Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@StealthNinjaMum well, thank you again. Excellent news things continue to go great for you and Mr R.

Omg
Went to a 50th party last night and invited new iron to meet for a later drink. He came and joined us, drinks were flowing freely, shots were flying, )I don’t drink much usually) and we were all pretty merry. He came back and we dtd on the sofa with kids upstairs. He is now asleep on it so I’m going to have to explain that one in a bit.....
Oh and we also all booked a triathlon in September in Portugal!!!!
Seriously - I need to stop drinking.....

Kermit - 3 weeks would seem a bit soon for me - but this is from a woman who didn't get married for 7 years to make sure it was right 🤣

Savoretti - oh how we are all different. After too much to drink I might dtd sooner than expected but no way in hell would I be signing up to a triathlon 🤣

Kermit I want to tell you yes it's too soon but at 5 weeks I'm sort of in the same boat so I'll wait for everybody else to answer 😂
I only have one thing holding me back that is niggling at me slightly, and it's that listening to MissH's dating history she's clearly given guys who weren't right for her too much leeway. Now that's either as she says because she likes to give them the opportunity to change and tends to see the best in people rather than being ruthless, or she just desperately wants to be with somebody and therefore settles even against the advice of her friends. It's the latter possibility that's niggling at me, but only slightly as I really like her

Savoretti sounds like a great night out 😉 as far as the kids are concerned he's just a friend who couldn't get a taxi home.
I got snuck into MissH's house on Fri night after we'd had a few drinks and out again Sat morning, it's fun 😂 oh and she popped over for half an hour yesterday on her way back from food shopping 🙊
It's handy only living 15 mins apart.

@Savoretti a triathlon this September?! Are you in training? Dtd doesn’t count 😁

@kermitrulesok Surely after three weeks it’s the other L word, lust?

@FMFL I am marathon fit so the run is fine
The cycle and swim I need to get some training in damn quick

FMFL try not to over invest if you can....and it would be a good idea to keep chatting to irons and get another date in before next weekend.
ANT I wouldn't worry about her dating past and the reasons. Its what's happening at the moment and how she is that's important now. She could be like many of us have been/are and maybe she was just waiting for the right person. I suppose it depends on how the subject of dating came up,was it a quick conversation and then put to bed,or is it something one of you brings up and is thinking about alot.

My first iron from yesterday wants to cook for me and is going to have a look at my laptop which has died on me. Seems sweet. He has four kids by three different women which I do need to ask about though. I mean,did he leave all these women? I have three by two so I do kind of get it,but maybe I need to look into his past dating history too actually

The ages are spread out,two in their twenties,a teen and a seven yr old who he sees every weekend for a bit. I think it sounds ok actually!?

Thanks for your replies everyone - I've only had 2 serious relationships in my life and I married both of them! I settled when I shouldn't have done. @Ant330 that's interesting that you're looking at her dating history I think you should concentrate on the here and now. Do you feel like you're 17 again? That's how I'm feeling at the moment, when he's not with me I really miss him and that's never happened before...ever!

@SimonJT I think you're right but this seriously feels different. We've sent nearly 7000 messages in this 3 weeks and it feels like he's always been in my life and I can't imagine him not iyswim?

Gah this dating business is crazy...we had the talk about us both coming off the apps which we both have and I told all my other irons that I'm not interested too. I'm certainly not desperate to get together with someone but he's literally swept me off my feet.

@Savoretti the good old one night stand...bag them, shag them then ditch them! Used to do that a lot in the Army! As long as you had fun then no harm done and if it goes further then it's win win!

Kerkyra was it a 1st date yesterday, in your shoes I'd have the same questions. But maybe see if he brings it up as I'm sure he's expecting you to ask at some point.
Regarding who talks about relationship history, she brings it up occasionally, don't know if she feels the need to explain now she's told me??
I haven't got much of one to discuss as I've only dated one person since I separated last year, whereas she split 5 years ago.
I might be worrying about nothing to be fair, as I've read plenty of posters on here saying they gave the wrong person the benefit of the doubt in the hope they could change but ultimately realised they should have ended it earlier, maybe it's just that.
Probably a bit of insecurity on my part tbh, am I the right bloke or not, time will tell but it's at least stopping me saying anything daft too soon 😂

Kermit I'm not really looking into it, just thinking she's given some unsuitable blokes too much time in the past, I hope I'm not another poor choice

"17 again" yeah exactly that! 😂 We're quite lucky that we live close and kids are older so don't need babysitting. We rarely go more than 2 days without seeing each other, so have packed a lot of dates into 5 weeks.
Simon is right though, it is lust rather than love. But I tell you what after spending 20+ years telling somebody you love them, it's hard not to blurt it out to somebody else, it's almost habit.

