Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

This man is an utter c*nt . You on the other hand are a star trying your best to get on with things . Please do not feel embarrassed about the situation - I know what it feels like having to walk into a bank and tell a stranger that I have been deserted and do not know where my H is and to ask for accounts to be blocked. Mine had pre empted and had withdrawn several thousand a few days before . Things will work out for you and believe me the peace of mind you will eventually get will all be worth it .

Nothing particulary helpful to add to the brilliant advice here, just wanted to say this man is an absolute cunt. To ration your access to money is financially abusive, I'm sickened by the 'I know how much food is in the cupboards'. This is so devoid of humanity it borders on psychopathic.

It's good he's not picking up his crap. Gather your evidence.

Let her have the farty bastard. I can't imagine wanting to be with someone so cruel, but if she is messaging you they probably deserve each other. Take him for all you can and leave them to their miserable lives.

I thought the reason he hadn’t left when she got divorced was because he didn’t know who to choose but I’ve had the dreadful realisation that it was actually because my daughter was sitting her GCSEs so he probably arranged with the OW to wait.
I think he’s at his dads so work think he’s just split up, and then in a few weeks move in with her and hope no one suspects.
He says he hasn’t seen her and she on the sick at work. Hope it’s nothing minor!

I would be very surprised if colleagues aren't aware of their shenanigans word would have got out about the reason her husband divorced her.

She's off sick 🙄 more likely taking cover from any fall out/gossip.

This smells of a dodgy script he’s put together last minute and he has his actors and actresses playing out so he comes out smelling of roses. What a farce! She’s not off sick, she’s been told to stay away for a short while until the dust settles then “oh, look”, “we’ve just met, now I am going to move in with her”. What an awful thing for you to witness.

I bet their colleagues know.

He did not leave because:
He did NOT want to.

A selfish man does what he wants to.

You have forced his hand.
And the ow knows it.

She's had not 'won' him.

If and I say if he has no where to go and he ends up with her it is by 'default'

You hold all the power and could get him back - if you want , but by now I think you are doing the right thing.

Hold your head up
You have done nothing wrong x

@Robin2323. It’s so tempting to beg him to come back, but I know all trust has gone.
He was effectively my Carer and did a lot for me, a so called friend said that maybe he was doing too much for me and had burnt himself out. He was not doing so much that he couldn’t shag the ow, meet her child and go on days out with her, along with buying them Xmas gifts. I know other people who are ill and their husbands aren’t shagging someone at work.
I’m struggling massively, but got a solicitor half hour appt tomorrow so things may become clearer about his obligations. He has an appt with his on Friday, so he not going to ask to come home anyway.
I don’t believe for one minute the ow is genuinely sick, it’s just the shit has hit the fan and they’re embarrassed. He’s still staying at his dads. I’m going to have to block him for a while because I’m keep messaging him about things

Yes block him, this is going to be a roller coaster and you don’t want to do anything you will regret when you are so vulnerable.

It is alarming how many men walk away from marriage leaving devastation behind and I’m amazed at the strength women find to make it through.

I am sorry to hear what you're going through.

Re your financial situations - just get a good lawyer. My H pays the mortgage, private school fees, and sustenance for his previous home and children. Even though she worked in offices before the kids, his exW chose to work as a teacher so he keeps paying all of that. Until kids are 18 but now its Uni. Given your diagnosis you should not be financially deprived.

Sorry you are going through this op, my ex cheated on me with a younger colleague (why they all have to be such a cliche is beyond me) so I know a fraction of the pain you're in.
No practical advice just wanted to say you come across as a lovely, strong, normal person..
Your ex is a bastard. Agree with a pp I'm also hoping his old dick drops off.
And she can catch rabies or something. Just awful. I will never understand women who do this.
Seems like you're doing everything right.
My ex, we were engaged not married and no kids so way easier, he could have left whenever he liked. I would have preferred him to just go. I wouldn't have even been too bothered.
I told her he didn't choose her, he was chucked. She knows that. Even now they're married I hope that haunts her.
There was nothing keeping him here, other than him being a coward, she's married to a lying cheating coward and she damn well knows it, about to really find out for herself sometime in the not too distant future I imagine.
I was a mess, needed anti anxiety meds and sleeping pills, asked for help which id never done before, honestly thought I would never get over it..
But I did, I'm happy, I'm a better stronger person now.
Still single over three years later but I'm ready for the right relationship if it comes along, difference is I don't take shit anymore. I'm more than happy alone until it happens.

