Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

I’m glad you’ve sorted things out with MrC, @JeSuisPrest. It sounds like Mr and MsBL need to think about boundaries and MrC may not be great at setting them with friends. Definitely give him the snotty pillow tonight.

@kermitrulesok I don’t know how you’ve accumulated 7000 messages in such a short time. MrSG and I are only at 14,719 messages (and it’ll be 1 year since we started messaging on Saturday). That said, we do spend absurd amounts of time together, which has reduced the need to message one another. You just don’t need to message someone when they’re sitting on the sofa next to you. 😂

@shitwithsugaron It sounds like a great (if exhausting) weekend for you and MrB. I’m glad you’ve got some just the two of you time planned for your next weekend together.

@Ant330 I think loads of us have given guys we shouldn’t have chances for far too long. I certainly have. I gave my ex a decade too long. And, the thing is, I knew it was wrong right from the start but I kept going for a variety of really stupid reasons, none of which were desperation to be in a relationship. And I’m good at making relationships work. Really good at it. So I did, despite it being dysfunctional and crap. Even more so when I found I had a surprise pregnancy.

Most of us have made many mistakes in our relationship histories. I’m have and MrSG certainly has. That doesn’t mean we’re doomed to repeat them.

Oh @Nowthefunbegins. Be careful!

@JeSuisPrest your day is making me feel stressed just reading about it. I find those situations the worst. People in your space when you need them to go. And not being able to get close to Mr C. And watching time run out. Your day with him. And wasting your precious time. I'm not surprised you lost it with him. So frustrating and so powerless to do anything. Anyway it's over now, you've sorted it, it won't happen again.

@Nowthefunbegins hmmmmm. I'm afraid I agree with your RL friends. But it you really have to, and sometimes you really do have to, then the thread will be here to pick you up afterwards.

Where is @Sunshineandflipflops ? Ok I hope. I always imagine her with a maxi skirt, flip flops and a huge tote bursting at the seams 🤣

Haven’t caught up with the thread, still recovering.

I have 2 nice irons

Mr Hot, really good looking, similar outlook on life and seems lovely, he does have kids and hasn’t been single that long (worried he maybe looking for a replacement wife as he’s lonely). Hopefully going to meet up with him soon.

Mr Drum, not so hot but looks very friendly, has been single a while and has 2 kids, lives close by and seems like my type of person.

Have had loads of messages on a POF but most have been disgusting messages from younger men after a shag or people who live too far away.

@JeSuisPrest I’m in the SW...the fact that BL bloody loves a trip to Trago speaks volumes 😂 I’m glad you’ve managed to clear the air this evening.

@Peanuthedz Hi, thanks for asking after me. I'm fine thanks, been in London all weekend at Pride so not been home long and am shattered!

Not much to add to the dating thread at the moment. I'm still in close contact with MrSAS, MrPsych hasn't contacted me since Friday when I contacted him first so I'm giving up on that one. MrArt is messaging me more now than when we were dating and keeps trying to get flirty but I steer it away.

I'm feeling a bit disillusioned with it all at the moment to be honest.

You have described me pretty well there by the way 😂

I had a pleasant evening with mr U. Because of circumstances I'm having to hang out with him and his friends a lot rather than it being just the two of us but now I've got used to the idea I quite like it. They're nice. He made dinner for me and a house guest last night then four of his male friends went off on the pull. And he came home with me. I felt a bit weird for him but he said why would he go out looking for women and he wanted to spend time with me. We had a long chat about feelings. He will never ever tell anyone how he feels. Ever. I have complained about this three times. And apparently that is twice more than most previous girlfriends as he's finished with them. Which is apparently proof of how much he does like me. God he's bloody difficult. I yavecquite a low bar don't I?

@JeSuisPrest bloody Trago! I went once with my ex-Mil...she knew exactly what she was doing! Good for MrC to set some boundaries. Glad your weekend was salvaged.

@Crustaceans not entirely sure how we've clocked that many messages but it's so easy and conversation just flows.

@Peanuthedz your bar isn't set low, you obviously see something in MrU and as long as you're happy then it's all good

@Sunshineandflipflops I imagine a big sun hat too

@Lovemusic33 Are you feeling better?

@Nowthefunbegins Please go in with your eyes wide open...he's broken your heart once. We'll all be here for you though

I've had food poisoning today I think so MrTall and I haven't have hardly messaged but then he was with me last night so all good

Have you heard of the 5 love languages @Peanuthedz? Does he show he cares for you in other ways.

Communication is really important for me so I suspect someone who wouldn't talk about their feelings would be a deal breaker for me. I have no interest in becoming their therapist and knowing everything going on in their head but if someone steadfastly refused to talk their feelings at all I think I'd be out.

Ok so what's Tarb? Please?

Not sure if you meant to post that here but isn't it brat spelled backwards?

