Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

If a mortgage is in both names then you are jointly responsible for it, if he doesn’t pay then the property may be re possessed of course, but I doubt he would want that

See another solicitor

You must see another solicitor, that one is a dud.

sincethereis

This is not accurate !

*Unless he earn a lot, he will not be liable to pay the mortgage.

If OP wants to stay in the home long term, she would need to be able to afford to do so e.g. income, CM, Benefits etc:

He no longer lives there and so OP occupies his share of the house and would owe him occupational rent but this is paid by her paying the whole mortgage*

I personally know someone whose Ex H is bound to pay on the mortgage until the last child is out of full time education . She is also unable to work due to ill health . The house will be sold then and he has a portion of it. This is called a Mesher Order .

After telling you about the above I am going to say - do not rely on people on here for advice Please do see some more solicitors for advice .

@TheStuffedPenguin

I am referring to the majority of situations. Mesher orders are pretty rare as the courts like a clean break.

There are also cons to the situation you described:

• Once the kids are all adults, how will your friend support herself? There are quite a few threads of older women struggling with not receiving money from EX anymore. It’s not a long term solution.

• The EX clearly earns a lot. This doesn’t apply here.

• When the house is sold, the house will be shared 50/50 rather than a higher amount for ur friend.

• What if EX quits his job or gets made redundant. Or if he wants to buy a new house with his new partner? Who will pay the mortgage then?

I don’t think mesher orders are particularly rare. However it is not unusual to expect the person remaining in the house to take over the mortgage and the the person leaving gets their share deferred to a trigger point

Its unlikely unless he’s a very high earner that he’ll Be expected to pay all mortgage plus school fees plus spousal maintenance plus child maintenance as he has to support himself too. No one here can advise so you’re best to see a few solicitors who can advise of your specific circumstances and you can get a feel for what options you have

Firstly there was an inaccuracy regarding benefits and mortgage interest OP.
If you are in receipt of ESA then you can claim 'support for mortgage interest' . This is paid at a set interest rate as a repayable loan. You will have to move on to Income related ESA as at present you will be getting one based on your national insurance contributions and is not income related (posh word for means tested).
You need to get your benefits sorted out.
Claim mortgage interest support.
(Not payable until 3 months after your income related ESA is claimed)
The IR ESA will also entitle you to full council tax relief.
Claim a PIp.

Speak to your mortgage company and get them to change to an interest only.

Do a deal where he gives up all his claim on the house as long as it's changed into your name once the support for mortgage interest is agreed.

If he is off the hook paying the mortgage he may agree to pay the school fees.

Lots to do and think about when you feel to wretched - but all is not as dark as you think.

This is what I would do: DO NOT MOVE. Stay in the house with the DC. Tell him you will allow him a divorce in return for the house and him paying the school fees. Sorry to be so practical, but I think you need to be.

The details of support for mortgage interest for those in receipt of ESA is all here and quite straightforward.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/support-for-mortgage-interest

If you claim Jobseeker's Allowance the longest you can have your mortgage interest paid for is 2 years. If like you, you have a claim to ESA there is no limit.
You could in theory claim this until your mortgage term ends. By which time the children will have left home and you can sell your house on your terms , pay the interest loan back out of the equity and buy yourself a smaller place.

💐💐

I’m so so sorry you are in this position.. on this thread there’s lots of us who have been shat on by husbands/partners who we’ve devoted our lives to, had children with.. you never really know anyone is what I’ve learnt.. the person you thought your husband was had gone.. the pain is unbearable, like a grief ... and like grief you will go through stages... but you will cone through this and think wow how strong am I... I’m 3 years on now and I am a completely different person. I had to step out of my box, and actually in a weird way it’s been the making of me. Keep your head up, allow yourself to cry, be angry stay in bed... it won’t last ... sending you a big hug x

I believe there’s a legal section on this site. Perhaps ask some of your questions there, for an idea.

I’m still married, but I would be making the actual divorce difficult for him.

cantfindaname that’s so so funny you don’t have a whatever resting face.
OP

Don’t overthink now you are doing a lot out of shock .
He will be back you can’t prevent him it’s his house as well.
I’m so happy you have found out what ever you think it’s for the best.for now you are in shock
Try to keep the children calm
You will not be on the streets

See another solicitor op. I saw 3 and had much better advice from the 3rd than the first two. If you can, pay for a one hour appointment rather than the free half hour.

He’s got a shit hot lawyer I think, so I need to find money to pay for one myself. I’ve got a couple of recommendations so will ring them Monday. His solicitor said I can’t dictate! His solicitor appears to be giving him relationship advice, contact the girls and see them alone and then slowly introduce them to the OW!! At no stage have I dictated, my children don’t want to see him and at their ages they don’t have to. If he wants to see them he can message them. I’ve done the whole ‘your dad loves you’ crap but the mystery messages I received detail stuff he’s done with her and her daughter, places they’re been together and presents he’s bought them, and so I’m not going to actively encourage it either. My girls obviously feel they have been replaced.
The time he’s spent with her could have been spent with his own children. Whenever they complained about him working late he always told them he was doing it for us and he didn’t want to be away, he had no choice. They didn’t mind because they thought it was for them, but obviously he’s been leading this double life.
Oh, and bless him ‘his heads all over the place’. Poor thing!

@areyoubeingserviced
You don’t “allow” someone a divorce. You can’t stop someone getting a divorce if they want to!

Haha yes, that language 'allowing' a divorce always sounds like it comes from some historical drama. My XH said he wouldn't agree to us separating - I was puzzled about exactly how he was going to stop it. Said it all about why I was leaving him really.

Sounds like you got some bad advice from the solicitor - male I presume? He sounds like a woman hater.

Please contact Rights of Women who will give you concrete legal advice and also carry a list of good solicitors in your area.

You are a disabled woman with dependents who has been deserted. The law with back you up. Take no notice of that awful solicitor. Get your free first half hour from a whole bank of firms.

It seems the more heinous the crime (see above re desertion) the more appalling their subsequent behaviour in order to twist the truth to justify their revolting actions.

His solicitor said I can't dictate - more likely H's own interpretation of what was said.

Re the mystery messages OW is obviously very insecure and rattled, he was still sharing a bed with you, didn't leave when her divorce came through (although you thought this was because of dc exams) you threw him out!

Yes to you getting SHL. .

And don't get into thinking he has a 'SHL' it'll only make you feel powerless and ganged up on by the heavies. The law is the law at the end of the day, regardless of lawyers' posturing.

How do you know all this BTW, about the solicitors advice? For your mental health stop contacting him.

And report to the police on 101 the anonymous messages. Apart from anything you need evidence to build a legal case.

Your husband is as guilty as hell. Hence his appalling behaviour. MrsC is a good poster on this (bitter experience). Xxx

@springydaff. It’s just what he told me on the phone. He rang me yesterday when he left the solicitors office.
He said his head is a mess and he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t/can’t have him back, so that’s his decision made for him. Hurts like hell though. I feel that by making the decision he will definitely go to her, and I’ve helped them get together. I hope she likes her “prize”
It’s just his behaviour is so out of character, I know I read it on here a lot, but I’m just blindsided by what he’s done.

Betrayal is a terrible shock. It scars us.

Please stop talking to him. I know it's hard to screech all your love and intimacy to a halt - but having him bleeting all over you is so bad for your mental health and healing.

Look at going no contact - Google it to get the techniques and support. Also Google grey rock xx

You must have some claim on the pension ...push to find out.
He wouldn't pull the school fees out of thin air...where is the money held.
Does he have a nice car?
Why is there no equity in the house....were you renting before you bought?