Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

can ebay... stupid computer....

@justilou1

If he had testicles he would not have treated OP like this. 16-18 months ago he'd have had a cuddle with those testicles then told her the truth

This man is testicle-free, ball-lacking or as some could say eunuch-fucked.

True - I'd be introducing them to the cheese grater, if I were OP.... after this shitty behaviour. He's punishing his daughters as well. What a toad.

I second you selling his stuff! Make out you're giving it to charity instead.

Don’t sell his stuff !

Some of the advice on threads like is ridiculous. People actually have to live the consequences of their actions.

It’s his house too. He doesn’t have to move out (glad he did though? And he has a right to leave his stuff in the house

Christ.

OP I agree with -sincethereis, please don’t do anything silly. It is still his house and you could be in real trouble if you sell his things.

You’ve had a terrible shock, you need to just focus on getting through the day and sorting your money out.

I know from experience that this is devastating but you have to also keep it together so you can make some practical arrangements for yourself. If you can, gather evidence of the cheating (hopefully you took screen shots), fully assess your joint financial situation and take copies of paperwork, and see a family solicitor. If you can, also get some therapy for yourself. Take things slowly. You'll get through it.

He voluntarily gave up his house key when he left. There is stuff in the garage, he’s a hoarder, I have asked him to move it but he won’t so I’m getting help at the weekend to at least box it up so I can actually get in there and use it myself. I won’t sell anything of his, although I am selling my own stuff. I have to, he’s left us with nothing. I’ve just had a Tesco delivery - from someone who I barely even know, they had heard what he’s done and wanted to help. Overwhelming really.
I’ve got copies/screenshots of everything. Being a long time lurker, I didn’t realise advice on here would come in so handy for myself.
The worse times for us are first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Every time I close my eyes I picture them having sex which is grim. I wish I hadn’t looked on Facebook for her because it’s much more graphic now I know what she looks like!
I’m also getting anonymous messages. I think they’re from her because they’ve told me information that only the two of them would know. He’s says she doesn’t have my number, which is ironic seeing as how easy it was for me to snoop on his phone, he obviously doesn’t realise she can do the same. The messages are designed to alienate me further from him, she wants to ‘win’ him. She’s welcome to him. She can deal with the dirty clothes, the constant farting (always an issue) and every other bad and annoying habit he’s got. I’ve read about the pick me dance and although I’ve been tempted because I’m so lost, I just block him when I get the urge and then unblock when I come to my senses.

Another good piece of advice my solicitor gave: "I know you'll want to tell everyone about his cheating, but be careful about telling his employers. He needs to keep his job and maintain his income." Brutal but true.

Can you block these anon messages OP? They absolutely deserve each other, grotty little pair.

Maybe the messages are from him, OP. The OW has been living on her own for 7 months and yet he didn’t leave you (probably more for practical / financial reasons than emotional ones).

Hey OP, just read the whole post and wanted to send you some hugs x
I second the advice someone gave, please send him an email ASAP "I note that you withdrawn £xxx from our join account leaving me with £21.61 and no other means to feed our kids. As a matter of urgency, please return transfer the money so I can continue to feed and cloth our children"
I doubt he's gonna take any notice but you will have a proof for your solicitor and court.
He is not your friend, nor does he love his family. Do not trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

I am 2 months in, found out my stbexh had been having an affair while I was doing ivf for the baby he so desperately wanted.
My lovely all I can say is my heart goes out to you and every other person who goes through this. I have never felt pain like it.
Get yourself to a solicitor now. He has to, by law, support you and his children, fuck the other woman... his responsibilities lie with his wife and family. You won't be out on the street, he absolutely cannot abandon you.
Go to the GP. I was literally suicidal at one point. I got some short term sleeping tablets, zopiclone, which just gave me some respite for a few hours from the raging turmoil and pain I was in.
2 months in, I've been at friends in South of France, Barcelona and Mallorca, I'm lucky I never got pregnant and have a mobile job.
I'm having a ball, he, on the other hand is regretting everything, hates his life, realises hes losing everything and wants me back.
No way.
Keep your head up lovely and stay strong. You do not deserve this cowardly despicable treatment.
You will get through This, believe me, 7 weeks ago I couldn't breath, couldn't function.
Stay on here, I would write posts at 4am desperate for sleep and help, the people on here helped get me through my darkest hours.
I'm now realising I'm way better off without him, although I'm grieving for what was, I'm looking forward to what may be.
Sending big hugs x

why not report the anonymous messages to the police as harassment?

Why on earth didn't the OW's dh tell you this, when he discovered it?

Thank you everyone for all of your advice and supportive comments. We’ve made it through another day, although this tends to be our worst time, as well as waking up time in the morning (not that I’m sleeping.
I’m trying to be unemotional with him and be amicable so it goes through swiftly and he doesn’t try to make things any worse

I echo sadsausage44 - go to GP and get some zopiclone so you can have a night’s sleep. It was a life saver for me.
Honestly this is excruciatingly painful. But we can get through it - and come out better in the end. Grit your teeth and hang on. He’s the loser honestly. Xx

It's disgusting how he is treating you and your dcs, plus clearing out the joint account which was family money.

If the anonymous texts are from the OW seems as if she is very insecure if she is trying to 'win' him, odd that he didn't leave when her divorce came through.

Take care

If you get zopiclone only take a half until you see what it's like - it can make you quite sleepy the next day.

Not read the full thread so no idea if anyones picked up on this but he is probably being so insistent that he doesnt want you because hes told her hed left you. Not that you kicked him out and he didnt want to leave.

Surely if their love was so great he couldve gone straight to her seeing as she is divorced? My close friends wake me up at 3am with problems or for a cry or help.

Hes told her hed sat you down and declared love for you on his terms.

Declared love for her*

Stay strong, I hate cheats, my dad was a cheat and left my DM. Left me with an issue around trust as an adult. You deserve more, he is not worth your tears, stay strong and always remember you did nothing wrong and you deserve more.

Psychopaths are incapable of genuine feeling, OP.

Hope you managed some sleep last night.

Definitely try and block the messages. Of course they're from her, who else would they be? Sounds like they're both a pair of low level, grotty snakes who deserve each other. Keep reminding yourself of all his bad habits and how she will have to put up with them now.

Don't take him back, if he try's to come back crawling in a few weeks/months when he realises the grass isn't greener. He's said some nasty, unforgivable stuff to,you.

OP, you're doing brilliantly as you can. I know, I've been there.
Please, please read Chump lady's Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. It's available on Amazon and will explain a LOT of your arsehole of and ex's despicable behaviour (and that of his awful OW).