Ps. Take the scheming bastard for every penny he's worth.
Were all here for as long as you need

I’ve been to see a solicitor but came out bereft, doesn’t sound good but 8 need to make an appt somewhere else just to check

Oh no, why??

@Idontwanttoregister what happened?

No court would make him pay school fees. No court would make him pay the mortgage. There’s no money to dish out, I will be homeless anf the council will put us up in a B and B. Get rid of the dogs, put girls into state school. I said he’s got a pension he can dip into next year, sol said if it was his client he would tell him not to cash it.
Even if he signed a dorm to say he will pay, even drawn up by a sol, it’s not legally binding and a court wouldn’t allow him to sign it because he would be worse off

Do you think he's likely to stop paying school fees?

Is there much equity in the house? Don;t move out, even if he stops paying the mortgage - not unless you're evicted. Point out to him it will do him no good to default on the mortgage - it will wreck his credit score and he may well need a mortgage down the line, etc. Any payments he made will increase the equity in the house so once house is sold he will get (half) back. But yes, you might have to downsize.

If the girls do end up in state school, they will survive it. But he will have wrecked his relationship with them permanently, they are unlikely to forgive him. Would the school help, do they have a charitable fund?

Just to echo what @AnthonyCrowley said they children will get over the schoo thing and you will find in time that you want to move into your own space anyway where you and your girls can make a fresh start. This is almost word for word (expcet she was a fellow golfer not a colleague) what happened with my DS and her 2DD but they are 3 years out of this now and they are doing well. It have been hard and there have been lots of angry and sad tears shed by everyone. He pleads and begs to come "home" every few weeks and the fact they are no longer in the family home (moved out 3 months ago) and the fact that he can't threaten to cut the girls off their school fees money (as he stopped paying) has been a great relief all round. Do not move out until you have to and you are ready and don't offer to change schools just sit tight for now and get all your paperwork ready.

You need another opinion op, that advice doesn’t sound right. You’d at least be able to claim on his pension and he is liable to pay half the mortgage. I think a court can make someone pay school
Fees but that happened to my brother when his son had been at the school for years, so might not apply in your case

I’d take the stance with him that he must pay the
Mortgage and maintenance- don’t let him off the hook

I said he’s got a pension he can dip into next year, sol said if it was his client he would tell him not to cash it.

I think this is correct, but you will still be entitled to a claim on his pension and he can only put that off until he's 67 I think. Has he ever said anything about retiring early? I think when he cashes it in, that's the point he has to split it with you.

The solicitor you saw sounds very dismissive and possibly has a "all these women are gold diggers" mentality.

I would really recommend contacting Rights of Women - they may have a list of recommended solicitors in your area who are experienced at dealing with situations like yours.

You've been doing really well so far, please don't let this knock you back.

Did the school get back to you re bursaries etc?

CAB or your GP can give you a referral to a food bank if you're struggling with supplies - you can also get laundry powder, sanpro, loo roll etc from there.

How much did the thieving fucker draw out the joint account?

I'm guessing by next payday he'll have set up a new bank account and arranged to have his salary paid into that, but it might be worth sitting up til midnight on payday and just checking the joint account... and making sure you have a solo account that you could transfer any funds into.

It is alarming how many men walk away from marriage leaving devastation behind and I’m amazed at the strength women find to make it through. This !!

See another solicitor too . Your own situation ( illness) will work in your favour and it may well be that you will have the house until the children have left full time education . That is correct about the pension but you will have a claim on that as this is a " long marriage" .

@DollyTwat

Unless he earn a lot, he will not be liable to pay the mortgage.

If OP wants to stay in the home long term, she would need to be able to afford to do so e.g. income, CM, Benefits etc:

He no longer lives there and so OP occupies his share of the house and would owe him occupational rent but this is paid by her paying the whole mortgage

I can’t afford to take over the mortgage, I can’t work due to Ill health. I’m well and truly screwed.

OP heartfelt sympathies to you and your kids.. what a prick he is