Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Sunshineandflipflops & @Marlboroandmalbec34 If it's working for you then that's all that matters. I've no doubt I'd still be calling on MrPlumber's services if MrC hadn't come along.

@lifegoes I'm glad you are doing well and I'm sorry that people (I'm assuming me included) are making you feel uncomfortable to be here.

I can only speak for myself here but after my marriage ending completely out of the blue and having to watch my (not even ex yet) husband parade round with a much younger women for the last 18 months, I am just doing what makes me feel good at the moment. I know longer term I might not feel so good about what I'm doing and there will no doubt come a time when I have had enough.

I do know my worth and if I didn't think Mr SAS was worth it in some way I'd be long gone but he's the first person to have made me feel anything positive for a long time. I know it can't go on forever though.

@lifegoes I agree with you in some parts but ultimately people make their own choices, however messy it might seem to outsiders. One of my best friends has been back and forth with her ex for 18 months now, clearly he is awful for her but he has something which keeps her coming back. No amount of advice can change her mind when she wants to do something in her heart. I just think people should do what they want but try and avoid complaining afterwards when it goes pear shaped!!!

Well said, sunshine!

I think I am another one who has made lifegoes feel uncomfortable, and for that I am really sorry, having read what she has been through. However I know my own worth, and though I know I risk getting hurt or, worse, hurting someone else, I am not a victim. At the moment my life is enhanced, not diminished, by gravitating back to Mr Mad. I'm a grownup, I make my choices and will live with the consequences of my actions - and, who knows, I may carry on learning a lot and finally end up on the Beyoncé bench, not hiding away in the commitment-phobe naughty corner.

What makes this thread so wonderful is the variety of experiences and attitudes, but it IS strong medicine. But best of luck, lifegoes.

🤦‍♀️🙋‍♀️ me too but you what I am so much stronger and have way more boundaries than this time last year. I have grown lots. I'm sure there is more I need to do but I'm happy enough for now. And hopefully I will end up on the Beyoncé bench at some point.

I've been catching up but not posting so hope I can remember everything I meant to say...

@TooOldForThis67 re HRT the progesterone bit is horrendous. I can't deal with 14 days of it it makes me suicidal. I'm on a weird protocol but even that makes me low. Just coming out of it now. Not sure there's an answer though. I was offered a hysterectomy.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 aka Patsy 😁 that's fabulous to you and Big. I think that's healthy, starting off as FWB and gradually working towards the feels. I'm secretly hoping that my happen with @Sunshineandflipflops. If it doesn't then at least you've had fun. And you're going to hurt anyway. Just try to keep swiping to Jeep him on his toes and stop you focussing too much on him.

@CassettesAreCool ah I'm glad you've got a selection box. Once you've chucked away the strawberry creams you might end up with a champagne truffle!

@Neverexpected2 I couldn't deal with a mystery date. At all. What to wear, would I fail at it etc. Nope. Impressed you can...

@FMFL we've "all" done it to the sexting pre meeting. Yep. It can be a wee bit embarrassing. Mine wasn't actually and we did a lot of sexting and phone sex:video sex and had agreed not to meet. He was an utter sweetie when we did and I did fancy him but the virtual stuff was better.

And re @lifegoes well I find her post quite pass/ag tbh. It's not really anyone's business we're all strangers on a virtual thread. We're all learning from each other and from what's happening, if someone chooses to follow their heart not your advice well so be it. Just be there for the fallout. Or don't! Other people will.., I don't see anyone on this thread ignoring advice. I see them considering it. And deciding what they think is best for them,

And finally... re mr U. He's done it, he's opened his business. He hadn't stopped moaning though. I met two of his oldest friends yesterday. Feet firmly under the table. Though we both agreed that his woman friend would tell him I'm too old for him. Because quite frankly I am 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Peanuthedz What is the age gap between you and Mr U?

First date of day done. Lovely lunch (although I still dont like eating around new people) and he was lovely. Not getting vibe we'll see each other again though as nothing mentioned on the date and just had an "enjoyed it x" message since. Hes new to apps though and I'm his first date so I always think they are unlikely to settle so soon with all the options available to them 😉

peanut - I never thought I'd agree to this either as im a planner but I'm trying to be a bit more laid back and go with the flow. Hoping it doesn't bite me on bum though. Heading off into town soon ....

I have read all your posts and I wasn't going to comment as I never felt it was needed. Until now...

Firstly at no point have I named or criticised certain individuals on their life choices. I've simply said for my OWN sanity I can't post. I don't feel comfortable doing so. It's not about giving advice and it not being taken. All of that has been assumed!

