Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

@Winterlife. He feels it’s all moving too quickly 😂, and I’m being rash putting it up for sale. Now, I could stay here and get him to pay the mortgage but he would be broke paying that and somewhere for himself to live (his dad won’t want him forever) but I/the girls want to move on. To be able to have our own house, and make our own memories. If it’s too quick for him, then that’s tough shit.
I think he’s regretful, remorseful, but that doesn’t, to me, change what he’s done

He may be regretful and remorseful but he's not really repentant. He's only thinking about what he has lost and not what he has done. So it can't ever be sorted. He needs to accept he had fatally messed up and bugger off.

No, he’s not repentant, I drove him to it.

I hope you and your girls manage to get your own house soon and make it your own.

I hope you and the girls find a house soon he isn’t remorseful at all by blaming you. You didn’t drive him to have an affair or behave like a total arse since he got caught out

It's incredible that even after having time to think about what he did, the only person he seems to think is 'wronged' in all this is himself.

The mind boggles. He's just completely out of touch with reality.

Even if he can somehow justify the affair to himself, how is he justifying the way he has behaved since? It's madness.

@LaBelle. He’s ‘poorly’, his head is a mess, he doesn’t feel very well. That’s how he’s justifying everything. That, and blaming me. He even blamed our eldest when I said he took the OW to places we could have gone, by saying she was always out. Of course she is, she’s 16. He genuinely thinks he’s been driven to an affair, because of me. He will take no responsibility at all. The most I’ve ever gotten is that he’s sorry and wished he could turn the clock back, but he won’t discuss the affair as “it’s in the past”. I’m not even that interested now to be honest, I don’t think of the OW at all now. I don’t have much to do with him, I try to be civil but that’s it

He's pathetic

How are you managing day to day now?

@LaBelleSauvage. We’re doing ok, thanks. We’ve got ourselves into a routine, although that will change when school go back. They need to get back to school for a distraction, And we need to find our new normal. The house is much tidier without him!

Any interest in the house?

@Weenurse. Had 1 viewing but they didn’t like it. They wanted something more finished ie the extension built, whereas the details clearly state we have planning permission and the price would obviously increase accordingly 😤

Good luck 💐

I need a kick up the arse please
He asked for relationship counselling so I found one and told him the appointment time. I reminded him again, and said the counsellor would need to know what he wanted to gain from the sessions. He said he didn’t know, he just needed help. He had previously said he wanted couples therapy to explore what, if anything, could be saved from the marriage. Now he’s saying he just needs someone to talk to, and he never said that. I asked him what the f he needed me for if he just wanted to speak to someone, he needs to sort that himself, that’s not what a couples counsellor would do.
So, basically, he’s messing with my head again. Or, I’m allowing him to mess with my head. I don’t know if he does it deliberately or whether he is truly messed up. I’ve been doing really well, now I feel 10 steps back. Cried all night, crying again today
In real life everyone has moved on, so I need a good talking to and a kick up the arse!

Tell him your marriage is over (because he had a year long affair, what did he think would happen?) he is welcome to get some counselling, but please not to include you as their is no relationship to salvage. He is a weak, selfish dickhead.

Hi OP. I only just RTFT and I am so proud of the way you’ve kicked things into motion. If he wants to see a therapist, that’s his responsibility. If he wants to go to couples therapy, he should plan it and invite you. You can decide whether to go or not when that happens, which it won’t. He needs to stop putting responsibility on you for his own wishes. He lost the right to do that as ‘partners’ when he ruined your marriage. You have responsibility to yourself, your daughters and your dogs. That’s all. Everyone else is expendable.

Sell the house, ask your daughters to view houses with you so that it’s your family home, make sure you keep a record of all communication (email only). Do something for you today, have a bath with an exorbitantly priced bath bomb and get yourself on Rightmove and get looking. Create things you can look forward to, that excite you about the future.

Hmm, I suspect he doesn’t know what he wants. He compartmentalized his life. He had you for a family life, stability, familiarity, and probably love. He had the OW for “excitement”. Now, he sees that everything he built and expected to be there for him is gone. He’s not in control.

I don’t think it was a mistake to book an appointment and don’t kick yourself. He abused your caring nature. Just view it as a learning experience. It shows you that everything to do with him should be in writing. Ensure you receive every cent you are entitled to in your property settlement.

In time you may be able to be friendly, but now is not that time for your mental health.

If he needs some one to talk to as his heads a mess he needs individual counselling not marriage counselling. When he has sorted out his head admits his mistakes shows full responsibility and is repent and genuinely wants to make the marriage work marriage counselling maybe an option if that’s what you want personally I would tell him to do one it’s to little to late

You are bound to have down days you have been and are incredibly strong you can get through this no matter what you decide keep taking it a day at a time and be kind to yourself

I knew I could rely on a kick!
I know what I should be doing, he just blindsides me from time to time. I see glimpses of the old him, and I allow myself to get sucked in, then he changes his mind/denies what he’s said/becomes angry.
How it happened yesterday was he had to take me to an appointment (for my health, there was no one else to take me), was really lovely and he asked me to help him choose new glasses, normal day and then it’s like he panics and turns on a sixpence.
He’s stressed or whatever, but doesn’t give a shit about how stressed we are, his own children come second

Op, how did your daughter get on with GCSEs? Are they going to the private school still?

@Techway. They still go to private, although I had to help with the fees this term?! I’ve taken on everything except the mortgage, which has made me realise how crap he was/is with money. I don’t have a lot, but I am managing.
She did well, all things considering. The house wasn’t a happy home during mocks, revision and the actual exams, but she did really well. I was so proud of her. She was disappointed but she’s her own worst critic

My Life, I saw on another post that you went to counseling. How did that go?

(Hope you're still okay!)

He talked more than he has done in the last few weeks, but it was all about him, how he feels, how he doesn’t know what to think etc. The counsellor did well to keep him on track to be honest.
He had said a few weeks ago he wanted to go to counselling to see if there was anything left between us, but last night that had changed to he wanted to sort finances out? Which everyone knows that’s not why you see a counsellor! He changes like the wind. I’m not going to say he lied in the session, but he certainly mis remembers conversations. His head is so fucked up he doesn’t know which way is up.
Even the counsellor said he looks like someone who has had a breakdown, and suggested he seek medical advice (he already has, but I think he minimised his symptoms)
I don’t think I will be going again with him. I’ve got my own counsellor, and thank god im seeing them today because I’m a mess after last night.
He accused me, yet again of turning the girls against him and keeping them from him, until I reminded him I’d invited him out to celebrate results, and had him to the house for tea. So, I suggested he asks them to stay every other weekend and one night in the week, but that I couldn’t force them, but he needed to make the effort and stop blaming me. Of course, I know he won’t, because a) he knows what their answer would be and b) he would have to miss/change work hours.

I don’t think sitting down with him sounds very healthy, and I certainly wouldn’t be discussing any key financial details while in a vulnerable position. You’ll have to fight to get as much as possible for your daughters and yourself, so I would decline any further invitations. I hope your therapy appointment is constructive today

I’m not going again. I’ve got my own, he needs to find someone to help him, but I’m not facilitating it. It didn’t help me, whether it helped him I guess I’ll never know. I do know that I need to try and move on now, I just don’t know how to. I feel broken