground for once.

Ok. I know you must all be sick to death of me now and do tell me to fottfsof if necessary. Mr NHS has just messaged blaming lack of phone signal. He’s asked a generic how’s things type question. Is it a good idea to reply back and ask if he’s serious about meeting next week, given things seem to have cooled off? Or is that a bit too much and should I instead just go for inane chat and steel myself for the inevitable cancellation next week?

@kerkyra I hope it goes well and takes your mind off your particular brand of bastard ex. I’m really hatin’ on the exes today FYI

FMFL I would ask for a phone call,that may show how serious he is. Keep dating others and if YOU'RE free next week,and meeting him fits in with you,yes meet him.

@FMFL - unless he works in Antartica I wouldn't believe the line about bad phone signal. If someone really wants to get in touch with you they will. The effort doesn't seem to be there on his part. Haven't you arranged another date for the night you were supposed to be meeting him now anyway? I'd let this one do a slow fade.

@kerkyra "either I'm being love bombed again or he is sincere" if you manage to work that one out and patent it you'd be a very rich woman.

@JeSuisPrest
What if I say it and he doesn't say it back, or says something like "I really like you, but I'm not quite there yet". I'd have to finish with him. I don't want to finish with him. I know exactly why I feel like this - it was after 4 months MrAbs knew I was getting the feels and said, "I think you're really great, but I know I'll never fall in love with you", and ended it. Brutal.

Remember that MrC is not MrAbs. He’s so very different.

Also there’s a huge difference between ‘I’m not quite there yet’ and MrAbs’ ‘I’ll never fall in love with you’. They’re not even compatible.

In any case, it sounds like MrC is likely to respond positively to any hint of the L word. I don’t think you need to worry there.

I must be too trusting @jesuisprest @fmfl

My best friend has no phone signal at her house and it's in a fairly built up area - down the road from me. I have good signal. So I might consider this a 'good' excuse.

However if he was good at communicating and it dropped off it's a pretty shit excuse. Perhaps he was dating someone else and it didn't work? Balls in your court really. I would say that you've already given up on him so you have nothing to lose by asking if he's serious. He might say no or vanish. Or he'll realise you are an assertive woman and won't take crap. That might be a good thing.

Jesus,I think you should tell Mr C the love word and not worry. I expect he's feeling the same ( I read somewhere men fall quicker than women?).

I imagine you as a very caring person,you go through lots of names on here supporting them as they go through their problems( whereas I cant remember whose who alot of the time),you also make me realise I'm not the only one with insecurities,like alot of others do too. I think Mr C is very lucky to have found you. Go and give him a massive hug and tell him you love him 🙂