It's about me, and seeing things in writing pulling back emotional feelings from my past. Knowing how they feel, understanding the issues. Things IVE tried to deal with and grow from.

I did wish everyone luck and I did thank everyone on this thread for their support. And that hopefully one day I will FEEL comfortable again to post.

I am only responsible for what I say, I'm not responsible for what people assume I mean. No offence was caused. It was a personal choice.

Love to you all and again thank you for all the amazing support I have had.

@Sunshineandflipflops I'm 15 years older. It's fine mostly. But sometimes it does make me feel plain old. Having said that I look about 45 and he looks about 50. So 🤷🏻‍♀️

40! He looks about 40. Bloody old lady hands can't text

Honestly, I think that many, many men would not be worrying about a 15 year age gap in the least.

If they were the older partner anyway.

I have to say I understand what lifegoes is saying here. I understand your point shitwith about noone being obliged to take anyone's advice but i'd counter that if a person's at all uncertain then the advice of people in a support thread might carry a fair bit of weight. (Maybe there should be a disclaimer in the guidelines! heh)

Unfortunately in the territory of love/intimacy many of us hold onto hope despite evidence to the contrary, and I know in my own previous situation if i'd described some of the incidents, people may have said it was probably nothing to worry about. Or that if I was having a good time then crack on. Which would unwittingly have offered hope where - reality - there was none and I should have high tailed it out of there immediately (Had I known). It was supposed to be fun but it ended up being extremely corrosive to my self esteem, the price was not worth it.

So- i'm wary of the fun narrative. I also don't really want to be a thread killjoy....On the first page there was a comment about we would have less fun if we only did things that are good for us? I totally agree! in every arena except relationships. Sign me up for going to that club when I know I should go home because I have work tomorrow - but that guy who I know is no good really? No, take me off that list now. I cannot do that again. Now obviously my disclaimer. My situation was unique. My reaction to it unique. The fallout unique. We are all adults yes. But like lifegoes I have found some of it uncomfortable - not because I thought people should take the advice - but because I recognise it so very well.

Anyway - obviously the point is - well stop reading - which seems a shame since there is a ton of great advice, and I am definitely not saying people don't know their own minds either. I guess it's just.....not always easy?

Thanks peanut we will see!

@Neverexpected2 how was the second date of the day? Been dying for you to post and say what it was 😂.

I'm completely like you, I hate eating in front of strangers, especially dates. Would rather go hungry than eat!

Lifegoes - you do what's right for you. I think dating and relationships is a big way of doing personal growth for a lot of us. It's messy, we make mistakes, we think we've nailed a life lesson but it comes back in a different form to challenge us again.

I had date #2 with Mr 5in1. Dinner, except he's a chef and I accidentally didn't think that the place I took us to (you cook your own fajitas on a hot stone) was a bit of a bus man's holiday for him 😂 he didn't mind. We had a big heart to heart the night before, and I don't know if it was that, fact or my stressful day at work but I was uncharacteristically nervous and stayed nervous for unhelpfully too long. Still had a good night though, being patiently assisted to relax

Is anyone else worried that @Neverexpected2 is clinging to an indoor climbing wall having to be talked down by an instructor re-enacting a scene from the epic Sylvester Stallone action adventure film "Cliffhanger"? 🙈😂 Please do an update asap, I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I know what your mystery date was

@FMFL How's the chat with MrNHS gone today? Have you managed to cool his ardour....?

@XXVaginaAndAUterus Sounds like a great date, despite the nerves.

Wow. Just wow. Unbelievably horrible date with Mr Data. He was racist, boring and disrespectful. As I gathered my things to walk out, I said (inbred politeness) ‘it was lovely to meet you’, he said ‘I can’t say the same’.

Lesson learned: don’t expect nice surprises (I’ve been spoilt by only meeting nice men up to now), I should have done my homework via messaging beforehand. Also, don’t sext before meeting. I didn’t, but if I had I would literally be showering in bleach now. Bleurrgghh.

@JeSuisPrest its the downloading music that's completely thrown me!!

@CassettesAreCool so sorry you had a crap date- have had a couple and I got more upset that I spent my time and effort getting ready 🤣 oh and that my child free time is extremely limited and thus wasted on a loser 🙄

@Lillyrose19 Ain't No Mountain High Enough, Running Up that Hill, Rocky Mountain High 😂 I'll get my coat...

@CassettesAreCool Sounds awful. I'd block him now. No point waiting for a character assassination - sounds like the date I had with MrCopper, though he was a fucking space invader as well as a twat. Never mind, onwards and upwards lovely.