Trago? Where did I get tarb from? I've heard of it @Ginmel I might add to my amazon list with mr unavailable. Communication is key to me too but it's interesting to try to deal with this. We won't be together indefinitely and I definitely couldn't do it very long term. He includes me in his life and behaves towards me in a way in which I know that he likes me a lot/loves me? I did point out that if every GF ever had complained about it then maybe he should think about trying to address it but nope. No budging. but then telling me that he likes me enough to overlook it is telling me...

Come on here to rant. Mr NHS blowing hot and cold. So I’ve deleted all his photos and messages from my phone in an absolute flounce; I can’t quite bring myself to delete his number though. It’s ridiculous how much I’m upset by the actions of a man I’ve never even bloody met (and not likely to). Unfortunately I think it says more about me and my mental rather than him. Had some shit news today re ex and OW and I just didn’t need someone else making me feel bad (albeit possibly unintentionally). I’m on my knees emotionally and OLD isn’t helping.

Mental = mental health

@FMFL Hot and cold before you've even met? A man should at least buy a woman a drink before he starts being the ambivalent playa ffs. get those digits swiping.

One great thing about not dating anyone is how fucking spotless my house is rn. I'm also listening to a great book. The laws of human nature by robert greene. I feel well sophisticated

Also. It's not saying more about you. Consistent inconsistency is maddening and says a lot about him. Though issues with your ex wont help for sure

now just to say good luck for tues but please try to protect your heart from being broken again
jesuis BL sounds like a nightmare.Sorry to hear you had a shitty afternoon-I would have been annoyed too.hopefully you're having a nicer eve.
So past 3 days have been good for me.besides having a busy& enjoyable w/e, issues for bf are sorting themselves out, and kids met him briefly today, which went ok. Was in a group setting so was able to just be slipped in casually as a friend (they know I have x as a friend as sometimes see notifications from him pop up on my phone).

@Supercali77 thank you. He was absolutely great right up until we arranged a date, and having done that he’s just scaled everything right back...then when I think he’s gone he’s back again, and honestly for me this feels like I need to be chasing for his attention? Done that too many times irl and been burned each time. I’m just so disappointed in myself for being caught off guard so early and easily.

@FMFL when's the date for/supposed to be? If hes scaling back I think you're right to delete it all, stop chasing and recognise that this is an unequal situation where somethings going on that hes not being straight about. That's not on you

@Supercali77 it’s next Tuesday...so I would have been chatting to him for three weeks by then. It was going great, date and time arranged then bang, now acting pretty disinterested bar the occasional chat/sext when he’s clearly bored. We hadn’t even got as far as sorting a venue. I can’t help but feel I brought this on myself a bit for hugely over-investing...he just seemed so nice! I don’t think it’s helped me knowing his lifestyle is so different to mine either, it’s set doubts in my head. So that, coupled with the disengagement, and the fact that my personal life is in such a mess, has meant that I have just deleted his number. I am pretty sure I’ve done the right thing. I hope.

Yes, you have. Time to move on, learn from this experience, etc.

My next date with Mr TDB is Friday daytime. I meant for this to be a casual sort of fwb thing but I really like him a lot. I am going to tell him how I feel on Friday, because I can't keep seeing him if he doesn't feel the same. My personal life is a mess, too, so I don't expect he will. Sigh.

@FMFL do you think he isn't who he says he is? I get dubious when I hear stories about people cancelling 1st meets unless they really have an alternative proposal lined up for you.

@FMFL I think just about everyone who has done OLD has at least one story of disappointment in a flakey glorified pen pal. That’s what MrNHS is. He may have no intention of actually meeting anyone at all, and just like the attention and the sexting.

If possible, it’s best to meet someone (even if just for a quick coffee weirdo check date) sooner rather than later. That’s not always easy, or even possible, especially when you have busy lives and children. And that makes it difficult to tell what’s really going on.

When I started OLD I managed to find myself one of those weird pen pal types. He would message and even suggest dates (even including days and places) and then disappear in the days running up to his suggestions. Then a few days later he’d reappear. I’m sure he had no intention of leaving his video games bs meeting actual people at all.

OTOH, it took MrSG and I a couple of weeks to manage to meet for logistical meetings. But it was always pretty clear he definitely intended to meet me. He communicated consistently and clearly, and made really concrete plans. We worked out a day that worked quickly and set a real plan (with a time and place to meet). And then kept chatting with the aim of meeting. Also, unlike the pen pal guy, he never tried to steer the conversation towards sexting.

Several people on this thread suggest juggling multiple irons to help with the oberinvesting aspect of OLD. At least in the chatting phase.

@FMFL yep I think we've all been there. Some guys have never intended meeting. They do for the attention then when it comes close to date they disappear or texts become less frequently. That happened me a few times as I'd listen to their excuses about being busy etc. If they can't fit in a quick coffee then I wouldn't waste my time on them. I changed then and always met as soon as possible to stop time wasters.