It really is like relearning the rules of life. I married very young, grew up too fast I think. I feel like a teenager but with far too much responsibility. Which is probably a good thing because it prevents me from going off the rails completely.

@Ant330 my last relationship was 12 years and yes, you're right about habit! A couple of times it's almost rolled off my tongue. I'm genuinely feeling those feelings though...I've told him I really like him and he says the same so we'll see how it progresses. It's great being in this bubble of happiness but I've been hurt in the past and am just waiting for it to pop and come crashing down

Kermit I'm glad it's not just me!
Might be tmi but it's when we're cuddling post dtd that I get the little voice in my head telling me "don't say it" 😂
I spent a lot of time over thinking it with the last person I dated, I've been trying to enjoy this one a few days at a time but it still doesn't stop you worrying it's going to go pear shaped.

@kermitrulesok 7000 messages! How do you find the time? Me and Mr R messaged a lot at first and it wasn't sustainable and I felt neglected when I 'only' got 10 a day which is stupid as my ex-husband rarely sent me one a week and that was usually to ask me to do something. It actually feels like Mr R has always been in my life and I do like him a lot but will outline the things that stop me feeling I know him enough for the l word below.

@ant330 @kerkyra I wouldn't necessarily be bothered by someone with children by 3 women or Miss H's past as long as they have processed it and learnt from their mistakes. I have dated two guys in their 50s who had young children (under 10) so mistakes happen too! My reservation with Mr R is that he doesn't really talk about his exes and was clearly badly hurt by his most recent. He once said something that he had learnt from the experience (something he needs to work on) which I see as a positive but that sort of statement is rare. In general I feel like I am more emotionally stable (even though his last relationship was 'only' 3 years and mine was 20) because I have spent months processing what went wrong and learnt from my mistakes. I think this is why I feel we don't talk even though we've probably spent 50 or 60 hours together (exlcuding time spent asleep) and another 20 or 30 on the phone - we do talk but lots of small talk and not much about his past. My real life friends say that men don't really talk about relationships and that I'm being harsh on him.

@StealthNinjaMum 7022!

@kermitrulesok that's 350 a day! Have you stopped eating?bathing? feeding children?

That's a really intense beginning kermit.

@Ant330 you are one of the good guys. Miss H has chosen well this time.

@StealthNinjaMum still alive and kids are too. We are really quick texters so it hasn't felt like that many?

7000!!! Wouldn’t it be easier to call/video call?

We've been on 5 dates too...everything is so very easy and chilled. During those 7000 there's been very little sex chat. We have dtd and it was great!

Christ I thought my 2500 in 5 weeks was a lot 😂
Kermit as long as you're enjoying it, which you clearly are, then keep doing it 😉
Thanks Ginmel

@Ant330 yeah I am enjoying it and so is he. A lot has happened in this 3 weeks. I've had a knee op and his mother has sadly passed away. He has been to see me lots to make sure I'm ok. I work in the funeral trade so am helping him with the arrangements. It feels right, natural and just generally fab.

Just back from a second date with the guy from yesterday. I asked him about past relationships and all seems normal and we had a bit of a snog in the garden centre carpark. He wants to take me for dinner next weekend.
Compared to Mr eyes two weeks ago,where the attraction was there but he didnt ask me anything,this seems so different. We bounce off each other. Is he my usual type? No,but he is pursuing me and it feels so good for once! And I find him really attractive.
I know I'm a bit weird but I mentioned too much texting makes me anxious( I think from previous men who ghosted me and ones who got shitty if I didnt answer straight away.also if they asked a question in the txt and I felt obliged to txt back quickly etc) and he seemed to understand,so that pressure is off.
Will see how this goes