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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 01/07/2019 23:23

£30 is a bloody joke.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/07/2019 23:27

I can't believe he would just leave you and the children without money.

justilou1 · 01/07/2019 23:44

Evil man!!!

inlectorecumbit · 01/07/2019 23:58

I think l would be getting in contact with CSA right away. Sounds likehe is going to screw you all over big time

Startoftheyear2019 · 02/07/2019 00:28

You're doing great. There's lots of us on MN who have walked this path. Stay angry. He's not your friend any more and you owe him nothing. Get legal advice and get a lawyer's letter off to him ASAP. He cannot leave you penniless!
You can heal your soul another time, for now focus on survival - eating and sleeping. Go to the doctor. Take all offers of help from friends and family. You can do this!

justilou1 · 02/07/2019 00:50

Screenshot bank balance too please. You will be needing this as evidence. Also evidence of spending on ghoulfriend and co.

justilou1 · 02/07/2019 00:57

And the bit that shows previous balance and who and when/where money went, etc...

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 02/07/2019 01:48

Another one saying make this bastard pay- hit him where it clearly hurts, in the wallet.

Screenshots, receipts, legal papers..... start putting this stuff together in a dossier like it’s your job.

Dispicible man.

thegirlracer · 02/07/2019 07:57

Start,

“You can heal your soul another time, for now focus on survival - eating and sleeping”

Excellent advice! I like it. Survival is key and it will numb down your emotions.

Original poster
Idontwanttoregister · 02/07/2019 08:19

He left £20 on the doorstep. He must have crept up because the dogs didn’t bark. He couldn’t stretch to £30 as it’s all he’s got. Plus he says he knows what’s in the cupboards so we have enough food.
He won’t empty the garage of his things, nor will he come and box them up to make a clearing for me. It’s his house, and he’s entitled to have his things lying around if he so wishes. The wording he used is not his, so I can only guess she’s directing him on what to say, having just been divorced herself
I want to message him and ask him to come back. I know I don’t want h8m to but the pain this morning was unbearable.
The doctor prescribed me diazepam which I took last night but it made me too groggy to feel safe driving to school. She couldn’t face going in anyway but I feel I should have been able to step up and take her. I mentioned to the doctor that he had said I was neglectful when the girls were babies because I had PND and that I felt he may use it against me. The gp rolled his eyes and said he would be willing to write a letter to a court if necessary detailing what PND is and that it didn’t affect my ability to be a parent.
It’s hit me like a Ton of bricks this morning

OP posts:
rosewater20 · 02/07/2019 08:27

I’m so sorry, OP. I echo what everyone else is saying about arming yourself with knowledge so that he can’t intimidate you. I would also get screen shots of all of your bank records so you can prove what he removed the money. Are you able to sell anything in the house for fast money? Maybe TVs or unused sporting equipment?

Mumof3babygirls · 02/07/2019 08:27

Oh lovely. It will take time you need to give yrself time. The same happened to me. Was together 20 years 3 children. It got and still is very messy. My dr told me its a grieving process. The body acts the same was as to a death. Fight with everything you have, I didn’t and bitterly regret that. Sending you love x

Norabloom · 02/07/2019 08:35

@idontwanttoregister just wanted to give you some support. It’s a pain like no other isn’t it? And it’s so tempting to just ask them to come back to get the pain to stop.
But the truth is that doesn’t stop the pain. It just replaces it with another one and you are left dealing face to face (if he comes back) with a weak lying man who has just done the worst he could to you.
I feel so sorry for you but I can say 2 months in that it does get slowly better. Although bad days still crop up. How pathetic to creep around and give you 20 pounds. What a horrible person.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/07/2019 08:46

Well what has he done with the money he stole out of the account if he only has 20 pounds to spare? Are the bills in both your names? And the account is both your names, isn't it? I can't believe how horrible he is.

mummmy2017 · 02/07/2019 08:50

CSA today.

Get that sorted.
If you have a joint account ask bank to put a stop on it .
Two children at private school, so high earner. You do know half his pension is yours now.

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/07/2019 09:11

Not sure if it has already been suggested but if you are LT sick do you receive PIP ? If not , claim it today . If you have no access to money , go to CAB and see if you can claim Universal Credit. Also contact Bank about freezing accounts so that he can’t empty them ( my exh did that ) .
Horrible situation. Take care 💐

litterbird · 02/07/2019 09:17

I am sad to say I am not shocked at his behaviour as I have been privy to this appalling attitude myself from my ex. Although it won't help but he is going through massive turmoil and men cannot process this as women do. They turn to anger, which is how he is acting out now. You must protect your health at all costs and survive this right now. You will possibly want to beg him back and he may even do the same (mine did after 18 months away and after unbelievable hateful comments to me and actions at the beginning)..as the other poster so wonderfully put it, you will stop the pain but it will only be temporary as you will never return to your marriage as you know it. Pain will be replaced by a silent suffering for years and years if you return right now. Lets just focus on getting though each day at a time, if not, just one hour at a time. Breathe and focus.

ThatCurlyGirl · 02/07/2019 09:20

£20 on the doorstep, what a grade A cunt. One of the worst things I've read on here, they all seem to turn nasty as soon as they leave. How can he be so cold ugh. OP I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Do lean on mumsnet for help with the logistics of moving forwards - lots of people on here are so supportive and have gotten me through some really rough times.

Thinking of you Thanks

cjloveske · 02/07/2019 09:29

Given the length of the marriage and your situation, a good solicitor will advise you. Forget about the fact he 'loves her'. That's not relevant to you now. Obviously, you have been betrayed and that will hurt. Don't trust anything he says now and get tough. Legal advise is a must. In the future you will meet someone else and be happy, so for now stay strong and get what you can out of the situation. Good luck. x

Redshoeblueshoe · 02/07/2019 09:33

What ? I'm fairly skint but I'm visiting a teenager who is in hospital today. I'll be giving them that much just so they can get some snacks.

notapizzaeater · 02/07/2019 09:37

I'd start the CMS claim straight away, regardless of everything else he needs to pay for your DDs

Paddy1234 · 02/07/2019 09:49

Good luck for the future OP
The women of mumsnet are absolutely awesome and will guide you through ❤️💐

YouJustDoYou · 02/07/2019 13:56

I'm glad your doctor was able to reassure you at least

GinUnicorn · 02/07/2019 14:32

What a terrible man. I know you shouldn’t have to but can you sell anything in the house to quickly get a bit of money? Or even better something of his.

Definitely see what benefits you are entitled to ASAP. You might get more help without him living there.

Good luck with the solicitors. You are being so strong - just keep going. Flowers

justilou1 · 02/07/2019 15:32

Has he left stuff of his you cane bay? Golf clubs? Car? Left testicle?

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